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Listeners' Fantasies |
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Wheestleeng een the weend
by DebZ
 Celebrating three years of "llamadramas" on the Fantasy Archers topic of , courtesy of the prolific and talented Deb Z:
"Weell reallee !" exclaimed Constanza, striding into the garden, "Thad Shula certainlee ees hard bee…". She stopped, suddenly interupted by a piercing whistle. "Whad ees thad?" she glowered.
"Ah, you hear eet then?" replied Wolfgang, as sheepishly as it is possible for a llama to be, "Thad my prototype."
"You steal idea from Eddee Grundee!" accused Constanza.
"No I deed nod!" Wolfgang was indignant, "Hees gnomes wheestle. My garden aneemals Wolfgang wheestle! There juss small problemo."
"Juss the one?"
"Si, I haf Scruffee, Meetch, Wald, Meg, Jed…eenfacd evereee doggee een veellage run to shed door askeeng eef eet time for walkees, dindins, et cetera, et cetera. Eet reallee moss tiresome!"
"Why you nod take batteree oud?" enquired Constanza.
"Eet nod haf batteree. Eet solar powered!"
"Nefair, nefair een all my born days deed I theenk I haf pray for meeserable cloudee summer!" bemoaned Constanza. "Hold on minuto - why we nod hide eet under blankeet?"
"You veree hard sometimes," opined Wolfgang, mournfully.
"Yo? Yo? Haf you heard Santa Shula latelee? Walking 'round weeth look on face as eef she just sucked sour lemon - her mouth more puckered up than Beell's ar…" Constanza collected herself before going on, "An' she talk like she been consteepaded for months!"
"How you like eet eef you come back one day, an' I eenform you I mortgage shed to pay off debts?" asked Wolfgang, reasonably.
"I…I…aneeway, shed belong to Leenda an' Don Roberto so eet nod bother me een leass! An' juss look ad Emma," said Constanza, changing tack dramatically. "Chuckeeng Ed oud like thad - sayeeng eet all for sake of Jorgé. I nefair come to anee harm growing up een fresh air!"
Wolfgang regarded her sceptically and scratched his ear thoughtfully.
"Thad nod whad you say when eet cold enuff freeze ball off brass…" he began.
"Bud does she know whad haf beecome of heem?" interrupted Constanza, "Does she care? Surelee thees weell break Claree's heard!"
"I deed tell heem thad eet weenter in Australia ad momento…"
"Oh males! Whad do you know of the angueesh of a mother? Does Eddee comprehend whad thees ees doeeng to Claree? I wash my hoofs of all of you!"
At this point Wolfgang decided that it was best to let Constanza get it all off her (heaving) chest without further interruption. He sat back and selected a beer from the cool-box which he had had the forethought to bring with him into the garden.
"Uh huh…hmm, hmm…you so todallee righd," he interjected at intervals, whilst Constanza continued her tirade against the people of Ambridge in general, and the male population (except Robert Snell) of the aforenamed village in particular.
"Gamblers anoneemous," mused Wolfgang, picking up on something that Constanza had said. "Nobody know who you are….My name ees Wolfgang, an' I am gambler," he intoned, "Now, I haf £2,000 een back pack - so who een?"
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