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Listeners' Fantasies |
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Constanza Calling ...
by DebZ
 More of Ambridge life from the perspective of Lynda's beloved llamas, posted to the Fantasy Archers topic of The Archers message board.
Constanza could not settle.
"I beecomeeng moss angshus," she informed Wolfgang.
"Mmm" said Wolgang, not looking up from his concentrated study of a long poem which he intended to recite at the audition.
"I beegeen wonder eef eet nod all my fauld. I mean eef onlee I nod embroider those banners, maybee thees nod happen. I am ad weets end to know whad to do. Bud one theeng ees clear to me, we muss acd!"
These last words finally caught Wolfgang's attention and he sat up, becoming seriously worried himself.
"Weell, he said carefully, "I nod quide sure whad you theenk we do…"
"I nod efer do thees beefore," announced Constanza, ignoring him, "But a llama muss do whad a llama muss do!" She picked up the telephone and began dialling.
"Hola! Ees thad Bee Bee See AccÃon Line?…Bueno, I haf problemo. No, thad nod true, eet bess amiga of me, who had problemo… Si, thad righd, a friend… You see, man she leeve weeth haf babee an' hees wife makeeng plans take eet oud of countree. Whad thad? No, eet nod babee of mi amiga, no, she an' her pardner nod god round to haffeeng young yed. Aneeway…No, thees man nod her pardner, she an' pardner leeve weeth heem, comprende?… I see, maybee eet help eef I geef them names."
Constanza bit her lip and looked over her shoulder to make sure nobody but Wolfgang was listening. Wolfgang stared back at her with a look of total incomprehension on his face.
"Hokey," Constanza recommenced, "Mi amiga name ees Meg, her pardner ees Meetch - they nod yed married - bud thad neither here nor there…"
Wolfgang nodded his agreement at this.
"Aneeway, they leeve weeth man callee Weel, now he married to Emma onlee they nod leeve together aneemore, though they haf sweet leettle babee…Pardono, whad thad you say?…Haf they thoughd 'boud talkeeng to veecar?"
Constanza paused to think about this.
"Bud I doan know (strange as eet seem to me) thad they wan' ged married…Oh, I see, you doan mean Meg an' Meetch, you mean Weel an' Emma talk to somebodee like veecar, who sympatica shoulder an' eggspereenced een counselleng - weell, to be frank weeth you, hi, hi, I juss make leettle joke there, onlee you nod understand eet, veecar's name ees Franks, weell ackshurlee eet Alano, hees familee name Franks - bud thees eereleevand, I muss say, up 'teel now he nod show slighteest beet of eenteress een situacÃon. Eenfact," Constanza looked stern and puffed out her chest, "I rather theenk he god other theengs on hees mind! How many flies you catch?"
This last remark was aimed at Wolfgang whose mouth hung open so wide, that it seemed as though his jaw might well drop off.
"I sorree, whad you sayeeng? Weell, obviouslee problemo ees mi amiga Meg ees moss concerned for Weel, because he her master…Si, you theenk correct, her pardner ees Meetch, bud as I was sayeeng, she very worried thad Weel do sometheenk stupido! No, I nod sure quide whad she theenk he do. Forged feed them possiblee? Mind you she deed confide to me thad Weel steal babee's passpord from Emma. She ask me eef I theenk she should chew eet up…Yes, thad whad I say, I say eet much bedder idea, pud eet een hole weeth all bones….Meetch's bones. No, Meetch nod dead.
Covering the mouthpiece Constanza remarked in an aside to Wolfgang "Thees person haf moss odd ideas". Wolfgang could only nod dumbly.
"Pardono, I meess whad you say…Whad I wan' you to do? Weell, eet obveeous, you AccÃon Line, no? I wan' you acd!" Constanza rolled her eyes speakingly at Wolfgang. "Uh hmm. Haf they thougd of consuldeeng lawyer? Weell, eet funnee you mencÃon thad, you remember veecar?…NO! Nod Frank, Alano - I theenk I eggslain thad! Onlee lawyer een veellage haf taken up weeth veecar, een facd I hear she spend nighd at veecareege. Personallee, I share opinion of Charles the firss or do I mean James? …Bud I wander from beaden track, whad I whan say ees, I doan theenk we ged anee joy there!"
"Madre mia," groaned Wolfgang softly.
"Shhh!" hissed Constanza, "I tryeeng leesten. European ConvencÃon on the abducÃon of cheeldrens and under-age persons? I see, an' whad preeciselee you eggspecd me do weeth eet, wafe eet een frond of Emma, cryeeng 'Stop! You makeeng eellegal accÃon'. You theenk thad change her mind perhaps? It quide obveeous you nod efer meed her!…I quide calm! I sorree, I know you wan' help, eet juss you nod!"
Wolfgang cringed and decided it was time to take matters into his own hooves. He wrested the telephone from Constanza,
"Hello," he said, "I do apologise for thad, I theenk she make meestake. I theenk she confuse you weeth - whad she called? Si, thad one - the lovelee blond one. Oh me too! …Hello, hello…I theenk we cud off…"
"Si, I do eet. Whad Santa Shula god do weeth thees?"
Wolfgang looked perplexed and shrugged his shoulders.
"Howefer, I beegeen haf idea! Where the map of Ambreedge? Now how 'boud we set up few strateegeec road blox, here an' here…?"
Looking out of the window, Wolfgang felt a topical insert coming on, "No need, it snoweeng bleezzard oud there - eef thees continue, whole coundee beecome eempasseeble!"
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