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The Floating Gin Palace
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Message 1.Β
Posted by Sambista (U4068266) on Wednesday, 25th May 2011
Welcome aboard! This vessel is bound (eventually) for an unspecified non-EU destination (hence all supplies are duty-free) but it is probable that, after the launch party, she will be aground on her own empties (a fate suffered by at least one RN warship in immediate post-war days in Yugoslavia) so no passenger will be subjected to the rigours of sea-sickness.
We are currently situated in Gloucester Docks, and chartered trains are available to bring all passengers and other baggages to the foot of the gangplank. Kinldly speak to the Purser to receive your cabin allocations. All gannets, onagers, self-destructing relatives, antipodean barpersons etc. shoud be consigned to no. 1 hold.
All regulars are invited to dine at the Captain's table this evening - dress optional, but complete nudity is discouraged. -
Message 2
Posted by Jak (U1158529) on Wednesday, 25th May 2011
Can we smoke?
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Message 3
Posted by somewhatsilly (U14315357) on Wednesday, 25th May 2011
What can we smoke?
I trust the gin is not compulsory, it makes me very morose indeed as well as tasting like cheap aftershave. I'm beginning to worry about the fizz as well since Charlene warbling the refrain "I've been to Nice.and the Isles of Greece and I've drunk champagne on a yacht" is now immovably lodged in my head.
I'll risk it though, a large flute please, not old nor orange. -
Message 4
Posted by Sambista (U4068266) on Wednesday, 25th May 2011
Can we smoke?Β Of course. Whilst not compulsory, smoking is encouraged. When piped through the funnel, it helps convince the Feds that we are or at least may soon be under way.
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Message 5
Posted by somewhatsilly (U14315357) on Wednesday, 25th May 2011
Before anyone is misled by my dodgy syntax, I don't taste of cheap aftershave, only the good stuff. Gin, however, does.
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Message 6
Posted by Caro (U1691443) on Thursday, 26th May 2011
I'm rushing to get on, though it was tempting just to stay behind feasting at my leisure on ferval's steaks, and seafood and cock-a-leekies.
I don't see why people would want gin either, when it's much cheaper to buy a bit of meths or kerosene for much the same flavour.
Cheers, Caro. -
Message 7
Posted by islanddawn (U7379884) on Thursday, 26th May 2011
Still an improvement on a Floating Djinn Palace I dare say.
Although I thought Urn would be more obliging and not disapprove of a birthday suit or two at table. Saves having to wash clothes at least. -
Message 8
Posted by somewhatsilly (U14315357) on Thursday, 26th May 2011
Since this is obviously a luxury establishment, could I have a Buck's Fizz and then scrambled eggs and smoked salmon please?
I'm with Ur on the dress code issue, all those naked bums having to be peeled off the elegant leather seats at the end of the evening would be unpleasant not to say noisy. -
Message 9
Posted by Caro (U1691443) on Thursday, 26th May 2011
I think he's probably heard enough details about the general appearance of his clientele not to want them too graphically and obviously displayed.
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Message 10
Posted by mismatched (U14242423) on Thursday, 26th May 2011
As a lurker could I ask under what flag are you sailing? I do not think that you can use the Jolly Roger any more
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Message 11
Posted by Sambista (U4068266) on Thursday, 26th May 2011
Obviously we are sailing under a flag of convenience - to avoid interference by nosy officials - and are currently wearing the mercantile ensign of Bolivia. As Bolivia has no coastline, they have no interfering Revenooers. The so-called "Jolly Roger" wasn't the most favoured pirate flag anyway, since it promised quarter if the crew didn't resist - the plain red banner declaring that the crew and passengers would be put to the sword was much more popular amongst the Brethren of the Coast.
All menus are al la cart - the stewards shove everything available on the cart, and you help yourself.
Gin as a drink is, of course, optional, although we have a quantity aboard. We use it as starting fuel for the diesels, as aftershave, and for sterilising the cutlery after Uncle Titus (and sundry other denizens of the lower deck and stokehold) have been in contact with it. It still conforms to the old advertising slogan - "Drunk for a penny, dead drunk for tuppence, straw for nothing" – you get the straw to crash out on once you have drunk too much.
If gin remains your choice, can I recommend the Oude Genever. No better than the rest as a drink, but the kickbacks to the crew are much better. -
Message 12
Posted by Caro (U1691443) on Thursday, 26th May 2011
Who are the crew? We knew who the second in command was last time, but people have been cagey about who they have employed or commandeered for the rest of the work. It's not going to be the passengers, is it? I can say clearly now that I don't go up masts, and I don't go down into bowels of things, either. In any sense.
