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Geeve 'em Enuff Rope
by Deborah Z

This is the latest in a series of stories on the Fantasy Archers topic of The Archers message board which bring a new perspective to the Snells' exotic pets.

There was a hushed silence as Wolfgang mounted the stage, and then the audience broke into ecstatic applause. Bowing low, and nearly losing his powdered wig in the process, Wolfgang sat down on the piano stool, he flicked back his lace cuff, signalled to the conductor and began to play...

Just then he was startled out of his reverie by strange noises in the garden. Opening the shed door, he went to investigate. He found Constanza, cowboy hat on head, one of Roberts handkerchiefs knotted around her neck and a silver milk bottle top stuck on her chest, whirling a length of rope around her head in an attempt to lasso Lynda's bird bath.

"Whoa there. Round 'em up and breeng 'em een!" she called enthusiastically.
"Whadefer," asked Wolfgang, "Do you theenk you doieeng?"
"I practeese my ropeeng skeells", replied Constanza, "Of course, eet much easier weeth bolas, bud they nod haf them een Uniteed Stades of America, and aneeway eet probablee break stand of birdee bath."
"Eendeed," said Wolfgang, "Bud why you dressed like thad? Breetnee comeeng to veeseet?"
"Doan talk to me boud thad sillee cow! I heartilee seeck of her. Eet been weeks now, but she steel (if you eggscuse pun) meelkeeng eet for all she worth! She eenvite me ofer other day, an' I doan know whad worse - her playeeng drama queen "Eef onlee I could be sure he stay een Isle of Wight", or other cows sayeeng, "There, there, Breetnee, why doan I get us a nice bowl of cattle feed?" Eet quide turn my stomach I can tell you!"
"Hmm," said Wolfgang, "You theenk eet 'boud time she pull herself together then?"
"Si! The onlee reason I go see her ees I theenk maybee I rope her een to help organisacíon."
"Organise whad?"
"Feelm eveneeng."
"Feelm eveneeng? Bud I thought eet all deecided. We all watch Amadeus, and then haf event based on Geeneeus of Mozart - though naturalmente, we re-name eet Geeneeus of Wolfgang. Alreadee I make plans to haf piano lessons weeth Pheel Archer. Juss couple, I sure eet quide easee play piano - efen leettle Peep can do eet."

Constanza nibbled her lower lip, and then said,
"Si, bud I haf bedder ideaÂ…"
There was a sharp intake of breath from Wolfgang.
"I deecide we watch Blazeeng Saddles. Afder all, evereebodee haf pair jeans, checked shirt and bootsÂ…"
"Eggscept Chreesteene Boreford!"
"Then we serve Tommy's organeec sausages, weeth mashed potatoes and bakèd beans, and afder thad…"
"We all seet round campfire fÂ…'
"WOLFGANG!"
"Â…feasteeng on toasted marshmellows."
"Afder eateeng we haf barn dance een José's new pole barn. To add colour, we eenvite cows come to veellage green, and also few horses. Eet be juss like Wild West!"

Wolfgang looked thoughtfully at Constanza.
"Thees ees all 'boud takeeng deeg ad Leenda, eesn't eet?"
"I haf no idea of whad you mean!" said Constanza, opening her eyes wide and gazing innocently at him.
"She verree annoyed ad the resurrection of pole barn, and you know she trod een cowpad twice yesterday?"
"No?"
"Ah si, weeth cows all over green, there beeg chance she do eet for third time!"

A smile played on Wolfgang's lips. "I like eet! Geeve me try weeth lasso, ConstanzaÂ….Singeeng bolas to you pardnersÂ…!"