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Listeners' Fantasies |
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Summer fantasies
 We regularly feature listeners' creative contributions from the Fantasy Archers topic of The Archers message board, usually selecting one story per week. The quality recently has been so high that we thought we'd give you a selection for summer reading.
Literary parodies are a popular form, and here's the latest:
Just So ...
by Lady Macbeth
Once, in the far-off times oh, best-beloved, when the world was so new-and-all, there lived an vet in the middle of a howling village and he was a howler himself.
On the first day the Samuel came to him and said: "Vet, oh vet, please remove yourself from my precious cattle, for you are a vet of little learning and may only attend Herefords and sheep and other such lowly creatures and you shall be welcome to come and minister unto them."
But the vet just said "Humph," so the Samuel went away and told the pub.
On the second day the Daniel came to him and said: "Alistair," (for “‘twas he) "oh Alistair, please remove the Scruff dog from my home, for he frightens the horses and does as he likes."
But the vet just said "Humph," so the Daniel went away and told the Saint.
And on the third day the Saint came and said, "vet, oh vet, you are a vet of great standing and deserve better treatment from the Samuels and the Daniels and I shall pour you claret on a Tuesday and prove my love for you."
But the vet just said "Humph," so the Saint went away and told her mum.
Now, the mum pondered this long and hard and asked the Saint many searching questions, but could suggest no solutions, but kept the casserole close to her in case of dire need.
Meanwhile the Scruff had decided to consult the Gin of all the Villages and having settled himself comfortably in the kitchen told the Gin of all the Villages what was happening and the Gin said: "Sniff! Atishoo! Oh, sorry, it's my hay fever. Now, do you really mean that the vet is sitting in the middle of the howling village and says "Humph" and will not drink claret on a Tuesady?"
"Woof," asserted Scruff.
"Dear, dear" said the Gin, "and does he refuse to treat Herefords and sheep and does he divest himself of dogs at the slightest excuse?"
"Whine," cried Scruff, who was missing the Daniel and horse chasing.
"Disgraceful," said the Gin "leave it to me!" and off she marched to The Stables and Veterinary Practise [sic].
"Vet!" said the Gin, without preamble "is it true that you will not drink claret on a Tuesday, or treat Herefords and sheep and divest yourself of dogs without good reason?"
But the vet just said "Humph" and returned to his online poker game.
"Humph me no humphs," warned the Gin, "or I shall be forced to take action." But the vet just said "Humph!" and poured himself a very nice single malt.
So, the Gin sat and sniffed and sneezed for a while - then tutted a bit and made a decision. "Vet," said the Gin, "from henceforth you shall carry your very own humph with you at all times."
And the vet was confronted with the vision of the future and said, mournfully "oh, humph," and crept off to curl up in Scruff's basket. But the Saint had sent it to the tip.
"Oh, humph," cried the vet.
Popular culture is also the basis for parody:
Little Ambridge
by Liz Simpson
Betty looked up from her knitting at the ding of the shop door opening. She saw a pair of tackety boots topped by Celtic football socks, a pair of hairy knees peeking out from the hem of a well-worn and faded kilt, the whole ensemble topped by a ragged saltire t-shirt.
"Morning, Jazzer!" she said, cheerfully. "Do you mind waiting a minute while I finish this row? This Fair Isle yoke is so complicated - I just daren't put it down."
Jazzer frowned, but said, "naw, that's okay wi’ me, Betty - Ah've only come in tae pick up ma Glesca’ Herald."
Betty gestured with her elbow, still wrestling with the knitting needles and several balls of wool: "I think there might be a couple of copies left - have a look over there between the piles of the P&J and The People's Friend. There's been a run on them first thing this morning because the Glebelands Pipe Band is having a practice session in the Village Hall, getting ready for the Ambridge Highland Games next month."
Jazzer scowled, but was distracted by the ding of the shop door being opened by Bert Fry, and the unmistakeable - if tinkly - sound of Scotland The Brave.
"Morning, Betty; morning, Jazzer. Sorry - excuse me while I answer me new mobile -"
Jazzer, now visibly annoyed, strode purposefully to the door, and as he opened it (ding) and left, turned to look at Betty and Bert and said defiantly, "but I'm the only Jock in the village!!"
