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Listeners' Fantasies |
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Eensuld an' eenjury
by DebZ
 It's a welcome return to the Fantasy Archers topic of for Lynda's llamas, who are as usual up-to-date with Ambridge events.
The door of the llama shed was flung open and in swept Wolfgang, apparently in high dudgeon.
"Nefair," he exclaimed, "Nefair, een whole of my live (up teel now) nefair, haf I been so eensulted!"
"Nefair say nefair," muttered Constanza, dipping a paint roller into a tray.
"I keell her! I keell him! " stormed Wolfgang, dramatically.
"Santa Shula?" enquired Constanza hopefully, fastening on the first potential victim of Wolfgang's vendetta.
"Ed Grundee!"
"An' then Santa Shula," prompted a small voice.
"Yo, who am descended from long line of pure blood, Peruvian Andean, llamas! Yo, whose ancestors fight 'gainst Conquistadores! Yo, whose relacÃons number among llamas habeeteeng een Machu Pichu! Yo…"
"Si, si," said Constanza, becoming ever so slightly bored by the recital, "Ged on weeth eet."
"He say," Wolfgang paused, apparently un-llama'd, "He say Leenda look like me!"
"Bluddee hell!" Constanza's paint roller fell from her hoof as she stared open mouthed at Wolfgang. "You seet down here an' tell me all 'boud eet, whilst I make nice cup of tea (thees ees real emergencee!)".
Nothing loath, Wolfgang sank onto a handy cushion and mopped his brow.
"Eet like thees," he began, "I go weeth Leenda to polleeng stacÃon to cass vode…"
"You nod apply for postal vode then?"
"Postal vode?" Wolfgang hesitated, "How manee you ged?"
"Oooh, fife or seex," replied Constanza airily, "Bud ged on weeth storee!"
"Aneeway, we meet Jeell Archer, and Leenda tell her I practiseeng to giff ride to…"
"Que?" Constanza was horrified, "Does she nefair ged eet? Llamas carree pack, nod peeples!"
"No, nefair! Bud hold on minuto, worss ees to come! I hear Ed Grundee sneeggereeng with Fallon Rogers, an' he say thad eef Leenda wear weeg she look juss like me!"
With trembling hoof, Constanza passed a mug of freshly made tea to Wolfgang.
"Eet beeyond thoughd!" she finally managed to utter, trying not to smirk too much.
"Thees ees no laugheeng madder," remonstrated Wolfgang, sternly.
"No eendeed," said Constanza, picking up her roller and beginning to apply paint furiously to one corner of the shed.
As Wolfgang sipped his tea, thinking deep thoughts of revenge, Constanza painted on.
"Why you painteeng shed blue?" enquired Wolfgang, "Could eet bee thad you tired of peenk? Or ees blue the new peenk?"
"I nod paint all walls blue, juss thees beet here, then we put up screens - y voilà - we haff nice leeddle bedroom, no?"
"Payeeng guess stay weeth Leenda an' Roberto."
"Thees nod for them, eet for Roar-ree. Poor leeddle mite - nobodee wan' heem. Eet make my heard bleed - so I deecide we adopt heem. Eet be nice haffeng child 'round place, no?"
"Nod eef he turn oud like other brads een Ambreedge - wheech can onlee bee madder of time! Aneeway, there no need now, Jenneefer Aldreedge agree take heem on."
"Reallee? You sure?"
Wolfgang shrugged, "As I say, eet onlee madder of time…Now, led me theenk…"
The cogs of Wolfgang's mind went into action, whilst Constanza stood regarding the freshly painted wall, wondering how long it would take before she could restore it to its original pink.
"Eureka! I haff eet!" shouted Wolfgang, jumping up and slapping his thigh. "Firss I muss eenleest een Leenda's scheme safe churchyard…"
"An' thad 'nother theeng - why she nod use sheeps graze grass? (Or us come to theenk on eet?)"
"Then," continued Wolfgang, oblivious to Constanza, "I offer help lovlee, blond Shula weeth survey of graves…"
"An' when you find emptee one weeth no headstone…"
"Yes, yes - I theenk you understand!"
"You push her een, quicklee cofer grave an' nobodee anee wiser! I wonder eef Danieel like liff weeth us?"
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Archers fantasies
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