Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ

Met Office weatherman faints after getting it right for once

Hey, did anybody get the number of that lawn-mower?

It's the only way I can get any sort of recpetion on my mobile

Dave takes a more relaxed view of the new coalition.

Prime Minister! Prime Minister! What's your opinion on the urgency of European fiscal consolidation given the structural deficits in the EU?

Luckily, Harry's paralysis was only becaus he put both legs down one trouser leg

Little did he realise the sprinklers were about to click on

Luckily, Harry's paralysis was only because he put both legs down one trouser leg

(spelling correction)

Someday my bicycle will come

Somewhere to the left, a shadowy figure crept silently away from the Grassy Knoll.

Luckily, the "Keep off the grass" sign had melted

Bill awoke to find somebody had stolen his tent

Yes, Inspector, his feet are pointing to where the ice cream van was parked.

The poor park-keeper had been grassassinated

"Sleeping in the afternoon is like drinking a bottle of whisky in the afternoon - just don't do it."

Later, the hijacked ice-cream van was found outside St. Trinian's

That's the last time I buy a second hand parachute without getting it checked first!

Meanwhile back at the office, the buzz was that the cover was missing from Steve's TPS report.

Nick Clegg was the first casualty in the notorious Downing Street Mob Wars

CAUTION

Heavy Plant

Keep on the grass

I think it was Professor Plum, with the lead pipe in the garden?

The grass stains would betray him at the water cooler later on

One minute he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, next he knew it was gone.

Birds and the bees, check. Laid on my back, check. I have relaxed, check......so why cant I feel the earth moving yet????

Man spends lunch hour pretending he's Gulliver and the daisies are citizens of Lilliput.

The Daisy Chain Gang claims its first victim

Drive-by snoozing

Rob was mowing away nicely when all of a sudden he hit reverse.

Surrender in the grass

David Blaine comes to London to attempt the world record for keeping ferrets down one's trousers

After pigeons in St. James' Park adopt a scattergun approach, they claim their first victim

There was one more survivor of Oceanic Flight 815....Lost - The sequel

As Frank dozed away the afternoon he already knew he was going to charge the time to 3 separate clients for their year end audits.

Where's my skipping rope gone.

The boss will crucify you when he finds out you're gone

Protester is stunned when the Government goes ahead with building the M19, but with a revised width

Does poison ivy have three leaves or five?

I'm not going back to the office until I've managed to work out what actually happened in 'Ashes to Ashes'

London mobbers take out a notorious grass

70, 80, Phew, wot a scorcher!

You were supposed to catch me not take a picture

If they're lying down, Mummy, does that mean it's going to rain?

He really was PARKed and LEISUREd

Derren Brown causes mischief on his morning run.

Z feared he would be the next to suffer at the hands of the Alphabet Murderer

He'd taken the usual precautions - water, sunscreen, insect repellent, but he had quite forgotten how not to be seen...

David Cameron was having problems with his new pair of One-Legged trousers.

After ex-PM Gordon gets a newspaper job, he announces "I'm Brown from the Sun"

Channel 5 announces a new series, "When Squirrels Go Bad"

Dave's grass angel was rubbish

Thrown from the golf cart after missing that crucial last shot, he lay there wondering if he would ever see his golf clubs again.

Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ1 starts filming a new series in which Dixon of Dock Green wakes up in twenty-first century London in "The Laughing Gnome"

Maybe a Ferrari engine in a lawn-mower wasn't such a good idea ...

After a day strap-hanging on the Underground, Dave just had to have a rest

"Surfing the Turf."

David Cameron's trust exercise on the Coalition team building day ends in disaster.

Hyde Park's more violent alter ego became apparent after it changed into Jekyll Park

When he woke the first thing he noticed was that someone had nicked his jacket, laptop and iPod.

Retreats, snoozes and leaves

New Olympic Isometric bars champion discovered, just needs practice on the dismount

Hmm, thought Harry, maybe it was a fire-engine and not an ice-cream van ...

Young man, pick yourself off the ground, I said young man...

Steve had been targeted by Ninja Squirrels again.

Derek just wasn't very good at the old "Stop Me and Buy One"

There again, that steam-roller had been very quiet ...

Derek's vertigo was definitely getting worse

David was sticking by his pledge to get back to grass roots politics.

M, C and A were always late whatever the weather

Out for the pollen count.

Like the grass, Kevin was half-cut

What was THAT I saw?

Robert decided to make the most of the sunshine before Eyjafjallajokull noticed and decided to do something about it.

"Earlier this week, the mercury shot right up" - yes, right up his nose and killed him...

Mr Y WLTM Miss X. GSOH required

Gene Hunt was worried about his colleagues - all he could see was the sky and some stars

Well, the seed packet had said 'Sweet Williams'

Snipers took advantage of Cameron's cutbacks on ministerial cars.

Feeling hot hot hot

This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the house rules. Explain.

Parachuting businessman realises that he forgot something to put something on just before exiting from the aeroplane

Lost: the unused ending

Long after the music stopped and all the festival goers had gone, they realised he was not in the back seat after all.

Fleeing burglar realises he hasn't two legs to stand on...

Tomorrow he vowed to do better, he definitely would make it to three sit ups.

[spoiler alert]

Dejected LOST fan feels the need to reenact the final scene of the series.

There were swingeing cuts to implement, a cross-party government to manage, lower and middle income earners to look after, goddamnit even a whole constitution to reform, but Nick had got what he wanted and frankly, could no longer be arsed.

Rain he could have talked about, but with good weather and no picnic basket, he just fell silent and she left.

Jim felt that sunbathing fully reduced his chance of getting skin cancer

"Ricky Martin's gay????"

Brown's cabinet - where are they now?

"Hmmmmm" thought Bob. "The Kids were right after all - Grass really does help you to relax."

George's wife was in for one heck of a fine for littering ........

"At least I won't have to worry about leaving a cake out in the rain," he mused.

The designer of the new Routemaster bus is found and swiftly dealt with

A council worker building up his flexi time

Maybe Derek should try and find someone easier to mug than little old ladies

Sad discovery in case of missing "Snow Angel" competition finallist

getting down to grass roots

This Japanese knotweed doesn't half grow fast thought Harry as he sunbathed on his penthouse roof