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Listeners' Fantasies |
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Ruth the telepath
by Sovietsong
 There is a long-running thread on the Fantasy Archers topic of in which listeners contribute Archers-related haikus. This inventive drama was inspired by one from "Lars Post":
David says nothing
Just expects his wife to be
Ruth the telepath.
Scene: Breakfast time at Brookfield
Pip'n'Josh'n'Ben are seated round the table. Ruth slaps a slice of lukewarm, pallid toast down in front of each child.
Pip: (about to speak)
Ruth: Well, if you think it's so bad, you do the toast tomorrow!
Josh: (about to speak)
Ruth: They're still crumpled up in your school bag, smelling to high heaven. If you want clean shorts you'll need to put them through the machine yourself.
Ben: (about to speak)
Ruth: Ask your father, he's the one that chopped it up with an axe.
Enter: David: he is about to speak
Ruth: No, I can't come and check a cow's backside, I've got to finish feeding this ungrateful lot.
Enter: Bert. He looks at the table. He is silent.
Ruth: Yes, I cooked the breakfast and if that's how you feel about my cooking then why don't you just go straight out of my kitchen?
David: is silent
Ruth: And I certainly haven't any time for THAT at THIS time of the morning, for goodness sake David, we're scarcely on speaking terms! [pause] Oh sorry, David, BERT, how DARE you think that about me. And NO Josh I am NOT going to tell you what Bert thought, and no Pip, that isn't what he thought AT ALL.
Enter: Usha: she is about to speak
Ruth: No, you patronising cow, I HAVEN'T made it up with David yet, I'll make it up in my OWN GOOD TIME, no Pip, not that we HAVE anything to make up. Oh, for goodness sake, stop CHATTERING all of you, it's TOO MUCH.
Ruth: flees the room in tears.
Everyone starts to open their mouths to speak
Ruth: from outside the room
Ruth: I can HEAR you, I can still HEAR you, you MEAN, HORRIBLE people, you are saying such NASTY, HORRIBLE things about me, I can't STAND it any longer.
Sound of pounding up stairs, window being flung open, body passes by the window and lands in the yard with a sickening thud.
[pause]
Bert: I weren't thinking that
Pip'n'Ben'nJosh: And neither were we!
David: But … it worked, didn't it!
General cheering, toast is scraped into bin, David dons an apron and starts cooking delicious fry-up, all is merriment around the table as the flash of a blue light indicates that the ambulance has arrived to take away the sad corpse of RUTH THE TELEPATH.
More
Archers fantasies
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