Bert and Betty exchanged glances. "You have to admire the lad," said Bert.
"Yes, Bert - you do," agreed Betty, "the kilt is the perfect garment for emphasising a huffy flounce! Now, can I get you some Edinburgh Rock?"
Not all the contributions are parodies, however, such as this touching tale:
Jack's Amazing Walk
by Vicky S
This time, as he reached the gate, Jack remembered to glance down at his feet and check his shoes. His comfortable brown brogues, lovingly polished to a brilliant shine by Higgs, were firmly in place. Laces neatly tied in symmetrical knots. No slippers.
"Haven't slipped up today." he said to himself, then laughed out loud at his own joke, "Did you hear what I said Peggy? Haven't slipped up today, because I've got my shoes on, I haven't left my slippers on this time, look, d'you get it? Slippers, slip up? It's a whatsit, a pun, slippers, slip up."
He glanced round , expecting to see the familiar almost smiling face she often made when he told her his little jokes. But Peggy wasn't there. Of course not. She was at ... well she wasn't there. And nor was Higgs. But after what the doctor had said the day before Jack felt full of life, his confidence was back, he was ready to face the world again. So this was to be his outing, an adventure on his own. He set his panama hat firmly in place and closed the gate behind him.
Jack walked down the lane, keeping carefully to the verge, swishing his stick at the tall nettles and the delicate heads of elderflowers hanging from the hedgerows. Butterflies and bees shimmered above the grasses, and he heard the occasional scratching hiss of grasshoppers. And somewhere to his left, but far enough away not to be intrusive was the stuttering of farm machinery. The Bentley, he mused, was a wonderful machine, comfortable and efficient, and of course air-conditioned comfort was a real blessing, but really there was nothing to beat the sights and sounds of an English country lane at the height of summer.
A van drew up beside him.
"Mornin’ Mr Woolley? Out for a walk?"
"Oh, hello, morning, yes, hello, er ... Eddie. Yes I am. Thank you, just out for a walk. Thought I'd pop along to have a look at that maze thing young Adam has set up, it's opening today you know."
"That's a heck of a walk, Mr Woolley, all that way in this heat. Tell you what, I can go round that way. If you'd like a lift, I can soon shift this sack of pellets off of the front seat."
"Is it? Yes I suppose it is. It does seem a bit further than I remembered, to tell the truth. And this sun's a bit warmer than I thought. That's very kind of you, Eddie, we'd like a lift, wouldn't we Capt ... Thank you Eddie. I'd like that very much."
***
Adam opened the till and checked the float for the fourth time. He ran his eyes across the maps and leaflets displayed on the counter. He re-read the price list for the hundredth time. He looked anxiously towards the tower of boxes containing bottled water (such a good idea of Ian's!). Katchya and Maya, the two students, were laughing together as they loaded up the fridges.
Had he made a good choice there, would they be able to cope with the visitors? Their English was excellent, but he knew from working at the farmers' market how unpredictable the great British public could be. Supposing someone got nasty, demanded a refund, wanted to pay by credit card. If he wasn't around to deal with it would they be able to cope with a crisis, or a sudden rush of customers like an unexpected coach party.
He breathed deeply, trying to calm his heart rate.
He remembered Ian's advice from the evening before as they sat in the pub garden.
"You've put in the preparation, you've been over all the angles, you've thought it all through, that risk assessment is as detailed as anything I've ever seen. Relax. You're too tense. Stop worrying about having to prove yourself all time, it's a brilliant idea, it's all working out fine, even Brian's being positive about it for once. Chill out Adam. What could possibly go wrong?"
"Hello Adam."
Adam swung round. There stood Jack, looking slightly warm and dusty, but smiling cheerfully.
"Are you open yet? Am I too early?"
***
After over two-and-a-half hours of directing occasional cars into the car-parking field, Oros was beginning to feel bored. Even strawberry picking had to be more interesting than repeating time after time "Please to drive to the left side of the tent." as cars entered and "Thank you for coming, please come again" as he guided them out onto the main road.
