Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ

Twist and shout, argh....

And, when this little lot clears, all we've have left will be thousands of potholes

Her new diet regime appeared to produce helium rather than the methane that was expected.

Maybe we should move the Notting Hill Carnival to the Summer ...

Maxim was soon to be renamed Trunkoff

Maria was later disqualified when it was found out that she was probably just a model.

Revolutionary, Comrade

Maria was only able to perform this manoeuvre by having a jet stream coming out of the back of her head

When we said we wanted a couple of white Russian on the rocks...

When we said we wanted a couple of white Russians on the rocks...
(correction)

On me 'ead son!

Maria's performance was later described as "disarming"

Maxim, what do you mean 'Oops!'?

Edvard Munch's recently discovered masterpiece "Ice Scream"

Topsy Torville

Maxim suddenly finds himself wondering what shade of pink that really is.

This isn't the time to tell me how big the fish was!

How do you spin a problem like Maria?

Awful and Dean

What do you mean my bum does look big, no it doesn't, yes it does, no it doesn't?

Not Bolero, Bellarusse actually.

Higher, I nearly got a signal then.

It's reigning, then...

They skate to the bronze medal? That's third plaice then.

Russian? She's not a Lapp dancer then.

I can see my house from here!

Old 'Butter Fingers' Trankov's reputation went before him

Vernon Kay and Tess Daly appear on 'Celebrity Dancing on Ice'

Doctor Mukhortova liked to carry out her appendectomies with a certain style

Ivanu Tucachmy and her partner

Reign o'er me

Black (Ice) Maria

Young Maxim should have been at school, but was playing Ice Hookey

Unfortunately for Maria and Maxim, the local Council had just gritted the rink

If this was part of the free programme what did they have to do when they started charging?

Yes, it's definitely getting warmer in here.

Roundhouse Kicks on Ice.

One question had been bothering him. What the hell was a zamboni and why was she banging on about it?

When Maria first saw Maxim,
She thought "Now he looks nice."
Unfortunately for the two of them,
It was she who broke the ice.

Realisation dawned that Roadrunner was now behind her, safely on the edge of the cliff.

They had spent the summer practicing in Wiltshire crop fields

"Maxim can be so cold," she thought.

Oh, hang on a sec, I've got something in my eye

Mukhortova and Trankov have demonstrated tonight's compulsory element... now its the turn of the celebrities.

Although the critics slated the lack of a tortoise costume, the re-enactment of "Aeschylus on Ice" met rapturous applause when the sudden and messy final act had finished....

Not the right time to suffer the first bout of motion sickness.

Maria was dissapointed when, on her third rotation, her catcher Maxim suddenly disappeared...

"Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly"

From Russia Above

Maria didn't need an orchestra, as she had Ravel's Bolero on her IcePod

Think bear hugs, thought Maxim

Jayne was beginning to regret coming back for the 2010 Olympics...

But Maria and Maxim were as well-known in Britain as the so-called celebrities we get on 'Dancing on Ice'

But even Maria didn't have enough spin to keep Gordon Brown in Number Ten

Takeoff, rotation, landing...takeoff, rotation, landing...takeoff, God she looks hot, oh no!

Maria and Maxim liked to relax by watching the Russian version of Ricky Gervais' comedy, "The Off-Ice"

Gladys - You have tucked your skirt into your bloomers again

A new alternative energy source - spinning ice dancer dynamo.

Catcher in the Oh my!

Maria was very modest - in fact, she was known as Skate Humble

Doreen we can't keep meeting like this, my wife is starting to suspect.

Svetlana was unimpressed at the lengths David Copperfield jnr would go to look up her skirt

Maria grinned to herself as she imagined all those Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ fans trying to make a pun out of Mukhortova

It was at this moment Maria regretted having beans on toast before the performance.

Poor Maxim had no idea that the punch was coming.

When he said, "Fancy coming for a short spin?", she certainly hadn't expected THIS

Okay, so what do you say? Let's try an Iron Lotus!

The names's Trankov; Maxim Trankov . . . and I like them shaken, not stirred.

In the ice damsing (typo) - Russia obviously have a reservoir of talent !

Looking from this angle, Maria would always wonder if Maxim HAD been wearing a bra that day

She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she . . .

Go on then : heads, or tails?

Maria had only been selected because she was a close personal friend of the Disneys - yes, the skater's Walt's

Maria was a keen supporter of Sheffield United

Unfortunately it was at that precise moment he suddenly had a burning urge to calculate pi..

If they only got the bronze, what did the gold medallists do - create a bust of Lenin in ice at the same time?

The magic had gone so he chucked her.

The rink has now been closed down for health and safety reasons

Here Max there was no need to rip my skirt off when you tossed me into the air. I'm cold enough.

Maria and Maxim were a little unnerved when they were told Harry Hill had agreed to do the commentary

...and that's how I got the chip on my shoulder.

In a bid to make ice-skating more popular with youngsters, the Estonian Government had renamed the centre the iSrink

Fish and chips for tea, Maxim? Yes, I fancy a nice bit of plaice.

That day, Maria and Maxim decided to get married - yes, it was an engagement rink

Ice rink considers installing a 'no bombing' sign.

nOW that's how to give him the 'cold shoulder'

"I Wish I Could Fly" by Keith Harris and Torvill

The whole act was becoming so perfunctory, Maxim was beginning to get skate-bored

Russians unveil new Top Secret gyrocopter

Maria was just about to cut Maxim out of her act

6.0, 5.9, 5.7, 5.7. 5.8, 5.7, 5.6, 5.7, 5.9

What a mouthful of helium can do : example 2

Mind that bit, Maria - it's slippery

It was very slippery there, so Maxim gritted his teeth

Maxim was a little worried about the blade of Maria's skate, which was dangerously close to chopping off his arm.

As Maria launched her trademark "twirling elbow smash" move, Maxim truly wondered why he'd signed up to Wrestling on Ice.

Maria and Maxim are currently starring in "Red Riding Hood on Ice" at the Kremlin Playhouse

Maxim's day job is as a Skate-border Guard

Don't worry - we'll use computer graphics to add all the little penguins for the Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ ident

Maria had been very worried about hitting her face on the ice, so she'd protected herself with four-inch-thick make-up