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Posted by somewhatsilly (U14315357) on Monday, 14th March 2011
On leaving the cavern you will see a shining cigar shaped craft bearing an appropriate resemblance to a giant suppository moored conveniently close to the ground. Welcome to your new bar, the delightful Discursive Dirigible – make your own decision as which meaning applies. After our troglodyte experience, it seemed apt to move to a higher plane and cast off into the wide blue.
I have chosen to forswear hydrogen for lifting, too many bright sparks and explosive personalities on board. Also helium; were it to leak and those such as Nordmann, Temp and TP start sounding like Donald Duck it would seem like lese majeste. Therefore we will be borne aloft by hot air, free and never in short supply. This will be piped directly from the History Hub so I will leave it to you to guess which posters will be particularly welcomed.
The saloon has large picture windows, tasteful leather banquettes and tables for serving the food which will be acquired via the lowering of a volunteer on a long rope while passing over a suitable take away establishment. The long rope can also be utilised to allow passers-by to join us and for the suspension of disruptive elements.
The toilets are handily situated on the lower deck and a vote will be taken to choose which parts of the world will receive the contents of the retaining tanks when they become a health hazard. They are adjacent to the chain locker/religious observance compartment.
There is an open air viewing platform for the non smokers. If they choose oxygen reduced air over a healthy fug indoors then that’s their problem. I will consider the provision of aqualung type equipment for a considerable fee.
Heavy lifting gear has been hired to install bulkier items – the trebuchet, onagers and Miss F if she’s still around and a ramp to help the livestock and anyone on their hands and knees come aboard.
Out of date kebabs must be disposed of in a hygienic manner. Casseroles can be transferred if deemed edible.
Parachutes are not provided so perhaps customers should consider crocheting their own.
Enjoy your flight.
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Oh my, a giant didgeridoo! Well done ferval.
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Welcome aboard bandick, the baseball bat is beside the till. Use it wisely and vigorously if they give you a hard time.
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Ferval,
'scuse me for being a pain in the bum from the start, but re your "... The toilets are handily situated on the lower deck and a vote will be taken to choose which parts of the world will receive the contents of the retaining tanks when they become a health hazard. They are adjacent to the chain locker/religious observance compartment. ..."
Out of necessity I must ask if said loos are accessible for electrical wheel-chair users?
My needs are occasionally pressing, and in order to avoid soiling the floors beneath distinguished guest - as well as the usual rum lot - why not have something done to keep the garments of guests clean, or at least relatively so?
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Of course they are entirely accessible, they're not called conveniences for nothing. There is a comfortable meercat operated lift, the large wheel which they turn while chasing possible insurance customers also generates electricity.
Am I to understand that my co licencee was not on hand to tell you this and escort you to the aforementioned contrivance? Words will have to be had.
Do have a complimentary Absolute to make up.
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Oh joy Cpt. fervel, a baseball bat… you mean we have a games field… who’s picking the team s then?
Ang on a mo…~Am I to understand that my co licencee was not on hand to tell you this and escort you to the aforementioned contrivance? Words will have to be had.~ wwwwhoo is that…? And if it’s who I think it is… who’s taking me…?
Do we set a course for anywhere, or just drift around the heavens… do we have a juke box and a dance floor.
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We are at the mercy of the wind, bandick, until I work out how to divert the meerkat power to drive the propeller but I have no doubt that one of the engineering enthusiasts will be able to help and have fun playing with gears and transmission rods and the like. Given the prevailing wind here is from the west, it looks like a gentle drift across the middle of Europe until we get that sorted. When we get to the mountains I'll release some of the Cass/Tas magic levitating gas that I'm keeping in reserve to give us sufficient altitude.
I really only meant you should show Nielson where the lift was, not assist beyond that. You, of course, will know by now exactly where everything is and that, spacious and luxurious as this bar is, there is no room for outdoor sports apart from splashing in the hot tub.
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So the baseball bat… is for… stirring giant cocktails… cracking open 100 yr old pickled gannets eggs… tenderising steak…? Striking the dinner gong…?
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Crushing ice or, failing that, that the knuckles of unwanted boarders.
Do you realise that it's only you and me here, we'll never raise enough to cover our own drinks never mind pay for those winter sun holidays at this rate. Better water the spirits and remember, only distilled water in the gin in case it goes cloudy.
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Maybe a clog dancing evening… that’ll liven things up… or you could bring your pipes in. I love the pipes and drums.
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Good god man, do you want us to go bust in the first few days? Clog dancing? Pipes? All we'd need would be some leprechaun tossing and a dragon in the loo and we'd have fulfilled Tas's vision of a jolly united nation partying away of an evening.
Nothing else for it, we're going to have to offer drinks on the house and maybe a packet of nuts shared out. I know it hurts but need's must.
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Pipes? Ah yes, I'll light up. It's pleasant here. Hope that's helium above us and not hydrogen.
And ... drums? Oh, you meant ** BAGpipes????
