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Trial
by Jury
by Ken E
This
entertaining legal fantasy was contributed to The Archers message
board.
 Scene:
A courtroom. A judge, in ermine-robed splendour, is enthroned upon the
bench. The wretched figure of a prisoner is in the dock, and the full
court, wigged and gowned, waits attendance.
Judge (with full booming reverb): Brian Stanley Aldridge, you are an habitual
criminal...
Clerk (interrupts):
Judge: What? Really? Very well... (reverb back on) Brian Casanova Aldridge,
you are an habitual criminal who accepts arrest as an occupational hazard,
and presumably accepts imprisonment in ... what is it now?
Usha: Your honour, shouldn't we have the trial first?
Judge: Who are you?
Usha: Usha Gupta in a wig.
Judge: Ah yes. Well, if you're dead set on a trial, let's get on with
it. I can't see it doing you a lot of good, he looks pretty guilty to
me. Prisoner at the bar, how do you plead?
Brian: Well, normally something like "Jenny, forgive me; I'll always
love you." That usually does the trick.
Usha (to Brian): He means, are you guilty or not guilty?
Brian: I'm guilty. Yes, guilty. Guilty, yes I'm guilty of love.
Jury (sotto voce): bop shwaddy wah bop bop shwaddy wah.
Judge: What was that?
Foreman: Nothing. Just a cough. Ahem.
Judge: Hmmm. Aldridge, the charge is GBH - Grieviously Battering Hedge.
That you did, on or about the 26th of September, repeated on the 28th,
with the use of a blunt instrument, to wit a large Mercedes, near to the
village of Little Nookie in-the-Offing, assault and batter a valuable
hedge. Well?
Brian: I don't remember.
Jury: ber ber, hoop dang ber-dang.
Judge: Stop that. Miss Gupta, can't you do something about them?
Usha: I thought they were with you.
(Fade
out. Fade in again)
Usha:
... You were one of the paramedics who attended the accident?
Witness: Yes.
Usha: Incidentally, why do you always have a pair of medics? Why not just
one. Or three?
Witness: Sorry?
Usha: Nothing. Just my little joke. When you reached him, how did my client
behave?
Witness: He was rambling, delerious, saying something like "Is he
all right? Is Reiuhriauch all right?" I couldn't make out the name,
so I asked him to spell it for me. He then lost consciousness.
(Fade
out. Fade in again)
Judge:
Prisoner at the bar, I have heard the eloquent pleas from your counsel,
Miss Gupta - that you were suffering from a range of mental and physical
problems, including a complete inability to keep your hands to yourself.
However, I have no choice but to send you down...
Jury: down down, deeper 'n' down.
Judge (exasperated): Who are you lot anyway?
Foreman: We're Brian's posse. We're all the people he's seduced in the
past year.
Judge: But you're a bloke.
Foreman: It was very dark.
Judge: Really. So where's the real jury?
Foreman: They're all at line-dancing.
Judge: Then why did you find him guilty?
Foreman: Because he loved us and left us, that's why; he's a bounder and
a cad.
Judge: Seems pretty sound reasoning. But any more interruptions and I'll
double his sentence, understand?
Usha: Are you allowed to do that?
Judge: Do you see this wig? Do you see this big fur gown? Do they tell
you something?
Usha: You're a Shirley Bassey wannabe?
Judge: No, I'm a Judge, that's what. So button it. Aldridge, do you have
anything to say before I pass sentence?
Brian: Yes. Yes, I do. This trial isn't about dangerous driving; this
is a case about liberty, about freedom, about, yes, I'm not ashamed to
say it, about love. I am guilty, yes, but guilty only of loving and of
showing my love. To practically every woman I meet. But, if that is the
charge, who here would not be convicted?
Usha: I wouldn't.
Judge: Nor me; I'm as loveless as an elk.
Brian: Then I can say no more. Just remember, though, that when you pass
sentence today, you will be judging not just one man, but all of us.
Judge: Yes. Specifically, though, I'm judging you. Two years hard labour.
Take him away.
Brian: No!! Jenny, I love you!!
Usha: She can't hear you. She's off shopping.
(Brian
is dragged off, a broken man. Good. Fade out)
Brian
(awakening): Oh, oh god! Where am I? Oh, what an awful dream. Jenny, darling,
where are you? (surprised) David, Clive, what are you doing here?
Mac "The Slasher" McGuire: Shut it, new boy. And pass the bucket.
(Closing
theme)
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