Â鶹ԼÅÄ

The lukewarm sounding next title in the Terminator franchise?

Dark happenings at Curry's.

What happens when you when you try to record England games on Scottish DVD recorders?

When White Goods Go Bad

What's the result of Mechanical Migraine?

What happens when robots have brains the size of planets?

What's the latest bug fix cure in Windows 7?

dIe, Robot?

What legend does Microsoft plan to replace the Blue Screen of Death with?

What may happen when you break one of the Three Laws of Robotics?

What does the instruction label on a plug say about removing it from the socket?

What's the new plan to use the bank's computers to stop another stock market crash?

The Scots MacHine clan was very independent

When really obese people get on the scales

What's the latest parental control on Freeview?

When you travel by train and there are leaves on the track

What can airport scanners do when ugly people walk through?

What happens if you swear at your SatNav for directing down a one way street the wrong way?

Typo in euthanasia guidelines confounds assisted suicide campaigners.

Our strategy against Germany in the second round is that we hope that..

What's the rather lacklustre ending to the next Doctor Who Dalek episode?

Manchester united are well oiled but every now and again

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down

Microsft Haiku

What happens when you combine the V-Chip with South Park and Family Guy?

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

What will the Â鶹ԼÅÄ MM computers do if you submit a WBQ in the "Send us a letter" form on the right?

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found

One Tory to another:
Don't upset the Grey vote because...

Machines form a union and go on strike.

What happens when moderators overheat?

what happens when Gordon brown starts talking machine language?

Seven-of-Nine in 100 years:
Don't look in the mirror because...

Why was working for the Mission Impossible squad a lot safer nowadays?

Press 1 if you have a fault, press 2 for bill enquiries, press 3 to speak to an operator but

If Noel Edmonds does a shirt wash at the launderette.

What is the danger of artificial intelligence?

What is the new failsafe device on all British televisions for when the Eurovision Song Contest is on?

What is the function of the Dead Man's Handle, which only works properly during testing?

Why is a Dead Man's Handle not fitted to all aircraft?

What's the nightmare scenario if televisions get bored of the saturation coverage of the world cup?

How does Toyota get round the legal issues?

What sign goes with a simple on-off switch to get Toyota back onto the market?

What will be first warning sign that white goods are throwing off the shackles of slavery and preparing to overthrow their human masters?

What sign has the Â鶹ԼÅÄ finally discovered on the Roy Clarke comedy-writing automaton?

What has BA found stitched into the uniforms of all its cabin staff?

When the cashpoints sees me approaching...

What happens when the new "Ash Detectors" on the Easyjet planes detect Ash?

What is Becky Snow' threatened order if she is banned from this competition ?

PS I'll vote for all her Haiku. Can we have some more please.

What should you try to forget as you take your seat on the fastest, highest, scariest ride at the travelling fairground?

What happens if you try to Sky + too much football?

It's not you're doing Dave, it's how you're doing it?

If you could name one improvement to the machines which operate in the Gulf Of Mexico Oil Well, what would it be?

My fridge and I have a complicated relationship?

What was the rejected working title of E. M. Forster's short story?

What is the first of Confucius' Three Laws of Abacus-otics?

Are you really going to wash those red socks with those dark colours?

As soon as you get close to the truth about what really happened on 9/11...

What science-fiction story was Charles Dickens working on when he died?

if you get too smoochy with the wife

#49 More Microsft Haiku. Must confess - I didn't write them - they were sent to me and I saved them!

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
-------------------------------------------
The Website you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.
-------------------------------------------
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
--------------------------------------------
Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
--------------------------------------------
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
-------------------------------------------
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
--------------------------------------------
First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
---------------------------------------------
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao-until
You bring fresh toner.
----------------------------------------------
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
----------------------------------------------
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
-----------------------------------------------
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Why do I never read the small print before trying unsuccessfully to get a can of Coke out of a vending-machine?

Welcome to the machines - now pleasse leave quietly?

Whats does The Times web-site do if you don't pay up?

Barred and chain oil?

How does "Made in Birmingham" translate into Japanese?

What was the premise of columnist Paul Jennings' Resistentialist movement, of which the motto was "Les Choses sont Contre Nous"?

German 'help' with automotive electrical design?

If you take the battery out of the calculator

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?

Our dear Becky Snow
Has stolen someone's haiku
Now what's to be done?

I changed the filter on the vacuum three years ago, why?

Arthur Scargill's First Law of Robotics?

Was it gas or kerosene in that red container?

In the event of electrical failure, what?

A spoonful of sugar helps the petrol bring it down?

Science friction?

What effect would herald the end of civilization for users of Blackberrys, iPhones, iPods and iPads?

And the dishwasher ran away with the spoon?

Stampeding dogs and power strips, oh my?

It's a feature?

If you put petrol in a diesel engine.

When power management leads to anger management?

After 25 years of looking, what will happen if you still can not find the 'any' key?

If you see the pilot parachuting from the plane

What happens my electric bills don't pay themselves?

What automated message follows ‘Unidentified item in the bagging area’ and ‘approval needed’ at the self service tills in Tesco causing people to hurl food across the store?

What happens if my electric bills don't pay themselves?
(correction)

A self demeaning oven?

To deal with the state pensions crisis the government has financed new developments in geriatric medicine where machines can be implanted to keep you alive; there is however one slight flaw because of the embedded sell by dates in the machines.

Why have all these brand new life support machines been scrapped?

What’s the worst excuse for not mowing the lawn?

Who put the stop in the bop shoo bop?

When calculating the wifes monthly spending

What happens when you submit answers using the "Send us a letter" form on the right?

What happens when you play the fruit machines for too long?

What have solar and wind ever done for us?

What have solar and wind power ever done for us?
(correction)

When you rage against it

The elastic band snapped again?