Maybe tomorrow he would ask Adam to let him work inside the tent with the girls, or maybe even on the platform, directing the lost maze customers. Oros adjusted his shades, leaned against the Magi-Maze sign and took a swig of coke.
The sudden arrival of a large Bentley which stopped alarmingly close in front of him startled him out of his reverie.
"It is not permitted," he started to say, "please to park yourself to the left ..." but the elderly lady who sprang from the passenger seat ignored him completely and hurried past him calling loudly for Adam Macy.
The driver got out, walked around the car and closed the passenger door. The central locking clicked. The driver glanced at Oros without speaking and followed the woman into the tent. Since the gateway was completely blocked, Oros had no choice but to follow him.
"...told me he dropped him off here at about half-past-eight this morning, and there's been no sign of him since, I've called everyone I can think of but no luck, he can't have walked back home, it's much too far ... Adam, please tell me you've seen Jack, please."
"Well yes, he was here Gran, very early, before we'd opened. He said he wanted to have a look around, so I let him go through, but I don't remember seeing him come out. I assumed he'd just taken himself off when he saw that we were getting a bit busy. I'm sorry, that's all I know. I can ask the girls but I don't know that they will remember him."
"Well can you go and check, maybe he's fallen over, or tripped. Adam, I must insist that you go and search for him immediately."
"But it was over four hours ago, if he had had an accident in the maze someone would have seen him by now. I really don't think ..."
Peggy gave Adam the glare that had quelled professional drunks in her landlady days.
"I am well aware that you don't think, Adam. Your whole thoughtlessly embarrassing lifestyle tells me that. But I'm telling you now that I know my husband is somewhere in this maze ..."
"Peggy? Peggy? What are you doing here? I thought you and Higgs were going into Felpersham this morning?"
There stood Jack, a little dishevelled, his shirt collar unbuttoned and his panama awry.
"Jack!" Peggy brushed away tears of joy, relief and simultaneous anger. "What have you been doing? Have you any idea how worried I've been? Do you know what time it is? No one has seen you for nearly four hours, oh Jack I was so worried, I thought, well, you know, I thought ..."
Adam started a false hearty laugh, "well, well, just shows what fun the Magi-Maze is everyone, can make you forget time itself. Come along now ladies and gentlemen, if you have your tickets the entrance to the Magi-Maze is just through the far doorway, don't forget to take plenty of water with you, you may be gone some time, ha ha ... Gran, why don't you get Jack home, he looks done in, and let's face it, all's well that ends well."
Peggy gave Adam a look that would sour cream, but without another word led Jack to the car.
"....and when I got to the middle I was feeling a bit tired so I sat on the bench they've put there, that's a good idea don't you think? And anyway, I must have dozed off and had a little sleep. Then when I woke up I felt a bit, well, I have to admit it Peggy, I felt a bit confused, wasn't sure which way to go. Then such a funny thing happened Peggy, you will hardly believe it. I can't explain it but I had a feeling, a real feeling, that dear old Captain was with me, and that he would show me the way, all I had to do was follow him. I started walking and I knew where to turn each time, just as though he was leading me, and do you know what, I was out of that maze within about five minutes, and there you were, waiting with Higgs to take me home. I think he was there Peggy, I really truly do. You read about these things don't you. What do you think Peggy?"
***
Adam watched them drive off.
"Excuse me, that young lady in there says you're in charge."
Adam put on a smile as he turned.
"Yes that's right, I'm Adam Macy. Can I help you, is there a problem?"
"Yes." The speaker, large and heavily tattooed, pointed to the entrance sign. "It says there NO DOGS ADMITTED. So we had to leave ours in the car, like everyone else. And I don't like doing that on a hot day like today, even with the window open a bit."
"That's right," agreed Adam, "guide dogs only. It's our company policy, health and safety regulations."
"Then how come," said the man, "that old bloke you were just talking to was allowed to take his dog. He weren't blind. Nice dog too, you could tell they were devoted to each other. But it's not right to let some people take their dogs in just because you know them. If you've got a policy it should be for everyone."
Many song lyrics come in for Ambridge-related rewriting:
The Sound of Susan
by Gnome de Plume
Raindrops on carpets and dirt in my kitchen
Bright copper plumbing and my husband's whingeing
Brown paper envelopes covered in red
These are the things that get into me 'ead.
