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Listeners' Fantasies |
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Landlord, Fill the Flowing Bowl
By Ken E
 This comic take on recent events in Ambridge was posted on the Fantasy Archers topic of The Archers message board.
Scene: The Bull. Sid is in a jovial mood. Jolene, understandably, is not. Bert is hanging about, wittering on to anyone who will listen, as usual: in this case Sam.
Jolene: Go and fetch that gnome in, Sid, it needs cleaning again.
Sid: Right you are, love. It won't take much to get him looking smart - just a bit of sprite and polish. (Sid laughs in that way of his. Jolene contains her mirth).
Bert: 'Ere, what're you doing with moi gnome?
Sid: Just taking him in for a clean, Bert. The birds have been messing on him again.
Bert: Oh. Oi were woiping moi hands on that.
Sam: So you reckon he's your lucky gnome, do you Bert?
Bert: Yup. As moi old grandpa used to say:
Pat a gnome's 'ead
Each night before bed
And you'll be quite wealthy
Before you are dead.
Sam: What a load of nonsense.
(Bert tosses a dart casually over his shoulder).
Sam: Wow, bull's-eye!
Bert: Told yer.
(Jolene follows Sid as he carries the plaster monstrosity into the kitchen. He plonks it down on the cooker).
Sid: Ha. Gnome on the range. (He laughs again. Jolene does her best to ignore him).
Sid: You know, I'm thinking of using him as the basis of a new advertising campaign.
Jolene: You weren't so fond of the thing a few days ago.
Sid: Ah, well, I reckon we might be onto a good thing. Maybe we could serve a range of elf foods ... (More of the laughing. Jolene, to her credit, refrains from slapping him with the floor mop).
Sid: ... such as leprechaun on the cob.
Jolene: Oh God.
Sid: People'd be goblin it down. And our background music wants to go more upmarket too; maybe something a bit classical ... (Jolene flinches).
Sid: ... like pixiecato strings.
Jolene: I think you're wanted at the bar.
(Sid heads off to the bar, where a couple of chaps are waiting, hands on hips and wrists a-flapping. We've not come across them before, but they seem strangely familiar).
Sid: Hello, anybody there?
Stranger: Hello, I'm Florian, and this is my friend Stanley.
Sid: Don't think I know you.
Stanley: No, damn these copyright laws. We're from Bona Inns.
Sid: Bona Inns?
Florian: Yes, the alternative good pub guide. We've been all round Borsetshire. Camping.
Sid: That must be very intense. Intense - in tents. Sometimes I surprise myself.
Stanley: Every time you look in the mirror, I should think. Jolene comes through, carrying the spruced-up gnome back outside).
Florian: Oooh, what an enormous chopper.
Jolene: Mornin', gentlemen.
Sid: That's my wife, Jolene. Married to the landlord - one of the perks of the job, you might say.
Stanley: Oh, are you the landlord? We thought you were the cabaret.
Florian: Any road, we're doing some research for our next edition. We've been everywhere.
Stanley: Everywhere.
Florian: We spent a night up the Marquis of Felpersham, and a most eventful afternoon checking out the Long Man.
Stanley: In the pub car park. But we couldn't complete our tour without visiting your bijou hostelryette.
(Sid, never the quickest on the uptake, is just starting to feel uncomfortable. But, not being one to leap to conclusions, he attempts to retain his cracked veneer of politeness).
Sid: Can I get you some drinks?
Stanley: I'll have a gin and tonic.
Sid: Gordon's?
Stanley: Please yourself, but I'd rather have gin.
Sid: Same for you, sir?
Florian: No, I'll have a pint.
Stanley: He doesn't partake of the hard stuff. The spirit moves him. In sundry places and mysterious ways.
Sid: Sorry to hear it.
Stanley: You should try sharing a tent with him.
(Jolene returns, while Sid begins to fume).
Jolene: Would you like to take a seat? I'll bring your drinks over?
Florian: These chairs look a bit uncomfortable. I wouldn't complain, only I've wrenched me spine.
Stanley: It's all these nights in camp beds.
Jolene: There are a couple of big pouffes in the other room. (They head off).
Sid: Don't encourage them.
Jolene: What on earth do you mean, Sid?
Sid: Those two. They're a pair of ... well, you know.
Jolene: What?
Sid: Woofters. I'm not having it, not in my pub.
Jolene: Oh, don't be so childish.
Stanley (returning to the bar): Excuse me, what's the dish of the day?
Sid: Faggots! Mince!
Jolene: It's up there on the board, look.
Stanley: Oh, ta.
Jolene: Sid, go and take a delivery in the back passage.
(Later. Bert is standing by the gnome with a couple of dice and a pack of cards).
Sam: What are you up to now?
Bert: Oi'm trying a scoientific experiment to prove that Lucky works. First oi'll throw them with moi 'and on 'is 'ead.
(Rattle rattle.)
Sam: Double-six.
Bert: Yup. And now oi'll throw 'em without.
(Rattle rattle).
Sam: Double-one.
Bert: Convinced yet?
Sam: Of course not. There's got to be a perfectly rational explanation.
Bert: Oooo, it's bad luck to question the power of the gnome. Shall we troi the cards, then?
Sam: All right. I'll draw first. Hah, ace of hearts. Beat that.
(Bert draws his card).
Bert: Werl werl. Another ace of hearts. And there's a ten pound note stapled to it. 'Ow did that get there?
Sam (confused): Let me see that pack.
(A magpie flies over and defecates on Sam).
Sam: Aaarrgh! Bloody bird.
Bert: 'Ere, what's it got in its beak? That's moi watch, what oi thought oi'd lost. Well done, Lucky. Still not convinced?
Sam: I'm going home.
(Sam departs, whereupon he promptly trips over the step and falls into a pond).
Bert: There weren't a pond there a minute ago.
(Back inside, Sid has just about calmed down, and is wiping bile off the bar. Florian and Stanley approach).
Stanley: Well, we were most impressed.
Florian: Most. We'll certainly be back.
Stanley: And how is Jamie?
Sid: Jamie? How do you know Jamie?
Florian: Oh, didn't we say? We're his teachers.
Stanley: Jobsharing. Lovely boy. See you at Parents' Evening.
Florian: Bye bye.
(They exit.)
Sid: That does it. I'm emigrating.
Omnes: Hurrah!
(Closing theme).
R4 announcer: The Archers will be back tomorrow night, when Bert has an unexpected windfall and Sam gets hit repeatedly by freak bolts of lightning. On a sunny day. Indoors. Wearing big rubber wellies.
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