Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ

She's got a real Chippendale on her shoulder.

I can hear the sea

No, Dear, the audience are yelling "Chcuk the diva," not the divan

The concert was going well. "Sofa so good," she thought.

We should never have asked Taylor Swift to take a seat

Next time, put in Miss Swift's contract that all furniture must be screwed down

The Royal Horticultural Society had advertised an appearance by Percy Thrower, not "A Seat Thrower"

When asking for a D-I-V-O-R-C-E doesn't work...

Poor Taylor had noticed that one of her fans had been forced to stand

Stand by your man

Due to an unfortunate mishearing, Nashville found itself hosting the first international chair guitar competition.

Taylor Swift spots Kanye West in the audience

She heard that Kanye West was in the audience

ianihaf - great minds, eh?

Jedward! Get off my stage!

Taylor Swift takes revenge on the audience for throwing a plastic glass at her hero, Morrissey

She'd been asleep on the sofa when glue ear struck...

I Will Always Love You - The Sequel.

Taylor Swift takes pity on the Promenaders

Who says shoulder pads aren't in?

And tonight's event is sponsored by Pickfords.

Jerry Springer goes a little bit country

"Get this thing off my chessboard, "sreamed a furious Taylor Swift

The new retro Nokia 50FA was designed in milimetres and created in feet and inches - another "right-sourcing" success story!

"Get this thing off my chessboard," screamed a furious Taylor Swift

(sorry)

Channelling your inner Townshend

Poor Taylor misunderstood when her promoter suggested she sing a trio of songs in a three-piece suite

Taylor Swift spots Kanye West in the audience.

strictly musical chairs is looking for talent!

Taylor Swift got so upset when she couldn't complete her crossword puzzle

It was the last time he would ask a World Wide Wrestling groupie for a lap dance

And this is for poor Morrissey ...

John Sergeant and Kristina Rihanoff dance the Chair, chair, chair

...the cast were asked to do three cheers for the audience...

So, before my first song, folks, just a bit of Feng Shui

Ikea - the opera

I told you you should have gone privately for your hearing-aid

Taylor had learnt to sign whilst supporting her local football team as a chairleader

Rhiannon Weston, I presume

Kanye West: "Taylor, I'ma let you finish but Ikea has the best chairs for carrying - it's in my new song Flat Pack Gangsta".

Taylor was enraged to discover it was the one day of the year when her local branch of DFS didn't have a sale on

Chubby Chucker Twists Again

..the DFS "bring and buy" promotion started slowly...

Cindy had always been something of an armchair critic.

Cat woman killed by falling chair..

Simon Cowell's last moment

"And this ones for my Mum........"

Off to Ascot, are we, Taylor?

Standing beside the last chequered flag of the season, she wondered if she was the right size to be the next Mrs Ecclestone

If Nicky Clarke did Chair-dressing...

So, what makes you think Linda Barker has been dropped by DFS?

... and that's how she ended up with a redneck

D-F-S-O-R-C-E

The Checks Factor

'I strictly asked for a Country and Western chair not a Rocking one!!'

Poor Taylor misunderstood the audience and thought they wanted some "Comfy to rest on" music

Walk The Linoleum

By the time she got to the end of "This Ole House" Taylor was veritably pooped!

Show me the moneeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy

The biggest cheer of the evening was when Taylor said, "Oi Cowell. Stuff this in yer gob and then SHUT IT"

"Famous country singer.... three words... must be June Cart-a Couch."

The Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ Magazine Monitor caption competition is getting in a rut - Sofus last week, sofas this week

La-Z Boy unveil their new Ang-Ree Girl chair

Budget airlines introduce new seating restrictions as passengers seats count as carry-on

There's no velcro on this chair, damn it!! How the hell am I going to get it to stick to the board? Aaaaahhhhhhh Where's my manager? Someone get Willie out here NOW!!!

Taylor Swift, The Divan Diva

Taylor was only able to relax when she'd torn her epaulettes off

When they told her she'd find her fortune on the stage, she didn't expect it to be down the back of the sofa.

Like the chair, Taylor was clearly legless

' Who said that? My bum is not too big for the chair.'

The fans who'd paid extra to sit right at the front hoped Taylor was stronger than she looked

I am NOT Taylor Swift, y'all!

Alice in Chairs.

"And here we go again! Well I've had enough! Everytime we play I'm always the last to to move and take the wait off my feet. The pawns take so long to get going, and even the knights are jumping about everywhere, but the rest of us on the back row are just stuck. Well I'm the Queen and I'm saying enough is enough! Hasn't anyone ever heard of DVT?!"

"And then my Daddy left me,
and Billy Rae got wed,
My dawg got struck by lightning,
And a chair grew on my head...."

SCS? DFS? Taylor just got so confused.

Stand By Your Ottoman

Taylor misunderstood when she thought her agent suggested her voice needed a little couching

Honey do I look fat in this?

It was all going swimmingly, until Billy Bob showed up from her days of playing behind chicken wire to the sound of smashing beer bottles

You fools! I meant I wanted some up-holstery for my up-gun

Taylor Swift makes her acting debut in Armchair Theatre

When her agent suggested she take a rest, he didn't mean an armrest

And then the music stopped

Well, after all, this is Nashville, Ten Settee

NO - I said put a throw over the settee.

No, I said to flatter the audience, not flatten them

Upholster's Daughter

"Well, ah was born a Knoll minder's daughter..."

Upholsterer's Daughter

(correction)

A rocker throws a rocker - actually, she's clearly off hers

Cowell puts another decision back on the audience

A lesson learned the hard way, never upset the roadies.

...and when the music stops everyone has to sit down in a chair.

Chairwoman of the Bored

No! We said it was an AIR guitar competition!

I meant a song, Darling, when I said to end the show by hitting them with a rocker

Taylor's agent had suggested rounding off the show by playing the sitar, not the sitter

Boris Spassky's riders were growing ever more specific.

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