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Listeners' Fantasies |
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Bridge Farm 2020
by Bella Milbanke
 Pat's finding it hard to let go, in this cruel tale from the Fantasy Archers topic of The Archers message board.
"Tony, could you clear away the dinner things, please? I don't think Helen's coming down again."
"No. OK, dear."
"Thanks, love. Oh, by the way, I'll have to wash up Tom's "TOM" bowl by hand from now on, because it's got a crack in it and the dishwasher might finish it off. I think you can still put his "TOM" mug and "TOMMY TOMATO (Organic)" knife and fork in."
"Right. Er ... Pat?"
"Yes, love."
"Well, it's just that we've been putting out his dinner place for 15 years and he's never once turned up. You don't think ... well, you don't think it might be time to put it away in the cupboard, do you?"
"Oh right, Tony, thanks for your support. I mean, yes thank you. I sit in the window seat every evening waiting for him to come back and beg us to forgive him for betraying us, and all you can do is sit there suggesting we put away his personalised crockery. You'll be wanting to throw away his cot next."
"Well, if you remember, love, Tom got a bit fed up with sleeping in it himself before he left. In fact, I think he yelled something like "And I'm not sleeping in that fecking TOMMY TOMATO (Organic) cot any more ..." as he left."
[Silence]
"At least Helen's shop's doing well."
"Yes dear."
"She had a customer yesterday."
"Yes, but it was Kirsty again, wasn't it?"
"Yes, but ..."
"And Helen wasn't actually there to serve her, was she?"
"Well, no, but ..."
"In fact, Helen hasn't actually been in her shop for a couple of years, has she? Not since Fallon got drunk at that party and told her it was a Wendy House at the bottom of our garden."
"Oo that Fallon. I could ... well I could just swing for her I could."
"Pat, love, I think we have to face the fact that Helen doesn't live with us now either. She's not in her shop. She's not in her bedroom. She's gone."
"Tony, why are you being so horrible to me today? Why? I can't cope with it all."
"Actually, I think Kirsty might have seen her the other day. She said she was sitting in a field wearing a princess costume and singing a song about organic carrots. She said she seemed very happy, although she cried a bit in the choruses."
"Well, all the carrots die in the choruses. They die because the evil Uncle Brian comes and poisons them and steals away all the goodness from the land. I taught her that song, Tony. She should be singing it here, at home, not in some field somewhere by herself. Let's go and ... [gasp] What was that noise?"
"What noise?"
"There's somebody outside, Tony. Oh Tony, it's Tom, he's come home. It's Tom! It's Tom!"
"No, it's only Jill measuring our marrows again. Shall I chase her off? Honestly, that's the third time this week she's got out. She measured all of Betty's vegetables the other day before the police arrived. And her privet hedge. The woman's a menace."
"No, Tony, leave her be. The woman's quite mad, poor soul. We shouldn't torment her. Let me just set out the breakfast things for us all and let's go to bed."
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