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What can you do as a parent or carer if you know that your child is being bullied at school?

During Listener Week on Â鶹ԼÅÄ Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour, a mother emailed in looking for help and advice. She said that her 15-year-old daughter was being ostracised and bullied by girls at her school and she didn’t know what to do.

Emma Barnett was joined on the programme by Lauren Seager-Smith, CEO of the bullying charity Kidscape, and Dr Jane Gilmour, a Consultant Clinical Psychologist at Great Ormond Street Hospital. They shared their tips and advice for parents or carers of children who are being bullied.

Keep reading for some of their advice.

1. Realise that you’re not on your own

Lauren Seager-Smith, CEO of the bullying charity Kidscape, wants to reassure parents going through something like this that they aren’t on their own.

“I think when families go through this you can feel like you're the only ones and it can feel very lonely and very isolating. At Kidscape, we're here to give practical support to children and families. So you're not the only family going through this. And there will be light at the end of the tunnel. But it is extremely painful.”

2. Get connected with your child

Consultant clinical psychologist Dr Jane Gilmour suggests that parents or carers should start by listening to their child.

“Get connected, just let your child talk. Let all the big emotions out, say very little because it might be the first time they’ve said out loud what's happened to them. Give them that sorting space to figure out what's happened. Allow those emotions to settle and just listen.”

3. Get talking to your child and keep calm

The next step Dr Jane Gilmour suggests is to start talking and find out more about what’s happened. But importantly, keep calm.

“Once the emotions have settled, you will feel as a parent, furious, upset, angry. You will have lots of big emotions yourself. Don't allow those to bleed into the situation. You need to stay calm and stay in control because whether you're a toddler or whether you're a teen, seeing a parent out of control is quite frightening. So you've got to put a lid on those emotions and deal with them outside that context. Stay calm and stay connected and get talking. So talk it through, find out the frequency, how long it's been going on, maybe do some assertiveness training.

“You should also get across to the young person that they are not responsible for sorting this out - this is not her problem to solve. And these actions can sometimes go some way to making some inroads to making it better. So it's not her responsibility, but she can take action. So that's quite a subtle point but it's an important one.”

4. Get practical and talk to the school

Once you’ve found out a bit more about the situation, Dr Jane Gilmour suggests going into the school for a discussion.

“We know the teenagers really want to be part of this, they want to be consulted. So give her as much opportunity to be part of that solution. But you're the grown up, you're going to go into school and you're going to talk to the school.

“I would be asking the school about some whole-school interventions. We know those are effective – there's up to a 50% decrease in bullying events if the whole school is involved. I'd want to know what the anti-bullying policy is. And I would ask the school to involve the young people in writing their own policy. We know it makes a difference to the teenagers' behaviour if they're involved in writing their own policy.

5. Don't steam around to the other parents' houses

“I don't think that's helpful”, says Dr Jane Gilmour. “We would have two parents who are protecting their young person. And we know that calm brains communicate best, and that situation is unlikely to be calm. So, I think using the school as a place where the discussion happens, and potentially getting some mediation would certainly be the best route, because you want to model calm problem-solving to your young people.”

6. Encourage kids to call out bullying behaviour

Schools, parents and carers need to encourage children to reject bullying behavior when they see it, says Dr Jane Gilmour. “The kids that are standing around that bullying event need to call it out and say that it's not on because that immediately punctures the social power. And that is the way that you make a very positive community.”

7. Seek advice if you're unsure about what to do or not confident in your school’s response

“Every school has a legal duty to protect children from bullying and harm”, says Lauren Seager-Smith, but if you’re not confident in your school’s response, contact the Kidscape parent advice line. “We can take you through a process, we can take you through law and guidance, how to have a really good meeting with the school and really get the school on side.

“On that point about being calm, it's so important to go in there focusing on what impact the bullying has had on your child. Working together with the school to come up with a resolution is really, really important. So again, do seek help and we can take you through that process.”

If you’re going through something like this, there’s further information and support on the Â鶹ԼÅÄ Action Line website.

Head to Â鶹ԼÅÄ Sounds to hear the full Woman’s Hour discussion about bullying. It’s the 23 August episode. Join the conversation on Instagram and Twitter @bbcwomanshour.