Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. Gordon Brown gave up a Β£2m pension on his first day in office

2. At peak times, 32,000 pedestrians cross Oxford Circus junction in one hour.

3. Lyrics from Jon Bon Jovi's new album are framed and hanging up in the White House.

4. Journalists visiting Sesame Street are banned from asking Bert and Ernie if they are gay.

5. The Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ rejected Sesame Street in 1971 because it was "too authoritarian".

6. Elmo's favourite food is wasabi .

7. Tall men can have small parents.

8. Part-time veggies are called flexitarians.

9. A missing child must usually have been missing for at least two years to warrant an age progression image.

10. French babies cry with an accent.

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Alan Chesterman for this week's picture of 10 gold rings.

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Welcome to the Weekly Bonus Question.

Each week the news quiz will offer an answer. You are invited to suggest what the question might have been.

Suggestions should be sent using the COMMENTS BOX IN THIS ENTRY. And since nobody likes a smart alec, kudos will be deducted for predictability in your suggestions.

This week's answer is UNCANNY VALLEY. But what's the question?

UPDATE 1609 BST: The correct question is what is the name for the disquiet caused by synthetic people which almost, but not quite, match human expressiveness.
()

Of your wilfully and deliberately wrong questions, we liked:

• How best describes the Rhondda now that the last tin manufacturer closed
• An Area of Outstanding Supernatural Beauty
• Where do Charlton Telepathic play?
• Where are all tin-openers manufactured?

Thanks to all who entered.

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As a child of the 80s/90s, I clearly remember my parents banning any form of 'accent' on television. , Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles... even Eastenders. Though distraught at the time, I'm glad that they did. My job involves working with children on a regular basis, and I notice that some of them have distinct American twangs to their voices, particularly the girls, due to the influences of Hannah Montana and the High School Musicals. Rant over.
Caroline Wallis, via Facebook

Re . "One wonders if there are any fans now who refer to it as Ashburton Grove." Yes, there are quite a few fans who refer to the E** as Ashburton Grove.
Edd, Cardiff

Yes, there are still people who call it .
Ian C, Kent

Michael (Thursday's letters), only if it sells .
Jim O'Connor, Winchester

She blamed it all on a , I see...
Graham, Frome

Thank you for this week's Friday bear story. Can we have another one next week too?
Dr Toes, Carharrack

If this is a fish: > (Thursday's letters), then this: >, is a fsh! It's got no "i"!
Ahahahahaha... Er. I'll get me oilskins.
James, Stockport

To Angela (Thursday's letters), this is a mouse ~~( )8>
Emily Parry, Portsmouth

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Winning entries in the Caption Competition.

The competition is now closed.

This week it's Sofus the Harbour Seal from the Blue Reef Aquarium in Tynemouth. He's having his gnashers cleaned in preparation for an operation to have one of his front teeth removed because it has broken.

Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:
6. nick-fowler
"Well, I just can't see what attracted Heidi Klum to him."

5. MrSnoozy
"New novelty glove range proves less popular than anticipated..."

4. bampot-bob
"Is it safe?"

3. SimonRooke
"He's never been the same since David Attenborough did that three minutes to camera next to him."

2. jtotheglo
"Danny's work experience position wasn't quite as fun as the poster made out."

1. SeanieSmith
"Springwatch USA."

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Some Friday punning fun with a collection of good and bad headlines from the tabs:

"IT'S PEACE IN OUR CHRISTMAS TIME" - postal strikes truce (Mirror)

"AN INSPECTRE CALLS" - police investigating a murder acted on the advice of a mystic (Mirror)

"CHEQUES FACTOR" - professional singers pay thousands to appear on the X Factor (Mirror)

"MERRY CHRISLESS" - price wars at the supermarkets (Sun)

"BOT A ROTTER" - Conservative MP Sir Nicholas Winterton says he may have slapped a woman's bottom (Mirror)

The Sun also reported on the Winterton story and referred to a "girl MP", Natascha Engel. At what age does a girl become a woman? Ms Engel is 42.

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"Wow, 20 years huh?... I'm not responsible for the Wall coming down" - David Hasselhoff finally admits he did not cause the fall of the Berlin Wall.

It is one of the great canards of European modern history/bad popular music (). Now the Hoff has finally laid it to rest. He magnanimously added: "The East Germans are responsible for the Wall coming down... because they believe in freedom."

