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Coping with loss on Mother’s Day

It’s meant to be a day of celebration and showing thanks, but Mothering Sunday can be incredibly hard for many of us.

It may be that your mother has died, you’re estranged, or that your relationship is strained. You may have lost a child, or desperately yearn to be a mum yourself – but instead find yourself struggling with infertility. Whatever the reason, the sight of over-sized cards, elaborate bunches of flowers, incessant marketing emails, TV ads and social media posts of mother-daughter afternoon teas can be irritating at best, and in many instances deeply painful.

But if this is a date that you have become used to dreading, remember that you are not alone and that there are things that can help you to face, and possibly even enjoy Mother’s Day.

A day for remembering

It might be that Mother’s Day, and all that comes with it, reignites the grief and pain of having lost your mum. You don’t get to do all the things that other people do: share a meal together, send a card, or even pick up the phone and talk.

β€œI cannot but remember such things were, that were most precious to me” – William Shakespeare

But you can spend the day remembering her by perusing old photos, and sharing fond memories and stories with others who knew and loved her too. Take a peaceful walk in an outdoor space that she loved, watch her favourite TV show, or bake her favourite cake. On a day when many give their mum flowers, you could think about planting some instead – either in a place that was significant to you both, or in a window box or garden of your own. When they bloom later in the spring, they might help you to feel happy and hopeful.

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The death of your parents is never easy, however old you are.

It may also feel cathartic to write a letter to tell your mum how much you miss her, or scribble down memories to share with your own children in the future.

And hopefully, being grateful for the time you did share together, and everything she gave you, will provide strength and solace at a difficult time.

A day to focus on yourself

If hiding away from Mother’s Day is what you need to do, then that’s fine too. Unsubscribe from all Mother’s Day related marketing emails. Avoid social media. And distract yourself in whichever way feels right.

β€œIf you have the ability to love, love yourself first” – Charles Bukowski

Reaching for a comforting treat might be exactly what you need, or pounding the pavements on a long run. If you can’t spoil your mum, or be spoilt by children of your own, then spoil yourself. Cook a three-course feast, or take a long soak in the bath. If you feel anxious, practice mindfulness, meditation and self-care.

Remember that it’s ok to be sad. To cry, and grieve, and feel anger and jealousy. Find space and time to be alone, to process how you’re feeling – let the tears flow if that’s what feels right.

A day to focus on others

One thing’s for sure, you’re not alone in wanting to see the back of Mother’s Day.

β€œAs you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands: one for helping yourself, the other for helping others” – Audrey Hepburn

So, find and meet friends who are in a similar position to you and who understand why it is hard. As well as gaining a sense of validation, you might just be able to help them feel better too.

Generally, helping others could be an enormously positive and empowering way to spend the day.

You could take flowers a friend who is missing their own mum or undergoing fertility treatment, or to an elderly neighbour who doesn’t have family nearby.

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As part of U2's new album 'Innocence & Experience', Bono wrote 'Iris' about his mother.

Today might be the day to sign up for some volunteering to help other lonely people in your community. Or, in a week when the nation spends millions of pounds on Mother’s Day merchandise, why not donate money to an orphanage and give something to young people facing life without the love of parents or a place to call home?

Mother’s Day might be painful, but it’s also a reminder to be grateful for all the people that do surround you. Your community, your colleagues, the family and friends you love – and the life you share with them.

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