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Message 13
Posted by Caro (U1691443) on Thursday, 26th May 2011
And I hope there's no rats on board. I see that my middle-aged (okay, that's a bit of a euphemism) brain isn't working so well because it has been stressed. I don't remember these stresses, but no doubt the studiers know best.
I would be more convinced if half-way through this article it hadn't mentioned using young, middle-aged and old RATS to judge my brain with. I'm feeling insulted at the comparison. On the other hand maybe it explains why after nearly a month of trying to learn the poem On Wenlock Edge I can wake in the middle of the night bothered because I can't remember the first line. Certainly can't remember the first line of the second verse. I don't think rats are very good at memorising poetry.
Cheers, Caro. -
Message 14
Posted by somewhatsilly (U14315357) on Thursday, 26th May 2011
Thanks a bunch, Caro. So not only am I losing my memory, muscle tone and teeth but the plasticity of my neural spines. Might as well go on smoking and drinking then, there's no hope.
A flagon of your best red please, innkeeper and a carton of B&H full strength. -
Message 15
Posted by Sambista (U4068266) on Thursday, 26th May 2011
Here you are - as proprietor of a previos bar, you get a 100% discount on your first four orders.
The crew - the less said the better. Just don't tell them our destination (not difficult since it hasn't been agreed yet). The majority are on a single-trip contract, and expect to disembark and start a new life on arrival. They are paying several hundred Euros each for the privilege of serving you. The rest daren't disembark anywhere in these days of extradition warrants. -
Message 16
Posted by somewhatsilly (U14315357) on Thursday, 26th May 2011
About this flag of convenience, could we not just stick with the usual method, a red or green sign when you close over the lock, rather having to hoist a flag to indicate 'occupied'? Or even the old fashioned method, loud singing.
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Message 17
Posted by islanddawn (U7379884) on Friday, 27th May 2011
Yes, where are the conveniences btw? I remember when Urn hosted the upside down Ziggurts we had to use potties, let us hope that this version has a more comfortable arrangement. A terrible thought has occurred, we don't have to hang our bottoms over the side do we?
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Message 18
Posted by Nielsen3 (U14417619) on Friday, 27th May 2011
Even though I ought to know not to show my face in such places, your comments in general and especially this, ID, '... I remember when Urn hosted the upside down Ziggurts ...', made me remember the picture of two bats resting when one says to t'other, 'd'you know what my only fear in aging is?' - 'No,' says # two, 'do tell me, - 'Incontinence!'
That picture needs flushing away from my mind again, an Ale # 16, please, barperson, PLEASE.
- Note to self, remember not to look so closely at persons dress, until knowing what sex he/she is - well, here, I still don't know?
Cheers, Nielsen
And seriously, where are the trebuchets garaged this time?
And t'gannets as well as other projectiles and missiles? -
Message 19
Posted by Sambista (U4068266) on Friday, 27th May 2011
In addition to the luxurious en-suite facilities of your own stateroom, Nielsen, the heads are situated along the companionways into the bar - every bar aboard , in fact.
Ale as requested - enjoy! -
Message 20
Posted by islanddawn (U7379884) on Saturday, 28th May 2011
A prodigious portion of port parakalo.
In which direction are we drifting now? -
Message 21
Posted by somewhatsilly (U14315357) on Saturday, 28th May 2011
Yes, have we even set sail yet or is this the kind of gin palace that stays tied up at the quay while the passengers sit on the aft deck, drink bubbly and look down on the passing throng?
I'll have another glass anyway. -
Message 22
Posted by islanddawn (U7379884) on Saturday, 28th May 2011
I'll have another quick port then I'm off to the bath with a book. The football is about to commence and I suppose the men will all be anchored in front of the TV for the next couple of hours, like mine is. It may be a while before we drift anywhere interesting, I fear ferval.
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Message 23
Posted by Sambista (U4068266) on Saturday, 28th May 2011
Football? Is there some football on, then?
Yes, we remain firmly tied up to the jetty, awaiting a decision by the passengers of any destination hey might like to visit, -
Message 24
Posted by Caro (U1691443) on Saturday, 28th May 2011
Well, my husband won't take me to Jersey (he says it's too expensive) so perhaps we could start there. Might pick AN up while we are in the vicinity.
I told him not to listen to the news or he would hear the result of the football, and he said, "It's not on till tomorrow", a statement that proved incorrect a few minutes later. Still, will save a bit of time. Have to put suitably commiserating face on for bil.
Cheers, Caro. -
Message 25
Posted by islanddawn (U7379884) on Sunday, 29th May 2011
Yes, we remain firmly tied up to the jetty, awaiting a decision by the passengers of any destination hey might like to visit,Β
Surely there is somewhere interesting that we haven't graced with our presence yet? And is the Floating Gin Bottle also capable of floating back in time or are we stuck in the present?