Cream coloured settees and wonky door handles
Doorbells and dribbles from scented room candles
Dirty old blokes come in spoiling my floor
Oi don't know if Oi can take any more.
Girls in tight dresses and pork sos'n'mashes
Sow cake that marks all my carpets gives rashes
Silver white wine marks that leave great big rings
These are a few off my long list of things
When the hog bites
When my Neil stinks
When I'm feeling saaaad
I simply remember all these stupid things
And then I get reeeeeeeeeea - lly maaaaaaaad.
And no Fantasy Archers selection would be complete without an instalment from our longest-running contribution, which sees Ambridge life through the eyes of Lynda's llamas:
Connie Llama & the Sausage Factoree
By Deb Z
"He here!" announced Wolfgang, bouncing into the llama shed, "Scruffee haf arrived!"
"Hmm," replied Constanza, showing (or so it seemed to Wolfgang) a disconcerting lack of interest.
"Si, Aleestair an’ Fad Boy Dan (weeth Americano accend) drop heem off juss now. Lock, stock an’ barrel!"
"I see."
"Yes, they breeng all hees leettle possecÃons. Eet quide sad when Aleestair lay them oud on table; hees lead, hees toys ..."
"Toys? Ad hees age?"
"Mind you, you should see hees face when Aleestair say, "I juss pud hees balls here!" Eet a real peecture!"
"So where ees he now?"
"Weell, I when I leaf, he een keetchen, tuckeeng eento heartee meal, like he nod seen food for days."
"I ‘spect Leenda show heem where kennel ees lader."
"I would not be to sure of thad! I theenk she gonna try turn heem eento house dog. Nex’ theeng we know, he be sleepeeng on bed of Leenda and Roberto!"
"Whad?" hissed Constanza, viciously, her eyes narrowing "Een bed weeth Don Roberto! Nefair, nefair weell I forged. Nefair weell I forgeeve Santa Shula. How could she do thees to me - heem! An aneemal ees for life!" Her eyes had by now become mere slits.
"Of course, the same cannod be said for human marriages ..." This thought appeared to cheer her up, marginally.
"Si," said Wolfgang, his eyes darkening.
"Naturellemente, thees does nod apply us. Primero, we catholic y segundo WE STEELL NOD MARRIED!"
"How ‘boud we open boddle of champagne I acquire to celebrade Scuffee's arrival?"
Wolfgang changed the subject abruptedly. "Eet rather good veentage - none of you common Shirez!" He popped the cork and set a glass before Constanza. "Then you tell me whad you workeeng on there." He nodded in the direction of Constanza's clipboard.
"Ees eet for Grundee's nex’ bood sale? Should I start keep eye out for Weelleengtons lefd oudside? I make a stard ad Carder's house."
"Pah," snorted Constanza, sipping her drink, "doan be so stupido! No, I haf wonderful idea!"
"You do?" Wolfgang poured himself a second glass, slightly taken aback at the ease with which the first had slipped down his throat.
"Si, eet verree seemple. I surprised I nod theenk of eet beefore. Of course, he nod go bankrupd beefore, howefer, eet clear to me Tommee need to retrench. He haf "cash flow problemo." Thus, we buy up all hees machineree and manufacture sausages!"
"Sausages," muttered Wolfgang, stifling a hiccup and pouring himself a third glass.
"We deesmeess Kneel, Jazzer, Morrees and Sussana. They nod needed. No mead eenvovled, I do all administratife work, you liase weeth supermercado an' I sure Scruffee lend paw when needed ..."
"I liase weeth Tamseen?" Wolfgang brightened visibly, if somewhat incoherently.
"Whoefer," Constanza waved her hoof airily, "no importante. Soon our vegeetarian sausages beecome World Wide brand!"
"Hmm," said Wolfgang, thinking deep thoughts, "juss one theeng - where you gonna find all veegeetables?"
"Weell, we haf garden, weeth you eggsoteec hemp et cetara - an’ eef thad fail, I certain we find manee vegeetables een veellage..."
New stories are appearing all the time. Read them in - or maybe you could write your own.
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