Daniel and the Guilty Party
Concluding Jenifer Bennett's "William" parody
Daniel's
mother returned to her visitor with the tea-tray and the settled down
cosily to discuss various grown-up matters. Daniel was not interested
in the church roof fund, nor in the WI talk on Mrs Harvey's holiday in
the Alps, nor in how dear Dr Hathaway was settling into his new home in
Islington. His attention was arrested, however, by Miss Fisher saying
something about a party.
Mrs Hebden-Lloyd swiftly muttered "pad-oven", and the ladies
began to speak animatedly about the Flower and Produce Show instead. Daniel
knew from experience that mention of "pad-oven" would herald
a speedy change in adult conversation from an interesting subject to one
of monumental dullness. He retraced in his mind what the Vicar had said.
Something about Mrs Hathaway's baby, and did Jennifer know yet that Brian
was the guilty party. He puzzled over this, but was unable to make any
sense of it. Daniel's mother would, of course, refuse to explain, but
if a party was involved, he wanted to know about it.
Daniel sighed ostentatiously several times in the hope that this would
encourage Miss Fisher to make her departure, a strategy which in conjunction
with a generous amount of his most ferocious scowls, could usually be
relied upon to have the desired effect. At length, feeling more and more
discomfited by the child's strange behaviour she rose to her feet, and
accompanied by much kissing and simpering, the Vicar took her leave.
"C'n I go to the shop for some sweets?"
"No dear, not now."
He went to look disconsolately out of the window, and saw a figure approaching
up the drive with the familiar slouch and swagger of his favourite uncle.
Daniel's spirits lifted: Uncle Kenton was always good company. It turned
out that he had called on his sister in order to discuss plans for a wedding
anniversary party to be held in honour of Daniel's Aunt Elizabeth and
Uncle Nigel. Daniel, it was soon made clear was not invited; moreover
he would have to spend the night with his cousins in the care of his grandparents,
a prospect he could not be said to view with much delight.
Mrs Hebden-Lloyd then recollected that she had forgotten to pay her newspaper
bill at the village shop, and asked her brother if he wouldn't mind staying
with Daniel whilst she attended to this matter.
"No worries, Sis. Go ahead! I'll hold the fort"
When she had left, Uncle Kenton turned to Daniel: "So, Dan, did
you enjoy the party? Bit of a cracker wasn't it?" Daniel avowed fervently
that it was. "It was the best party I've ever been to. 'S 'tr 'ordinary
to me why people don't always have water-blasters at parties. Stands to
reason it's more fun chasin' round an' soakin' people than watchin' borin'
magic tricks that aren't real an' playin' babies ' games!" I bet
that party you're havin' for Aunt Elizabeth would be jolly good fun with
water-blasters!"
Uncle Kenton was obviously struck with this idea, and appeared to give
it serious consideration.
"Gosh, thanks Dan! I hadn't thought of that. That's a belter! Ha!
I'd like to see the look on Lizzie's face!"
Daniel and Uncle Kenton dwelt for a moment in rapt silence at the splendid
perfection of this image. Then Uncle Kenton asked, "Was that the
Vicar I saw leaving earlier? I bet she ' s a bundle of laughs. Having
a good old gossip with Shula was she?"
Daniel was thus reminded of the phrase that had puzzled him.
"Uncle Kenton, what's a guilty party?"
"Guilty party? Someone who's committed a crime. Me usually! Why d'you
want to know?"
"It's somethin' the Vicar said. About Mrs Hathaway's baby"
"Strewth Dan! What did she say?"
Daniel hesitated for a second or two: Uncle Kenton's sudden keen interest
had alerted him to the possibility of striking a deal.
"If I tell you," he said carefully, "what will you give
me?"
"Anything you like! Blimey, talk about out of the mouths of babes!"
Daniel set out his terms.
The following afternoon, Uncle Kenton arrived at The Stables bearing
a large carrier-bag. He went straight round to the garden, where he found
Daniel, and the bargain was completed to the utmost satisfaction of both
parties. Daniel decided it would be better to keep the mega-delux water-blaster
a secret for the time-being: he wanted an opportunity to use it to its
full effect , after all.
