麻豆约拍

Alice Musabende is a survivor of the 1994 genocide in Rwanda, in which her whole family were killed, along with over a million other Tutsis. Working first as a journalist and later as an academic, she has found it impossible to articulate the reality of the violence which was unleashed on her people.

鈥淚 have spent so many hours, countless of times, writing and reading and trying really to capture the magnitude of the horror. And I still haven鈥檛.鈥�

But now, her two children are curious - about their grandparents, their home in Rwanda and her past. She feels she can no longer run away from 鈥渉er demons鈥� and must find some way to put into words the unspeakable horror she experienced as a teenager.

鈥淎s I started to approach this - not so much as an intellectual project as I had in the last 15 years - but more as a personal human story, I realised I didn鈥檛 know how to do that; and as I do quite often so I panicked! Because I wanted to tell a story not just of death or desolation and pain 鈥� but also of life.鈥�

In this series, Alice asks for help, wisdom and guidance from others who have 鈥渁lready had the hardest conversations鈥� - from fellow genocide survivors, second generation holocaust survivors, a therapist who works with AIDS orphans in South Africa and a publisher of stories in Rwanda. What can they teach her about when and how to tell her boys about her history and the history of their home country?

Questions of identity, second generational trauma, the importance of stories and history legacy are all explored in a series which takes an emotional turn, when the quest suddenly becomes very immediate and very real.

In the third episode, Alice faces up to her fears about transmitting second hand trauma to her boys, by talking to Rita Goldberg - the daughter of Holocaust survivors. Rita says 鈥淚n a way we are all haunted. I am haunted by the shadow of something and it鈥檚 on the periphery of my life all the time鈥� but I have no right to be haunted.鈥� Rita encourages Alice that her love for her boys is a more powerful force than any trauma they may inherit.

Alice Musabende is a journalist and a PhD candidate and Gates scholar at Cambridge University where she studies international peace and security. She is also the mother of two little boys.

Produced by: Catherine Carr
Edited by Jo Rowntree
Music by Ninette Nyiringango
A Loftus Media production for 麻豆约拍 Radio 4

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