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Hymns Camping and Modern
By various
 Alan and Usha's camping adventure really inspired the writers of the Fantasy Archers topic of . Here's a selection (some use the abbreviation TVOA - The Vicar of Ambridge).
He who would true love see
Or hearts beat quicker
Watch Usha Franks as she
Follows the vicar
She knows it makes no sense
She thinks "Oh excrement!"
But she'll sleep out in tent
To be a camper
She'll see life in the raw
That nature all is
Scarlet in tooth and claw
Plus creepy-crawlies
When coleoptera
Are sweeping over her
Such things must she endure
To be a camper
No reason, rhyme or truth
Can now dissuade her
Her doubts she told to Ruth
Who then betrayed her
We all heard what she said
"Treasure the man you wed
Just buy a new airbed
To be a camper"
***
All things bright and beautiful
All creatures great and small
All things wise and wonderful
They wake us, one and all.
The starling on the ridge-pole
The cows in the next field
the cock'rel in the farm yard
Their voices all will yield
All things bright and beautiful
All creatures great and small
All things slimy under us
How Usha loves them all
***
Camp, camp wherever you may be,
I am the Lord of the tent said he
And I'll lead you on
Wherever it may be
But I think we'll settle in this field near the sea.
We'll camp in the morning when the rain comes down
And I'm really wishing that I never left the town
We'll camp in the evening when the wild winds blow,
You promised me that Devon never ever got deep snow!
Chorus
When I trudge to the shower there's no place to hang my towel
It may be only Tuesday but my foot rot's getting foul
When we made our wedding promise was it spoken in the vows
That we'd celebrate the mem'ry with a herd of blumming cows?
Chorus
But there on the horizon is a most heart warming sight,
'Tis a Snell astride a camper like a mediaeval knight,
Bringing succour to the heathen in the form of heat and light
And the promise of a lavvy in the middle of the night.
Chorus
***
Summer rains are falling over tent and sea;
Sound of hailstones bouncing, bountiful and free;
Everything seems muddy, all is turning brown:
Al and Usha's hols may soon be in a town.
***
In the bleak mid-summer
Usha Franks made moan
Earth stood soft as butter
A hole for a throne
Rain had fallen, rain on rain
Rain on rain
In the bleak mid-summer
Oh what woe
***
And did those Franks in Summer time
Camp upon Devon's pastures green
And was the holy lamb of God
In shorts and knotted hanky seen
And did the camping van divine
Shine forth upon our rain soaked field
And was TVOA tempted there
And to those soft luxuries yield
Bring me ghee of burning gold
Bring me my saffron of desire
Bring me my ground spices untold
Bring me my primus stove of fire
I will not cease from cul'nry fight
Nor shall my pot sleep in my hand
'Til we have built veggie pilau
In Devon's wet and muddy land
'Til we have built veggie pilau
In Devon's wet and muddy land
***
Guide me, Oh TVOA, dear,
Cringing through the mud and wet.
I have bought a see-through nightie
Which shows my... joy that we met.
Dread of Devon, dread of Devon,
I'm not sure I want to go! (Want to go!)
I'm not sure I want to go!
Open now your boy-scout rucksack
Which holds everything we need:
Primus, ground-sheets, lilos, SHOVEL...?!
That won't make my fears recede!
Strong misgivings, strong misgivings!
Holes filled with ordure? Oh God! (You're a god!)
Holes filled with ordure? Oh God!
Now I feel the urge for board and
Bed in a good hostelry;
Take me from the mud, the rainstorms,
Insects crawling over me:
Go to blazes! Go to blazes
All you slugs, and down with flies! (Down with flies!)
All you slugs and down with flies.
***
O Alan, I have promised
To love you to the end
But when you mention camping
I can no more pretend
I do not fancy insects
The primus stove as well
So why can't we just book in
To some five star hotel
***
Out in the fields we scatter
Al's ashes on the land
TVOA's been murdered
By Usha's vengeful hand
He made her sleep al fresco
He made her dig latrines
Until she snapped and battered
His brain to smithereens
***
There is a green hill far away
With many a rabbit hole
Where Alan Franks was crucified
Upon his tent's ridge-pole
We may not know, we cannot tell
What pains she had to bear
But Usha says it's for the best
She left him hanging there
Our thanks to Bear in the Bull, Doctor Darling, Nelson G, Mr Snowy, Rosie T, TheJennyDarling and Vicky S.
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