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Listeners' Fantasies |
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Alan and the Erchers
By Liz Simpson
 Liz Simpson gives us another slice in the life of the Archers' Scottish cousins, from the Fantasy Archers topic of The Archers message board.
It was early evening in Ra Bull, and Davey Ercher sat all on his own in a corner of the bar, nursing a pint of heavy. His brither Kenny might be a right scunner sometimes, but at least he was good company. He sighed heavily, considering the culinary delights that awaited him tonight - he'd told Wir Ruthie it was too big for their New Year's Dinner, and they'd be eating the leftovers for days and days: but she'd gone ahead anyway and roasted a 22-pounder. He hoped the neep rissoles tonight would see the end of it, and they could get back to tatties as usual.
Davey's reverie was interrupted by the arrival of Alan Franks, the meenister. Davey wasnae too sure aboot Alan - he seemed to be too interested in the women, and while Faither said it was harmless, and it was jist that Alan was lonely, Davey felt it was a wee bit suspicious that Alan was aye lonely wi’ the mairrit ones.
"Davey!" cried Alan, "Just the man I wanted to see! I need your advice about an idea for a sermon."
Davey brightened. "Ah've just the very thing in mind for ye, Alan, and it wud make a nice change frae the Song of Solomon. Ye mind the verse in ra book o’ Exodus aboot the motorcycle?"
"No," said Alan, hastily running through Exodus in his head, and failing to recall any such references. "I must have missed that. My theological education was fairly traditional in Old Testament terms, and I tended to concentrate on Solomon and David ... mind you, David seeing Bathsheba bathing on her roof does have a certain resonance in Ambridge with Lillian and her hot-tub - "
"No, no, Alan," Davey interrupted quickly. "Ah wuz thinkin' aboot Moses: ‘And the roar of his triumph could be heard throughout the land’."
Alan flinched. "Thank you for that, Davey - I'll certainly give it some consideration. No, I wanted some advice from you about Usha, given that she's a good friend of your wife's. The thing is, she's inspired me to think about the story of Lot, and I wanted to know what you thought."
Davey reddened. "Dinna believe a’ they stories aboot the cricket club annual dinners, Alan! Ambridge and Darrington are hardly the Cities o’ the Plain!"
"No, no, Davey!" said Alan, reassuringly. "I'm more along the lines of Usha as Lot's wife: a pillar of salt by day, and a ball of fire by night!"
Jings thought Davey, weakly.
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