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Posted by U6679583 (U6679583) on Sunday, 22nd November 2009
I'm designing a French Army Knife.
So far, it's got a cork screw, a cigarette lighter, a garlic press and a little hook for undoing bra straps.
Any suggestions for other features?
a bicycle pump...a 1cm tiny machete for chopping frogs legs off.
I hope this helps some.
X
- a hook from which you may dangle strings of onions
- an attachment for getting the snailshells out of bicycle tyres
- for the Simpsons-assisted American stereotyping market - a lever which, when jamming a tank into reverse gear, enables you to eat cheese... (not the view of anyone here, plainly)
I think you're pushing your luck there Tolhurstmeister!
An implement for cleaning grass stains off your hands?
All very helpful. Merci.
I've also added a snail-winkler, a moustache comb, and a device for getting the hooves off horses.
OK - how about a diddy black waterproof magic marker to draw hoops on plain white t-shirts?
You could probably only get one shirt dome with it - but it'd be useful in a clothes crisis.
oops - DONE ..
, in reply to message 8.
Posted by Tinsnail_Racer (U1486682) on Sunday, 22nd November 2009
A small wind-up music box (you know, the things with the drum with pins on it that ping metal fingers) that plays the Marseillaise.
Blood in the furrows and all that.
...cheese knife....mustn't forget the cheese knife....
, in reply to message 10.
Posted by Tinsnail_Racer (U1486682) on Sunday, 22nd November 2009
0.008" feeler gauge (in case the 2CV's valve clearances need adjustment).
One of the side bits could be hollow with a screw cap and contain pastis for use in emergencies.
, in reply to message 11.
Posted by Cyril Benson in Penrith (U2611279) on Sunday, 22nd November 2009
How about a knife blade? Off-the-wall I know, but those British lorries of cheap lamb have to be halted somehow. Once the tyres are down, a lighter will help to torch the thing, and then you're going to need a kebab skewer.
Mascara brush.
And a small button, that when pressed, says "Boff!"
A little tiny extendable white flag
A lighter with lighter fuel to burn a huge pile of imported meat
A chewing gum compartment to jam motorway toll booth barriers open ready for strikes
A perfume compartment for emptying into the screenwash at motorway service stations (this is actually true - I have never smelt screenwash so fragrant as at the Relais des deux Caps...)
A device to dismantle...
I'm concerned that a certain anti-gallic tone is developing.
Be kind. It's not their fault.
Fist, non mal entente.
How about a match you can you can use again and again?
It could be called a rematch.
, in reply to message 19.
Posted by Mike, Wivenhoe (U7622871) on Monday, 23rd November 2009
How about the British Army Knife.
Can be used illegally without fear of recourse. It appears to have all of the features required until you try to use it when you realise that the only function it has is a plaster to put over that severed limb. And it melts in hot weather.
A Britsh army knife would have to have a can opener. In fact, it might consist of *only* can openers. Incorporated into a TV remote control. That's the UK dining experience in a nutshell.
, in reply to message 21.
Posted by Tinsnail_Racer (U1486682) on Monday, 23rd November 2009
And a thing for getting stones out of horses' hooves.
I don't think horses really get stones in their hooves.
And if the do, serves them right for wearing shoes with no soles. Would you wear a shoe that was just a little strip around the edge of your foot? You'd *expect* to get things stuck in/on you, wouldn't you?
No, it's yet another example of horses and their desperate attention seeking. I despise them.
, in reply to message 23.
Posted by Cyril Benson in Penrith (U2611279) on Monday, 23rd November 2009
A very cavalier attitude to horses there.
Wouldn't a Swiss Army Knife be best equipped with a bristle of tiny screwdrivers for mending watches, and a cheesewire? Doesn't the fact that it has neither suggest that the army knife doesn't function as a totem of national identities? Sorry about that, etc.
The Australian Army Knife hides within a protective cork.
The reason the swiss army knife doesn't represent the national character is that switzerland has 4 distinct languages/cultures.
The Swiss German Army knife would contain a sewing kit for putting giant white buttons on black bum-freezer jackets. And a special pipe cleaner for alpenhorns. Whereas, if memory serves me correctly (*), the Genevoise Army Knife would contain nothing but a hash pipe.
(*) how does one tell?
, in reply to message 25.
Posted by Tinsnail_Racer (U1486682) on Monday, 23rd November 2009
Then we get back to the French Army Knife, but by way of the Swiss/French Army Knife.....which is sort of like a French Army Knife except that it's illegal to use it to hang your washing out to dry on a Sunday.
Cigar cutter attachment?
, in reply to message 26.
Posted by SawsickSteve (U14107679) on Monday, 23rd November 2009
I once sent an apprentice out on an errand to buy (amongst other things) a Swiss Navy knife. Told him it was exactly like a Swiss Army knife but coloured blue and with more naval features - like a fish scaler, hook disgorger and sail-cloth needle. Funniest thing was the girl at the store actually enquired about its existence...
There is a Belgian variant - but no one can quite figure out how it functions.
There is a Belgian variant - but no one can quite figure out how it functions.Β
simple, it has two compartments which are incompatible with each other. Everything is labelled twice.
The attachment labelled "miroir/spiegel" is a magic field mirror. Apparently, when used by the EU President, the conversation goes like this:
"Mirror, mirror, in the knife,
Who's most famous Belgian in real life?"
"Van Nisteldonk, your place, it's true
Is at the head of the EU
Yet even I know not your name
Most Famous Belgian's still the same
His name is Tintin - here's the rub;
Like Hercule Poirot, he's made up!"
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