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There's no doubt it's challenging being a parent, particularly when your children depend upon you for pretty much everything. But what about when they are all grown up? Surely it gets easier? Not necessarily.

Whether it’s navigating new additions to the family (in the form of new partners or even newborns), when they hit a crisis and need your help, or maybe even when you need their help... How can you navigate changing relationships with adult children?

Celia Dodd is the author of All Grown up: Nurturing Relationships with Adult Children, and Annette Byford is a psychologist and psychotherapist who wrote Once a Mother, Always a Mother. They joined Emma Barnett on Â鶹ԼÅÄ Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour to share their advice on how to navigate through this transition.

“Being a mother of an adult child involves greater degrees of separation and you will increasingly become more of an observer of their lives than a core participant,” says Annette Byford.

“Accept that your relationship with your child has changed. That may at times hurt. Don’t fight it but try to embrace the positive aspects of it.”

“If this feels difficult, it is not because you are failing as a mother,” says Annette. “This stage of being a mother is just very challenging for everybody because of its constant demand for adaption to changes in your children’s lives. Try the idea of ‘good enough’ rather than ‘perfect’.”

Try to remember that you’re not a failure if your child is still living at home in their twenties. “Adult children generally do better with the right kind of support from their parents,” says Celia Dodd. “Living at home is increasingly the norm for twenty-somethings. But it should be very different from life with teenagers, and it helps to establish different ground rules from the start.”

“Share your experience with other women,” says Annette. “Mothers tend to hide aspects of their families that they feel reflect badly on them and as a result can lose out on the support and solidarity that comes from talking with other women. You will find you are not on your own and that can be an enormous relief.

“Remember your separate non-mother self. You are more than these children’s mother. Children growing up will inevitably mean that their mothers are getting older. Define what that means to you, don’t let others define it.”

“Newcomers to the family change the family map,” says Annette. “Be interested in them, rather than seeing them as a threat. Particularly for mothers-in-law or daughters-in-law, it can be an enormously rewarding experience to get to know each other as independent women rather than just in your family roles.”

“If you think your child is making a big mistake you just have to bite your lip and hope your body language doesn’t give you away,” says Celia. “Avoid scary forensic questioning, find something you’re both interested in, and if they’re shy, go for a walk or do something together.”

“Grandmotherhood holds many joys. Remember however that this is your child’s baby, not your baby,” says Annette. “Your child holds the baby, you ‘hold’ your child. Tell them how well they are doing, build up their confidence, and listen to their anxieties. Give them breaks to catch their breath.”

“If you’re asked to do regular childcare, think carefully about your own needs and how much time you’re prepared to commit,” says Celia.

“Your child’s needs for your involvement in their lives will constantly change,” says Annette. “However, your own life will have its own challenges, including relationships, work, retirement, ageing parents, perhaps even parental death and your own ageing. It is possible to say no and at least to be clear how much you are able and are prepared to give. Nobody benefits from you overstretching yourself.”

“The balance between help and interference is hard to get right, and sometimes kids just want to offload,” says Celia. “Resist the temptation to jump in with a solution: give them the space they need to sort things out themselves.

“Parents generally call on their children for help only when they’ve got no other choice: when they’re ill, or getting divorced, or bereaved. These big family crises inevitably have a massive impact on adult children too – although when parents are caught up in their own turmoil may not have the bandwidth to do anything other than acknowledge it.”

“Increasingly there should be a greater degree of mutuality in your relationship with your child,” says Annette. “This is not just about their needs, but about your needs also.

“It may feel difficult to stop being the all-powerful matriarch and admit to increasing vulnerability with advancing years. You will need to learn to accept that and express it clearly.”

Listen to the full interview with author Celia Dodd and psychologist Annette Byford on Â鶹ԼÅÄ Sounds, where you can also find every episode of Woman’s Hour you may have missed. Follow us on and @bbcwomanshour.