The
Guide to Little Britain
Foreword
Ever
wanted to get the know the real British Isles and the real British
people? Then the Guide to Little Britain is all you need.
This
traveller's guide documents the experiences of two renowned social
tourists - Matt Lucas and David Walliams - as they delight in all
that is mad, bad, quirky and generally bonkers about the people
and places of Britain.
From
the rolling hills of England to the mountains of the Scottish highlands
to the green valleys of Wales, Little Britain takes you on a trip
of discovery to meet the inhabitants of this sceptred isle.
After
a critically successful run on Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ THREE, the former Radio 4 show
starring and written by Matt Lucas and David Walliams moves to the
Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ TWO comedy zone from 1 December at 10.00pm.
Getting
to know Little Britain - a traveller's guide
Vicky
Pollard
"As
the sun sets in southern Britain, those in the north are just waking
up."
Move
to the delightful Western country where you will find the town of
Darkly Noone - where a flock of girls called Rochelle, Destiny and
Candice roam the streets in their school uniforms - terrorising
the innocent townsfolk.
Here
resides the worst of them all - Vicky Pollard - an incomprehensible
borstal girl - the bane of the lives of many a teacher and social
worker.
Often
to be heard rambling about "this fing wot you know nuffin about"
as she stubs out her fags, orders snakebite and denies doing pretty
much anything wrong.
A strange
British breed but one to watch out for on your travels.
Emily
Howard
"People
in Britain do all manner of things for kicks. Some lick stamps,
others sit on chairs... This fellow who calls himself Emily Howard,
likes to dress up as a lady. Takes all sorts..."
 The
seaside town of Old Haven sits proudly on this beautiful part of
the British coastline somewhere near the town of Foulmouth.
A
charming abode for any visitor here is the guest house belonging
to Emily Howard - an unconvincing transvestite.
Emily
welcomes all to his guest house but remember to treat Emily like
a lady or he'll get very upset.
You'll find him wandering the streets with his bag gaily swinging
as he strolls along the prom or pops into a florist or does anything
else ladylike.
However,
some say the "lady" doth protest too much!!!!
Jason
& Nan
"Council
estates are where the old, thick and bone-idle are forced to live."
The
British inner city - where you'll find strange living quarters called
"council flats".
Here
in the Richard Vranch flats - a home to many a young whippersnapper
- you'll find Gary and his complicated friend Jason.
Nice
enough young teenagers but Jason hides a terrible secret - his love
for Gary's Nan - an extraordinary beauty of an ethereal kind - at
least to Jason and his teenage hormones.
Jason
is a unique British teenager - devoted to his elders and caring
to any aged female - maybe a little too caring!
Lou
& Andy
"In
Herby City centre, lies the library. The word library is derived
from the Latin librus meaning Ssssssssshshhh!"
Down
through the Midlands and you'll come across Herby City.
A
minefield for grotty pubs, grotty swimming pools and food shops
called "supermarkets".
Here
you'll see a fine specimen of the caring British male. Lou is a
"helper" and spends endless, selfless days helping his
wheelchair user friend Andy who's grumpy, monosyllabic nature and
inability to make up his mind are what fill Lou's every waking moment.
But
Andy is not all he seems although Lou is oblivious to the fact that
Andy seems to be quite able to walk, climb and even dive when he
wants to.
Daffyd
- the only gay in his village
"Here
we find people of two genders - men and women."
Leave
the flat English plains and head for the mountains of Wales where
somewhere hidden in the deep cut valleys you will see the town of
Llandewi Breffi.
A typically
warm, Welsh town and home to the committed homosexualist, Dafydd.
Proud
to be gay, Dafydd refuses to accept that he isn't the only "gayer"
in his town.
Catch
him swilling Bacardi & Coke's in The Scarecrow & Mrs King
pub or popping down to the newsagents to find (to his horror) that
the only copy of Attitude magazine has been bought!!
Marjorie
Dawes & the Fat Fighters
"Until
a law is passed to imprison fat people, the gluttons of Britain
are free to walk the streets and attend special diet classes like
this one."
 Visit
any small town and you are sure to find a community centre - a truly
British phenomenon where random groups of people meet.
In
one of these centres you will find the likes of Marjorie Dawes -
terrifying leader of the Fat Fighters group.
Marjorie
is a rotund women who insists she is her "target weight"
and proceeds to lead her group of weight-conscious through the dieting
process.
She
has handy hints - "Dust...
it's actually very low in fat so you can eat as much dust as you
like".
And
motivational talks - "picture yourself naked - not nice is
it, eh? Who the hell would want a great lump?"
Dame
Sally Markham
"Since
cigarette smoking has become mandatory, newsagents in Britain have
flourished."
Ah
- the English countryside - acres of fresh air and the rolling fields
with cow pats and huge country mansions dotted here, there and everywhere.
One
of these mansions is owned by Dame Sally Markham - lady of gentility
and also author of love stories extraordinaire.
Visit
her vast abode and stare in awe as she sits creating yet another
"masterpiece d'amour" with her dedicated - and rather
peeved - assistant Miss Grace.