Aargh. Let me outta here. Ghastly racket. They only play four recognisable tunes, all with wrong notes, cos they haven't enough holes on their chanter - that's the tube at the bottom that they finger. And those damn drones - they're the tubes sticking up in the air, droning a continuous X-flat to "harmonise" (!!) with whatever the "melody" is supposed to be.
Hell's own instrument.
Take a stroll down Edinburgh's Princes Street in the summer. At least a couple of bagpipers will always be within your hearing. Playing the same four tunes, badly. Yecchh. Gimme a parachute. I'm off.
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I've brought the whisky / whiskey stash from the last bar. Wouldn't it have been a good idea to bring the kebab along to serve as emergency ballast?
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Er, whisky? Maybe I'll hang on for a while.
Any earplugs going, just in case Bandick's bagpipers arrive?
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Jak… you could always entertain us for an evening demonstrating your accuracy with your favourite spittoon… just love the sound of that ‘ding’ when you score.
urganun... interesting piece on coast tonight ref the old steamer Robin.
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Believe me, Bandick, my rendition of "Red River Valley" on the mouth-organ, bad as it might be, is more akin to music than anything those bagpipers play.
And at least I don't have to dress up in a tartan frock. And strut up and down while playing.
Anyway - please don't let them aboard. I was quite enjoying it here on the good airship 'Laputa'.
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Does a diet of gannets increase hot air production?
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To refresh memories, the balloon is full of hot air - make of that what you will. There will be no clogs, pipers, morris dancers, Irish dancers, or any such nonsense, this is 'heritage' free area. There are no such restrictions on alcohol however, any and every national beverage welcome. No need for a spittoon, adjourn to the balcony, there's a small prize for for hitting anyone on the ground.
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Ferval - I think I'm falling in love with you.
What a bar!!!!
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Hi ferval
Very nice bar.....is there a treduchet? I do like a good fling every so often!
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Right…just finished cleaning up the windows on the lower saloon deck… please gentlemen if you want to follow Captain Fervals invite to spit on those below… do make sure the windows are open… or it spoils the view.
And whoever stuffed gum or some other disgusting substance in the coin box slot for the machine in the gents… dont do that…
Otherwise the place is clean tidy and shipshape and ready for business… anything you like on tap… or teas and coffee served on the upper patio deck… watch the handrails they not quite finished coz we don’t want to lose anyone over the side… happy hour from 11:00-13:00hrs. or nine & half bells until you’re on your back.
Awaiting captains rounds
TheodericaAur… follow the red line on the floor to the upper gun deck and there’s a battery of trebuchets and plenty of practice rounds… are you the gunnery officer…?
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, in reply to message 21.
Posted by an ex-nordmann - it has ceased to exist (U3472955) on Tuesday, 15th March 2011
No, he's the gummery officer. Hence the state of the machine in the gents.
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Well he’s a very naughty boy then…
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"No, he's the gummery officer. Hence the state of the machine in the gents"
Either that or he has forgotten his teeth.
But if the machine in the gents is not functional, how are we going to make decent water bombs for the heads of the unwary down below.
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Bombardier Jak can round up all the bagpipes… if he can catch them… fill em up the same… they’ll make a hell of a drone on the way down…
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, in reply to message 25.
Posted by an ex-nordmann - it has ceased to exist (U3472955) on Tuesday, 15th March 2011
ah ... the casserole effect
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, in reply to message 26.
Posted by somewhatsilly (U14315357) on Tuesday, 15th March 2011
Oh come on, Nordmann, that's a bit extreme. A small expectoration or a water bomb landing on someone's head is mildly entertaining but drowning some innocent by stander in the product of the worst aspects English cuisine, basically sloppy brown gloopy stuff, is going too far. We don't want to be arraigned in the Hague, do we?
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Watch out for Jak Cpt.… he’s wandering around ‘C’ deck with a wistful look on him and playing the love sick blues on his harmonica…
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, in reply to message 27.
Posted by an ex-nordmann - it has ceased to exist (U3472955) on Tuesday, 15th March 2011
The innocence of bystanders ...
The great Myles na gCopaleen once slavishly and tirelessly devoted himself to the unearthing and identifying of such cliched insights into human assumption on behalf of his Irish Times readership. "After all," he intimated, "A cliché is a phrase that has become fossilized, its component words deprived of their intrinsic light and meaning by incessant usage. Thus it appears that clichés reflect somewhat the frequency of the same situations in life. If this be so, a sociological commentary could be compiled from these items of mortified language."
Some of the fruits of his research produced in catechism format:
When things are few, what also are they?
Far between.
What are stocks of fuel doing when they are low?
Running.
How low are they running?
Dangerously.
What does one do with a suggestion?
One throws it out.
For what does one throw a suggestion out?
For what it may be worth.
What else can be thrown out?
A hint.
In addition to hurling a hint on such lateral trajectory, what other not unviolent action can be taken with it?
It can be dropped.
What else is sometimes dropped?
The subject.
