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Coming out as trans: two personal stories

Finding a partner is hard, but finding a partner when you’re trans is harder still.

And most existing families break apart when a spouse comes out as transgender.

Justine Smithies and Tadhg McMullan are two transgender people living in Scotland, each with a unique story.

The night I came out as transgender to my wife

By Justine Smithies, transgender female

Julie & Justine Smithies
I spent the first 36 years of my life trying to live how society had told me I should as male

Before I came out as transgender I was a shy reclusive person.

I didn’t have many friends and would never really go out unless it was with my family. I found it very difficult to interact socially, for example I couldn’t go out for a coffee on my own like everyone else does.

From about primary school age I knew that there was something wrong.

It was very difficult to make male friends as we just had nothing in common. And I couldn’t make female friends either because I always thought I’d be found out, or that they would find it strange.

I spent the first 36 years of my life trying to live how society had told me I should, as male, but I knew that I was female inside and this nearly destroyed me.

So one night, with nothing else to lose as I just couldn’t go on as I was or I would no longer be here, I blurted out to my wife Julie during an argument that I was a freak.

It sounds bad, but I was terrified and I thought that’s how the world was going to see me from now on. To my surprise – after many nights of shouting, screaming and nearly calling it quits on our marriage – Julie said that she would support me as she still loved me as I still love her.

We’d said in our vows “For richer for poorer, in sickness and in health” and those vows meant something to us both.

I first came out as a trans man when I was 39

By Tadhg McMullan, transgender male

Tadhg McMullan
Being trans male is more complex than not wanting to wear pink frilly dresses when you’re three

It was not that I didn’t want to be male before then, it was more that the world had consistently rejected my masculinity.

I always felt male.

I raged every time I was asked to wear something feminine for an event or family photo. I giggle when I see those pictures now as I think that, 30 minutes before that smiling moment with my sister and brothers, I was a nightmare.

When I was a child, the term for me was tomboy — and I would grow out of it. I look back and feel sad that the person I was was constantly rejected.

What I learned from my formative years was I was not good enough or of any significance. That behaviour created a lost young adult who never knew how to build a life for himself.

I fell in love and gave my all to partners with nothing being built for me. I couldn’t put words to what was missing.

When eventually I came out, I was attending University to retrain for office-based work. I found it amazingly supportive and non-judgemental as long as I was straight about what was going on.

I was really proud of that college.

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