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Listeners' Fantasies |
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Eddie's Answerphone
By Vicky S
 To save you the trouble and expense of ringing, Vicky S has transcribed Eddie Grundy's answering machine message, and posted it to the Fantasy Archers topic of The Archers message board.
CLICK.
Nasal breathing. Sniff.
"Hello, this is ... oh **"
CLICK. CLICK.
Distorted sound of Bruce Springsteen's Santa Claus is Coming to Town.
CLICK. Silence.
Paper rustling noise.
Cough/sound of throat being cleared.
Sniff.
"Hello, this is the answerphone for the World of Grundy Christmas Emporium 2004, Eddie Grundy speaking. Thank you for calling, I'm sorry there is no one available here available to speak to you at this moment in time as we are all out but please leave a message after the tone."
"This year World of Grundy are again pleased to announce the availability of all your Christmas Festivity requirements available as required for delivery or collection. May I take a moment of your time at no inconvenience to your good self to inform you of our range of produce available from Christmas World of Grundy."
"As usual World of Grundy turkeys will be available, from 22nd December, plucked and dressed for your dining convenience. You may be assured that all our World of Grundy turkeys are hand-reared and plucked under human conditions oh b&gg&r humane conditions in a controlled and hygienic environment that is cleaned out weekly by myself personally. Order soon to avoid disappointment. As a special offer giblets are included at no extra charge as per usual."
"This year again we are also able to provide logs. We at Grundy Enterprises are an environmentally friendly company so our logs are sourced from the environment, no rain forests have been destroyed to produce them. Our logs are conveniently cut into logs to meet your logging needs."
(Voice off: "Edeee, Edeee, stop messing about with the phone, your dinner's on the table and I told Pat I'd ...")
Muffled voices - indisinct.
".....two minutes!! We are also once again in the fortunate position to offer all organic traditional holly and mistletoe for your 2004 Christmas celebration. Order now for your home or business but don't delay as supplies might be limited due to global warming and the ozone layer."
"AMerryChristmastoOldandNewCustomersfromGrundy'sChristmasEmporium."
Pause, sound of paper being turned over.
"Oh and a happy and prosperous new year in 2005 to us all and customers old and new. HO. HO. HO."
PAUSE.
(Whisper) "Come on Dad get a move on."
"Is that my cue? Do I say it now then?"
"Yes, get a move on Dad."
"Oh right ho. GOD BLESS US EVERYONE. Was that alright Eddie, do you want me to do it ..."
CLICK.
Distorted sound of Slade's Merry Xmas Everybody.
CLICK. Beeeeeeeeeep.
Computer Voice: "This tape is full. No further messages can be left."
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