Are you the kind of person who really hates the world and wants to DO something about it?
Are you utterly amoral, without conscience, yet fantastically wealthy and enjoy the finer things in life?
If so, you might just be the kind of evil megalomaniac who attracts the attentions of Her Majesty's Greatest Spy. Here are a few tips to aid your cause...
Have a Fantastically Eccentric Base of Operations If you're going to take over the world, you can't do it from a lock-up in Peckham. Anything less than, say, a hollowed-out volcano, an undersea city, or a space station simply won't do - so get saving, and be creative. Just make sure not to submit your plans to the town planning department.
Maintain a Threatening Charm Mr Bond is a danger and must be taken care of, but there's no need to be vulgar about it. Invite him to a sumptuous dinner, divulge your entire plan over a bottle of vintage red wine, and pepper your conversation with a ridiculously heavy subtext.
Keep the acquaintance of psychopaths You'll never want to dirty your own hands, so to deal with pesky spy problems, you'll need to employ obedient, physically imposing, and utterly deranged psychopaths - preferably with some distinguishing feature (steel teeth, impervious to pain, that kind of thing) or a some natty signature trick (razor-tipped bowler hat!). Look under P in the Yellow Pages.
Have a stunning girlfriend You won't like her, and you certainly won't respect her - but she'll look great. Besides, as soon as she claps eyes on 007, she'll inevitably betray you, meaning there'll have to be a particularly "permanent" break-up involving an aquarium tank and man-eating fish.
The Redundancy Package Your minions will be efficient but prone to lapses of moral decency. As a result, their services must be dispensed with immediately. Seeing as they'll "know" certain things and you won't like HR paperwork, it's always good to have a "Painful Death" clause written into their contracts.
Inexplicably Enormous Underestimation of Mr Bond You're exceedingly keen on Bond's destruction, yet you'll regularly place him in traps that he'll easily escape from, therefore maintaining the dramatic repartee between you. And when you tire of failure, make sure you pop over to Dr Evil's lair to bitch about it all.