I'll have a glass of white wine whilst I'm here, it is suitably summery today. -
Message 26
Posted by Sambista (U4068266) on Sunday, 29th May 2011
Time travel will have to wait until a future proprietor obtains the services of a "Time And Relative Displacement In Space" type machine. Unless anyone else has an overriding objection, we may as well head for Jersey - a little early for the Battle of the Flowers, but we do have numerous kegs of Flowers for those inclined to imbibe it.
re football - I don't come from Manchester, and remain almost totally indifferent to the fortunes of the Newton Heath Lancashire and Yorkshire Railway Football Club. -
Message 27
Posted by somewhatsilly (U14315357) on Sunday, 29th May 2011
Jersey would be lovely, I used to go there on holiday as a teenager and haven't been back since the early 70s but I remember it very clearly and would like to see if it's changed.
In the meantime, could I have a schooner of manzanilla please? I'm filthy and shattered after trailing up and down nasty tussocky and boggy hills fieldwalking in a howling gale, got blown over twice. -
Message 28
Posted by Sambista (U4068266) on Sunday, 29th May 2011
Your wish etc - one schooner of manzanilla it is.
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Message 29
Posted by somewhatsilly (U14315357) on Monday, 30th May 2011
I've been taking the chance to explore the vessel while the management have been elsewhere, the swimming pool is a wee bit small but the wave machine's quite impressive. I don't know why you bothered installing a gym, we have never struck me as being the sort of folk to work out regularly, but I did enjoy the massage in the spa. Your Nubian masseurs are exemplary.
I'll have a champagne cocktail now; are we on route to Jersey and if so, when will we arrive? -
Message 30
Posted by Sambista (U4068266) on Monday, 30th May 2011
The Management, if by that term you mean me, have been at the Inland Waterways Museum in Ellesmere Port - and believe me, most of the craft there are in a far worse state than this vessel.
Glad you found some of the facilities to your liking. We are looking at the possibility of replacing the skeet shooting on the foredeck with the trebuchet - not sure what targets will be available.
ETA St Helier is 6 bells in the Morning watch the day after tomorrow, June 1st. This is because we need to rendesvous with the smugglers to take on more supplies.
Champagne cocktails are current;ly being dispensed in all bars and the saloon. -
Message 31
Posted by Caro (U1691443) on Tuesday, 31st May 2011
Lucky we have transport provided and don't have to worry about drink driving. Our newspaper's front page had a little account of the amusement of a judge at having a 30-year-old in front of him who had been so drunk he couldn't get his EFTPOS cards to work and then the service station saw him get into a car (not his own) which he drove home in. In the morning here was this strange car in his drive so he called the police! They most unfairly took the opportunity of charging him.
These stories always lack a little something - what happened to the driver whose car it was? And why didn't the garage call the police that night? -
Message 32
Posted by somewhatsilly (U14315357) on Tuesday, 31st May 2011
Can I assume we're berthed in St Helier? If we are, I hope we're going to have a lovely sea food lunch and I don't mean from the chippy. Is there an island tour laid on with a cream tea later? Am I obsessed with food? No, I'm equally fond of wine and yes, you're right Caro, not having to worry about how many units you've imbibed does take the pressure off.
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Message 33
Posted by islanddawn (U7379884) on Tuesday, 31st May 2011
Cream tea! I must say this place is beginning to appear slightly high-brow. Whatever happended to the spit and fag butts on the floor, the over-flowing loos and unwashed glasses?
A flagon of port please, and I will not be raising my pinkie whilst scoffing and slurping. -
Message 34
Posted by somewhatsilly (U14315357) on Tuesday, 31st May 2011
Got to put a lining on your stomach, ID, it sets you up for the revelry later.
Anyway, there's a hotel here where afternoon tea includes a tea pot full of the cocktail of your choice. Shades of the speakeasy. So I'll have a pot of margaritas with my scones. -
Message 35
Posted by islanddawn (U7379884) on Tuesday, 31st May 2011
I don't suppose anyone will be keen to try the Spanish cucumber sandwiches though.........
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Message 36
Posted by Nielsen3 (U14417619) on Tuesday, 31st May 2011
Nah, but you might try the Austrian music though in the Bierhalle, though ...
I now head for covers with the two gallon bottle of Calvados.
See you later! -
Message 37
Posted by Nielsen3 (U14417619) on Tuesday, 31st May 2011
Dammit, I forgot to put the link in
[Unsuitable/Broken URL removed by Moderator] -
Message 38
Posted by Caro (U1691443) on Tuesday, 31st May 2011
Who has been so wicked as to need to be reported? I expect it's something to do with copyright, or some such technical problem. None of us would ever be rude or offensive or whatever other things we are not allowed to be (but people often seem to me to be exactly).