In what direction should I shut?
Up.
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Keep it going for a bit nordmann… at least while I look up a few of the words you’ve quoted in the dictionary… oh!... blimey!… just a bit longer!… right!, in any direction you like…
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, in reply to message 30.
Posted by somewhatsilly (U14315357) on Tuesday, 15th March 2011
A hint - can also be taken!
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, in reply to message 31.
Posted by an ex-nordmann - it has ceased to exist (U3472955) on Tuesday, 15th March 2011
As must liberties, though in what direction they are thus led is never adequately explained.
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, in reply to message 32.
Posted by somewhatsilly (U14315357) on Tuesday, 15th March 2011
As can also, why and where is never clear, the p*ss.
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, in reply to message 33.
Posted by an ex-nordmann - it has ceased to exist (U3472955) on Tuesday, 15th March 2011
A reference I understand, which at least means that you now know it has been taken on board.
A Guinness Light for me please.
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, in reply to message 34.
Posted by somewhatsilly (U14315357) on Tuesday, 15th March 2011
Reciprocally!
Enjoy your Guinness, after all, drink can be taken as well.
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"Some of the fruits of his research"
Yes well there are more than enough fruits in the Fruity Emetic Empire to be going on with without bringing anymore in here thankyou.
Can we tie the casserole pot around the kebab's feet and dump the lot overboard?
I need a hefty port please.
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, in reply to message 36.
Posted by somewhatsilly (U14315357) on Tuesday, 15th March 2011
As long as we're over somewhere suitable, don't want to pollute anywhere sensitive.
The other drawback is, would that not leave us a bit short of lifting agent? Maybe we could tow a ancillary basket well behind with a direct connection to - or between - the airbags.
Here, I'm hefting a large port over the bar now.
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Ladies… come on do… yeast, that’ll do the trick. Always makes my bread rise… it’ll do the same here.
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Sorry I got to try this out…
The other drawback is, would that not leave us a bit short of lifting agent? Maybe we could tow a ancillary basket well behind with a direct connection to - or between - the airbagsÌý
Ladies… come on do… yeast, that’ll do the trick. Always makes my bread rise… it’ll do the same here.
fingers crossed... please work.
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, in reply to message 39.
Posted by somewhatsilly (U14315357) on Tuesday, 15th March 2011
So are we now suspended beneath a mighty bloomer? What if someone gets peckish and makes sandwiches?
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No trub look… so long as it’s not smothered in jam or dripping…
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Cease and desist from such Flannery! The problem, given the usual rate of consumption of alcohol by the bar's inebritants is likely to be the drastic reduction in ballast rather than any lack of lift - if it does get low, we could always top up by Mustering a Casserole or two, surely?
BTW - Why was the "buy me and stop one" machine installed in the male heads anyway? Surely as good old scouts we all come prepared?
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Don't suppose any one has seen my teeth? - they just popped out for a bite and then disappeared....
Beautiful set of Trebuchets though, golden in the sunlight, oh that twang of the draw string expanding to it ful length.....the memories..
On a more practical note, did any one remember to bring the gannets from the last bar 'cause we could use them to steer
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, in reply to message 42.
Posted by somewhatsilly (U14315357) on Tuesday, 15th March 2011
Cease and desist from such Flannery! The problem, given the usual rate of consumption of alcohol by the bar's inebritants is likely to be the drastic reduction in ballast rather than any lack of lift - if it does get low, we could always top up by Mustering a Casserole or two, surely?
BTW - Why was the "buy me and stop one" machine installed in the male heads anyway? Surely as good old scouts we all come prepared?
Ìý
You mean the machine that dispenses anti diarrhoea tablets? I'd have thought that was obvious.
As long as the consumers stay aboard, the total weight remains the same and we're fine. Problem only arises when we empty the retaining tanks in the toilets but that could coincide with crossing the Alps.
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They are here - not sure if they can be used in a "parasitic" mode as per the Akron, though.
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"BTW - Why was the "buy me and stop one" machine installed in the male heads anyway? Surely as good old scouts we all come prepared?"
The establishment as an objection to multiplication?
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, in reply to message 46.
Posted by somewhatsilly (U14315357) on Tuesday, 15th March 2011
Since this bar has neither a creche nor breast feeding facilities, it seemed a wise prophylactic.
Ur, I've just sat down and found your teeth.
The gannets are in the attractive NBC proof cupboard, steering is not possible until the meerkat wheel is connected to the propeller. Hurry up, you folk who know so much about engines and transmission systems, let's see you put all that theory to use.
I'm off out for a while, I'll check back before closing to check that bandick has been meticulous in his duties.
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On a more practical note, did any one remember to bring the gannets from the last bar 'cause we could use them to steerÌý
I think Nielsen had a few jars packed into the basket beneath his wheelchair. At least, I hope the jars were full of gannets anyway.
Nah nah nah, I can do quotes too now bandick!
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smartie pants
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Leave my drawers out of it thankyou very much. Cheeky boy.
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