Some
say Miss Grace is the true genius behind the romantic novels but
who are we to judge the nobility?
Bernard
Chumley (& Kitty)
"Tower
blocks were introduced to Britain in the 1960s and were an instant
success. People loved the sense of social alienation, entrapment
and the stench of urine in the lifts."
For
a taste of urban Britain, spend an afternoon visiting the grim high-rise
of Sandi Toksvig House where children spray graffiti and adults
duly encourage it and where acting legend, Bernard Chumley, and
his sister, Kitty, dwell.
Forced
to retire from theatrical society after a horrific accident, Kitty's
star faded and, unfortunately, so did Bernard's.
But
he's not bitter and he dotes on his paralysed sister - well "dotes"
in that he steals her Meals on Wheels and calls in the undertakers
unnecessarily.
Des
Kaye
"The
latest craze to sweep the nation after the Hula Hoop and dog-collecting,
is DIY."
DIY
- the great British hobby - with billions of DIY stores nestling
in business estates all over the country.
In
the Northern town of Little Tokyo, you may hear the cry of "Wicky
Woo" coming from DIY Universe as former entertainer and children's
presenter Des Kaye tries to add some colour into his dull, embittered
life now that he has fallen from the TV pedestal.
Still
desperately trying to reclaim his TV crown and flog his videos -
others can only stare and shake their heads with pity as they mingle
between paints and bathroom fittings.
Kelsey
Grammar - Great Expectations
"Schools
are where tomorrowadults or 'chil-dren' are harvested."
Take
an instructive trip to see the seat of the British education system.
A
fine example is Kelsey Grammar school in Flange for the young and
gifted.
Here
you can find pupils earnestly scribbling down the answers to the
questions of life in between auditioning for the school production
of Tango & Cash and learning the difference between potato and
maize-based crisps.
Oh
and the teachers are bonkers - the norm in any British school!
April
& Neville
"Hospitals
in Britain are where people go to die."
Should
you ever find yourself at a British fete, you may see April &
Neville.
April
is a stalwart of the St Tom's Ambulance brigade - ready to fly into
temporary paramedic action at the sign of any accident.
Her
favourite - or rather, her only - method of healing the injured
is by a variety of mints.
From
the Murray to the Imperial to the Fox's Glacier - the great British
mint is a cure for almost any hurt.
Neville
has yet to believe in the medical use of the mint - much to April's
despair. She knows what she's doing - honest!!
Dr
Lawrence & Ann
"The
health service in Britain is thriving, with three doctors to every
one patient."
For
an example of the fine British health service, visit the Steven
Spielberg Psychiatric Hospital - a large and remote institution
in Flatley where the ever-calm Dr Lawrence likes to keep the rules
relaxed and allow his patients to run wild and blend into the local
community.
One
mad patient - Ann - has a regular Saturday job at the local library
which involves throwing books at the floor.
She
often gets invited to Dr Lawrence's home where she spends her time
smearing food everywhere whilst screeching incoherently.
A
modern and highly successful British institution where mental health
is only a state of mind.
Sebastian
& Michael (PM and his aide)
"Every
thirty years people in Britain have the opportunity to vote in a
general election. There is one party to choose from and that party
usually wins."
London
- seat of the Houses of Parliament and home of the main man - the
Prime Minister - a man loved by his country and also particularly
loved by his aide and confidante - Sebastian.
Sebastian
does anything he can for the Prime Minister and loves nothing more
than to get him on his own.
Michael
the PM is oblivious to Sebastian's love and only just tolerates
his erratic behaviour but Sebastian will do anything to stay close
- very - close to his beloved PM.
Ray
McCooney
"A
favourite destination for holiday makers - after Siberia - is Scotland."
Hidden
in the dramatic landscape of Scotland, past the hanging tree on
the left, you'll find Ye Olde Hotele run by an eccentric Scot called
Ray McCooney.
Ray
lives in a fantasy medieval world but welcomes travellers to his
humble abode.
He
plays his flute and dances and - if you have the patience - he will
tell you of the tiny sprites that speak from the noisebox (the TV),
the mistress of the purse (tax inspector) and the legend of the
seeded fruit that is often mistook for a vegetable (tomato).
Enjoy
your pleasant stay with his typical Scottish hospitality and if
you are lucky he'll leave you with a riddle!
Dennis
Waterman & Jeremy Rent
"It's
ten past Diana, and in Sneddy's fashionable West End, the offices
of theatrical agent Jeremy Rent."
Down
in the trendy boho streets amidst the bars and exclusive pubs you
find the office of Jeremy Rent - agent to the stars.
Many
legends of stage and screen have graced his door but at the moment
Jeremy Rent is having a little trouble with Dennis Waterman.
Teeny
weeny Dennis keeps turning down scripts to TV shows because he always
wants to "star in it, write the themetoon, sing the themetoon"
leaving Jeremy exasperated and desperate to find work for little
client.
A
true taste of the mechanics of the people behind the British showbiz
stars.
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