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To Liam, Northampton (Wednesday's letters), steam engines where used to power machinery (pumping water out of mines, operating the machines in cotton mills), before the invention of the steam train. I'll get me coat.
Martin, Manchester, Lancashire

Liam (Wednesday's letters), it took over a century of development to get from the first stationary steam engines to the point where they could be made powerful and light enough to be used for locomotion.
Tim, London

The CIA's favourite sport?
Rahere, Smithfield

So, after the Wicker Man, it's the
Rob, Wales

I believe it's traditional in most cultures for people to turn up at their . The only thing that made this story remarkable, but that wasn't mentioned in the headline, was that the individual was still alive.
Bob Peters, Leeds, UK

They're reopening a cafe on the ground floor of the building where I work. Does this mean that the recession is over?
Michael Hall, Croydon, UK

Okay I'm a little behind the times here (been busy, went out for lunch etc) but I'd just like to thank Fi (Wednesday's letters) for spelling her evil laugh with a "B". I have had looong discussions with a colleague who maintains it begins with an "M". But it doesn't. "Mwah ha ha" is someone laughing after they've air-kissed you.
Kaylie, Runcorn, UK

This is a fish >.
Angelina Williams

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

After a silence of almost two years, Paper Monitor warmly welcomes the return of the Financial Times' foremost corporate leader/strategist/member of the Jargonista, .

For the uninitiated, Lukes is the fictional author of a satirical column, relayed in e-mail and blog format. His conduit, if you like, is the real life FT columnist and strand, Lucy Kellaway.

A chief executive who wouldn't tend to underplay his significance in the world of big business, while being a little too eager to sidestep any blame when things go wrong, Lukes departed the FT's pages almost two years ago.

His silence was enforced - the consequence of him being extradited to the US and "wrongly" banged up for some corporate misdemeanour or other, a la Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling.

But now he is back, rubbing shoulders with Conrad Black in the prison refectory and e-mailing from behind the cell walls (and an FT.com pay wall.) In a Jonathan Aitken style turn of events, he has also found God.

Irrepressible as ever, Lukes is employing wife Sherill on the outside to post updates on his new blog, entitled ?InsideOut!β„Ά (Tags: God, our Lord, innocent.)

His missives are now littered with - characteristically crass - Biblical citations - "'Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might - Ecclesiastes 9:10'" he advises Sherill.

And the man behind the Creovativeβ„Ά philosophy has yet to repent his old ways.

"'I am kick starting with the Word,'" he begins his first blog post. "Our Lord was the ultimate Creovative role model..."

Away from the FT, the Times is adding to its stable of supplements with a new science glossy, called Eureka, which appears to be monthly. (Today is issue two.)

It's an ambitious looking (read: expensive) venture - 60 pages thick, with the likes of Bill Bryson leading the by-line charge.

As ever, Paper Monitor welcomes all efforts to further the cause of the newsprinted word. So good luck Eureka (and thanks for not putting an exclamation mark at the end.)

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"What were we to do? We went ahead with the funeral" - Rosa Sampaio, whose uncle turned up at his own funeral

A Brazilian man's relatives were shocked when he turned up at his own funeral. They had wrongly identified him as a car crash victim. He'd actually spent the night drinking rum with friends.

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Re the , are Stevenson's Rocket and the steam engine not essentially the same thing?
Liam, Northampton

The that can be bought in advance for Β£561 seems an excellent example of a situation where one would advertise to all their associates how much they had saved, while still paying what seems to be an extortionate amount, perhaps even better than .
James O, Oxford

Well done Steve Hill for your ecological thinking (Tuesday letters). Why use up fresh electrons on a new web-based news story when we can recycle the old ones. And it's far more interesting than some of the recent stories.
P.S. are you really in the Women's Institute?
Ralph, Cumbria

Steve (Tuesday letters) - let it lie. Think of the Kids.
Lee Pike, Auckland, New Zealand

Kat (Tuesday letters), I initially agreed, and then went on to find my own moment . May I suggest "Anticiphany"?
Bas, London

I was so intrigued by the idea of a soup plot until I realised that I'd misread .
Adam, London, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Forgive Paper Monitor. When you have so many publications to read telling them apart becomes difficult. Such is the case with the Independent which risks confusing itself with the Daily Mail. The homecoming of the mercenary Simon Mann who was jailed in Africa for plotting a coup is its page 3 lead. But rather than focusing on the intricacies of Mann's exploits which landed him in a prison cell in Equatorial Guinea, the paper "Last night he was on his way back to his Β£5m British country residence via a five-star hotel." Mann also stood to gain "Β£9m if the coup succeeded." And, after touching down on board a "private jet" he will face a barrage of questions.

