Death by Marmite
19 April 2002
by Mel O'Drama
Illustration by Little Dot
Betty
was so proud of her new Marmite display at the village shop, prominently
placed between the butter and the Last Tango in Paris videos that Susan
had thoughtfully wrapped in a plain brown, greaseproof bag. Always proud
of new ideas and innovations, Betty called Jack excitedly.
As soon as he picked up his new big button phone (so much easier to clean,
Peggy had told him) Jack immediately called to his ever-willing spouse
to come down to the shop with him and see the Marmite marvel for herself.
"It's not just the taste that gets them, said Betty, explaining her desire
to stock this novelty item that had never graced the shop before, "Baggy
and Snatch came in and said it did wonders for their dobeys… I didn’t
even know they had pets…."
As they surveyed the cascading tower of Marmite jars that Betty had created
(oh how her artistic flair was appreciated in the shop!) Peggy and Jack
stood in awe. "I haven’t seen anything like that since my days of
illegal hoarding and ration coupon counterfeiting in the war", said
Peggy, dewy eyed. But then her face turned pale. "But... but... but...",
she cried, "Where is the tea?"
"Oh, said Betty, I had to move that, its just behind the top of the cascade,
to the left"
Peggy gave a shudder, as she always did, at the word "left", but what
was really annoying her soon became clear: "People must have access to
tea at all times", she screamed, and reached out to move it.
But her slender elbow brushed the Marmite tower, and soon she was sliding
helplessly under the pile of black-yellow jars. Jack wobbled over to save
her but soon he too was crushed by the torrent of Marmite.
"Jick, help!"
"Captain!", called Jack, by this time a little confused.
Despite Betty’s valiant efforts, death by Marmite was pronounced at Borchester
General hours later. The coroner noted in his report the remarkable condition
of the skin of the two corpses – "...not a sign of the scrotal dermatitis
we would expect of a man who wore these kinds of trousers", it read….
Ìý
(In the interests of balance, we should point out that other savoury
spreads are available)
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