From Ambridge to Limerick - Part 9
by various
Big stories from the first few months of 2010 are summarised in limerick form on the Fantasy Archers topic of . Here's a selection.
Helen
In a plan that is hard to believe
Hellqueen has a yen to conceive
Her poor little eggses
Pray this one don't have legses
Since her senses are packed up to leave.
Be careful of sperm from the net
Its AIDS, HIV you might get.
You don't know the owner
- maybe paid as a donor
Better sex with some bloke you've just met!
But MY netsperm will be of the best
I've researched it you know (more or less)
And MY perfect child
Will pop out with a smile
And "I heart my mum" on its chest
A vegan who built his own yurt?
Let's hope he's a bit of a flirt,
He could weave her a pillow
Of organic willow
Have the scripties at last hit pay dirt?
Helen felt that she had to say no
To suggestions of "Patrick, my beau,"
But what about Paul,
Once Matt's "over the wall"
Because she likes 'em older, you know!
Said the clinic to our broody Helen
Who just could not wait to start swellin'
"Six months must you wait."
Said H, "I must mate -
"Hey Ian! Come here and get well in!"
Pip and Jude
Well, at last it really was said
David's scared Jude will take her to bed
Pip will lose her virginity
In less than a minute - he
will have to knock Jude down quite dead!
The tea in the pot will be stewed
And the shop cakes remain quite unchewed.
When invited to dine
You arrive right on time,
To do otherwise is quite rude, Jude.
As an excuse, having trouble of car
Seems as if it was fetched from afar
But I fear that the truth
That Pip's hiding from Ruth
Is that Jude had removed her best bra!
Pip's new guy's a bit of a toff
So I'm betting it wasn't Smirnoff -
If he ain't drinking Bolli
I think he shots Stoli,
Down in one like a pig in a trough.
In affairs of the heart Pip's a rookie,
Which explains why this visit to Newquay
Is giving her mummy
Bad vibes in her tummy,
Like riding fast on a Suzuki.
Its hard to do rhyming with Newquay
Our David is in a right stew - he
Gets into a tizz
Thoughs of SEX with his Fizz?
The idea makes him feel sort of puke-y
A surfboarding pillock called Jude
To Pip was exceedingly rude
When she went down to see 'im
She ended his scheme
To get local girls all in the nude
Our intrepid heroine, Pip
Has given her parents the slip
To Newquay did she dash
But she's run out of cash
Now she'll be dining en skip!
Jude is disturbing Pip's work
He treats her as his little perk
You wouldn't think he was thirty
He wants to play dirty
He's a selfish and shallow spoilt jerk!
This seduction of Pip's rather silly
Let's hope that she's gone on the pilly
But she sounds less than keen
P'raps Jude isn't love's dream
And I'd guess he's a very small willie.
Kate
There's something amiss in S.A.
What it is Kate's reluctant to say
Divorce? Separation?
We're agog as a nation!
But odds on it's bad news for Haylay.
Now Kate has gone back to S.A.
Roy and Hayley are cheering "Hooray!"
Good riddance, they hum
She's a pain in the bum
Let's hope Lucas will force her to stay.
So Kate's coming back from S.A.
My God, that's depressing, I'd say
Poor Phoebe, poor Roy
Poor Hayley. No joy
Will be had if that Kate gets her way.
Kate is a perfect example
Of selfish society - a sample.
She will take, take and take
And all others she'll break,
And now Lucas she's started to trample.
Alan and Lent
The vicar is pitching his tent
At Joe's. He promised no rent
Boy, did he drop a clanger!
Joe's after his banger!
Is that legal, with mutual consent?
I always thought sex on the phoner,
Was something invented for loners,
But when I heard the pranks
Of the randy pair Franks
I thought "That's why it's called dog and boner!"
So Alan's vacated his tent
His energy down, he's well spent
He's sick as a parrot
And needs to eat carrot
And some warming beef stew, despite Lent.
Vicky's Veal
As Vicky pursues with some zeal
Her mission to popularise veal
I think she's quite brave
Cos among the enclave
It's not what folk like for a meal.
The milkman's new wife, Vicky Tucker,
Thought killing bull calves far from pukka.
Joe and Eddie demurred:
"They're a drain on the herd
But we have an old cow, let 'em suck her"
Vicky, with missionary zeal
Was intent on selling her veal
Ed got the squitters
But his financial jitters
Were stifled when Vick did the deal!
Phil
A venerable farmer named Phil
Was found by his second wife, Jill
Now Ambridge must weep
For he died in his sleep:
He didn't tell us he was ill.
So Kenton's not coping, boo hoo
So he talks with his kind sister Shu
But Cathy just witters
And gives him the jitters
He stays busy designing Jaxx' loo!
The funeral is done - throw the soils
Over Phil's lonely corpse - end of toils
But the Archer offspring
Will make your ears ring
As they squabble and fight o'er the spoils
Other stories
There was a young[!!??] lady called Lillian
Whose Tiger owed 1.3 billion.
But his half-brother Paul
Seems quite on the ball
Do you think that with Lil he'll ride pillion?
Lil has been caught out red-handed
By Jennie, who came and demanded
That Lil dish the dirt
Was she just a flirt?
Or being somewhat underhanded?
Poor Brenda was feeling quite blue.
Unemployable, what CAN she do?
But the gift of a lappy
Has made her quite happy.
Will she leaflet to say "Tom, thank you."
Twas an odd sort of day at the forum
Jim could hardly muster a quorum
His garum fish paste
Nearly all went to waste
And his guests could have shown more decorum.
When Jazz dressed as retinarii
He probably meant to imply
With his net and his fork
And his very strange walk
That he was the one girls should try!
Our thanks to Inguanoveritas, joe, Sarada Grey, Sixties Relic, The Famous Eccles, The Vintner's Driver and Vicky S
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