Cheers, Caro. -
Message 39
Posted by somewhatsilly (U14315357) on Tuesday, 31st May 2011
Well it wasn't me what wrote the offending post nor reported it. I hate it when that happens, I just speculate wildly about the misdemeanour and am desperate to read it but I'm usually disappointed with how mundane the offence is. We could do with some rip roaring blasphemous obscenity or at least some frothing lunacy to liven things up.
In the meantime, a flagon of the warm south please, I've been re enacting fairy tales all day with the grand daughter and was tempted to suggest the cooking scene from Hansel and Gretel by 4.30. -
Message 40
Posted by Caro (U1691443) on Tuesday, 31st May 2011
There's a few you could have chosen, ferval. Goldilocks could have been caught by the three bears. Perhaps much earlier on in the day your granddaughter could have Little Red Riding Hood. (My eldest son used to hide behind the sofa when Playschool had renditions of LRRH.) Or best maybe would have been the 100-year's sleep of Sleeping Beauty. Or if she doesn't appreciate perfect beauty, maybe Rumplestiltskin's 20 years would have given you respite. Failing that, a mouthful of the poisoned apple, perhaps.
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Message 41
Posted by Caro (U1691443) on Tuesday, 31st May 2011
Have just gone to google "Rita" and google's little colours have changed into lots of kids' toys. It is International Children's Day, according to them. I feel we have such a thing in October usually. Perhaps we have several a year. I expect for your g-daughter every day is Children's Day. Sounds like it to me - I think you should read Not Now Bernard and take it to heart. (Do you know NNB by David McKee? - my youngest son's favourite book for reasons no one can understand. Guaranteed to bring a smile of recognition to any parent's face.)
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Message 42
Posted by somewhatsilly (U14315357) on Tuesday, 31st May 2011
Caro, I had tried most of those but confinement within an oven was getting to seem the only option by that point. I have a cheek to complain, at her age Sleeping Beauty was my favourite and since we had an old Singer treadle sewing machine that made a very satisfactory substitute for a spinning wheel.
I know NNB but I don't know where to source a monster.
Another flagon please, steward. -
Message 43
Posted by Nielsen3 (U14417619) on Wednesday, 1st June 2011
T'was I who got reported for suggesting listening to a certain Austrian melody grand prix tune in the local Bierhalle.
Apparently putting youtube links to anything but English spoken songs are a no-no, as this is the second time I've been sin-binned for so doing.
Methinks I shall sit quietly in a corner and sulk awhile. -
Message 44
Posted by Caro (U1691443) on Wednesday, 1st June 2011
Really? You mean I couldn't put a link to Dame Kiri te Kanawa singing Pokare Kare Ana?
I'll join you in the corner, if that's all right and we can moan together about the world's stupid rules. While we have one or two little drinkies just to sooth our ruffles feathers.
Cheers, Caro. -
Message 45
Posted by Nielsen3 (U14417619) on Wednesday, 1st June 2011
I don't suggest YOU couldn't, Caro, I just can't.
Feel free to sit in the corner with me, as for moaning though, I feel more like mooning someone ...
And you may look OK in feathers - ruffled or not, but the last time I felt my way through feathers weird things happened and I ended up with a new mother-in-law - for a while - a sad story that I don't intend going into again.
As for the drinks, just roll 'em up, and I'll attempt to follow your lead.
Cheers, Nielsen -
Message 46
Posted by Caro (U1691443) on Wednesday, 1st June 2011
I wore feathers on my wedding dress ( a very fetching red outfit it was, much more interesting than these white things people wear now), Per. I don't think I married you, did I?
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Message 47
Posted by Nielsen3 (U14417619) on Wednesday, 1st June 2011
As far as I am aware I've never been married - yet - the sight of some m-i-l scared me off or t'other way round.
Strangely enough I was never quite as scared of the girls as of their mothers ...
Did you receive the tune I sent or have I got your adress muddled up? -
Message 48
Posted by Caro (U1691443) on Wednesday, 1st June 2011
It's there, but I'm off to bed right now, so I will listen to it in the morning. Thanks. (You could have married me - I didn't have a mother.)
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Message 49
Posted by somewhatsilly (U14315357) on Wednesday, 1st June 2011
Blimey Caro, I thought there was only one immaculate conception, I'll be awfully nice to you from now on.
Neilson I'll join you in the corner if you don't mind. I've just heard that our summer is to take place on Friday, 3rd June, for one day only and I'm fed up. -
Message 50
Posted by Sambista (U4068266) on Wednesday, 1st June 2011
Blimey Caro, I thought there was only one immaculate conception, I'll be awfully nice to you from now on.
Neilson I'll join you in the corner if you don't mind. I've just heard that our summer is to take place on Friday, 3rd June, for one day only and I'm fed up.Β A whole DAY of summer? Luxury!
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