ΒιΆΉΤΌΕΔ

Mark

MINDED TO MERGE – THEY’RE ALL AT IT!

Sir Reg’s less than candid description on Inside Politics of progress on a possible UUP/DUP electoral pact/merger is very much at-odds with my information. A well-placed source informs me that, for some considerable time, the Parties have been engaged in secret talks with the aim of establishing a single Unionist Party. Jim Nicholson, MEP and Jim Shannon, MLA have been leading these discussions, held every Friday morning at either UUP or DUP HQ. Both are fluent Ulster-Scots speakers and all business is being conducted in that language to reduce the risk of leaks from their deliberations.

Messers [sic] Nicholson and Shannon have been examining much more than any future electoral pact. If truth were told, the Parties have been in a virtual merger for some time, working hand in glove on important issues, notably on maximising the draw down from the Heritage Lottery Fund, finding a buyer for Cunningham House (UUP HQ) and solving difficult economic problems. For example, Peter β€œGarden Grabber” Robinson has commissioned them to prepare policy papers to inform his preparation of the 2008 Budget. In fact, at last Friday’s meeting, from which I managed to secure a copy of the minutes, the pair spent some two hours discussing the policy implications of post-classical, neo-endogenous growth theory (described in the minutes by Note Taker Nicholson as β€œwha’ a lode o’ keek”). Specifically, they focused on whether or not an endogenous theory of economic expectations needs to be developed along the lines of the neo-Keynesian model (minuted by Jim N. as β€œwha’ an heven bigar lode o’ keek”). The meeting had to break up early as Jim Nicholson needed to fax his travel expenses forms to the EU Parliament’s claims office by Friday lunchtime.

The above demonstrates that the two Parties have committed their keenest brains to a realignment of Unionism that will result in a new, stronger Party, embracing all strands of Unionist opinion. For Unionism, these developments herald a new dawn.

Speaking of Dawn, intriguingly, I have heard from another well-informed source that other Assembly Parties (Sinn Fein/SDLP/Alliance/PUP) are exploring whether or not to merge into a single Party to counter the threat from the new Unionist Party. The sceptics will sneer that this development is just as far-fetched as the DUP/UUP merger. Not so. Mirroring their approach, the four Parties have nominated their brightest stars to begin intensive discussions at the earliest. It is believed that the nominees and their respective roles are:

PAUL MASKEY, SINN FEIN: to prepare a long-term strategy for the new Party; to organise events to mark the reunification of Ireland in 3016 (not a typo); and to ensure that Gerry Adams’s expert views on Economic issues are taken account of;

DECLAN O’LOAN, SDLP: to annoy Ian Paisley Junior;

STEPHEN FARRY, ALLIANCE: (ok, ok, I don’t know him either) nominated because he is much less irritating than Naomi Long;

DAWN PURVIS, PUP: to provide elegance, fragrance and radiance and to make tea.

Point to note 1: Brian Wilson, Green Party, has been excluded because they consider the environment an irrelevance.

Point to note 2: Dr Kieran Deeny, Independent MLA, has been excluded because he is an irrelevance.

Against this background, I think we can dismiss the possibility of Bertie Ahern seeking to merge Fianna FΓ‘il with the SDLP. In any case, I have just heard that An Taoiseach is retiring from politics shortly to spend more time with the Mahon Tribunal.

Heady times ahead for a political junkie like you, Mark. If I hear any more about the mergers you’ll be the first to know.

Heady times indeed!

Susie
Carryduff