Two men are sat centre stage; one in a blue military uniform, the other in red. General Polite: I'm actually quite offended by your position on this matter. If you refuse to change your mind I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you. General diplomacy: That's a tough but fair stance, but you realise that if you kill me, my men will kill you? GP: Naturally my dear fellow, I wouldn't have it any other way, but first you must realise that should your men kill me, my men will be forced to attack your men. It's a matter of honour don't you see? GD: Of course this is all supposing you are a good enough swordsman to kill me in the first place. GP: While I have the utmost respect for your reputation as a swordsman, I believe you are underestimating my own considerable talents (draws sword). GD: Far from underestimating you, I likewise have a considerable respect, and whole heartedly regret the need for this, however (draws sword). Two men fight. As the sound of swords clashing grows, more and more men enter stage, each wearing a uniform. When they see the two leaders scrapping, they sigh resignedly and start to fight. Before engaging any opponent they make a comment along the lines of "I'm really very sorry about this" with a response of "Me too, but you know how it is".ΜύWhenever anyone is killed a comment should be made like "so sorry." Two leaders take a break and move forward, they pick up drinks. GD: Your troops are remarkably well trained, old chap. GP: That's very kind of you to say, how about granting a coffee break. The war may go a lot quicker with our men a bit sharper. GD: Sounds good to me. GP (Shouting): Take five guys, good job. There is a pause while our cast have a drink, these should be brought in by men in red and blue track suits with the word coach on the back. These two should chat to the soldiers in the background. Meanwhile the two generals should survey the battlefield with a number of bodies over it. GD: Looks about even stevens to me. Maybe you've got a slight advantage. We'll have to turn that round in the second half. GP: I dunno thou... It looks like you've dispatched my ditherers, leaving us with just our fearsome back line. I'll be impressed if you manage to get many more. GD: The bigger they are the harder they fall. Our guys will be stronger after the break. Pause while they survey the bodies in silence, after a while they turn and bow to each other, retreating to be with their soldiers, while GP chats with his "coach", GD addresses his men using a very different voice from the one he uses when chatting to GP. GD: Ok men, this one's very tight, we're evenly matched, but at the resumption of hostilities I want you to go out there and give me everything. We need to turn this round, yes there is more of them, yes they are well trained, I'm not going to lie to you, it will be tough. However, I'm tremendously proud of each and every one of you. Keep it up. GD chats to his coach while GP addresses his men GP: You're doing tremendously well. I'm very impressed with all of you. Stay sharp, stay focused, and we will prevail. Remember to keep it clean out there. Generals approach each other, bow and draw swords, soldiers resume. It is still a very polite battle. The coaches withdraw back stage where they comment to each other on the progress. RC: That tall chap of your looks very impressive. Good technique. BC: Aye, he full of potential, a bit impatient sometimes, but developing nicely. RC: Don't suppose he could be persuaded to change sides could he? BC: Doubt it, very loyal chap. Pause. Did you see that? it was amazing, I've never seen anything like it. RC: Thanks very much, we've been working on that in the training fields. Of all our men, only two our three can do it successfully. BC: You'll have to show me how to do it. RC: In all the years we've known each other, have I ever told you our secrets. They both laugh. Pause. RC: Still very even, hard to tell who's going to win it. BC: Wouldn't like to say. Pause. Two generals emerge front of stage. GP: OK you win, I've had enough. GD: You're very kind, To be honest I thought you had me a few times. GP: A very fair war, fought with honour. GD: Yes this has certainly been a very civil war. | 