The Times by comparison treats the story with the awe of a boy-scout revelling in the adventures of his daring hero. It explores the "names in the frame" of the Wonga Coup and delves into the conspiracy theories behind their exploits.

"For years a motley collection of adventurers, arm dealers, sanction busters, diamond smugglers and fighters traded on the continent's unfailing supply of civil wars, coups and counter coups. Their adventure has finally ended."

However, it can't resist pointing out that Mann stands to make a "splodge of wonga" from his astounding story. Nice pun guys.

It's not been easy trying to ignore the rise of TV hate objects Jedward, but coverage in recent days has reached such a feverish pitch that it's now officially impossible. Over at the Daily Star, it's a case of too much information as the paper delves into the Apparently, twins John and Edward Grimes have a bombshell sex secret: The "Only squeeze they get is hair gel tube" reveals the headline (if you can call that a revelation.) It's not much of a secret to their "friends" back home in the Dublin suburb of Lucan. One kindly soul said: "Some people around here see them as village idiots."

The Jedward Factor also hits page 7 of the Daily Mirror whose 3am girls followed the Addams Family-a-like collection of X-Factor finalists to a film premiere. Rather than seeking the twins' sex secrets, or lack thereof, they were after the key to their gravity-defying hair-dos. Despite their herculean efforts at the sharp end of investigative journalism, the 3ams didn't get far, the twins giving little away. "This attention is crazy. We're loving every minute. We've even got people copying our hair. Can you believe it." Rhetorical surely.

And, what a difference a week makes. It's back to the biggest poppy debate. Last time we checked only two papers had pinned a red flower to its masthead - the Sun and the Daily Star. Now, the Daily Telegraph, The Times, the Daily Mail and the Independent are proudly displaying their foliage. There are two frontrunners for the coveted award of most sizeable masthead poppy: the Telegraph and the Mail, both of which could be mistaken for "actual-size" renditions. At the other end of the scale is the Times, which, calculated in accordance with Paper Monitor's unique SI unit for masthead poppy measurement is... about the size of the now defunct half-penny piece.

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"I went to sleep as Rihanna and woke up as Britney Spears" - Pop star Rihanna breaks her silence over her assault by ex-boyfriend Chris Brown

The singer has spoken for the first time about how leaked snaps of her beaten face became the focus of worldwide media after she was assaulted by R&B star Chris Brown. She wants to become an unofficial spokesperson for domestic violence victims.

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A celebration of the riches of the web.

Today in Web Monitor: feedback phobia, the "me" brand and a sticky subject.

• Avid Tweeter and comedian that the age of instant feedback is a bit of a shock:

"Time was all you had to do was avoid the reviews and the odd tactless yawn in the audience but now everyone's a critic. Every YouTube clip you're in, every blog or article that's posted online leaves space for comments. And Web 2.0 is not shy about telling you what it thinks. Unfortunately for some of us, the Ego 2.0 upgrades haven't quite come in yet."

• Incidentally, when linking to his article, he gave it the hashtag #shamelessselfpromotion. So where did all this self promotion come from? the rise of selling yourself like you'd sell a product to decades before Twitter. He sees the increase in marketing speech in normal language as coinciding with people seeing themselves as a brand:

"First 'markets' - target and niche, up and down - crept into everyday conversation. I knew something had changed in Britain when I met a Church of England clergyman at a 1980s dinner party and he described his Belgravia flock as 'rather upmarket'. Then 'segmentation' and 'demographics' emigrated out of -ology country and into the suburbs, soon followed by those exciting intangibles, 'image' and 'spin'... The enormous growth of PR - a business with few barriers to entry - made it a first-choice career for all kinds of people, from seasoned marketeers to confident, well-networked Sloane girls. Soon practically everyone you met seemed to be working in PR. And once they had PR-ed everything - from hospital trusts to pressure groups, museums to art galleries, government departments to, soon enough, entire countries - the idea of a little light self-promotion seemed increasingly obvious."

• Yesterday's Web Monitor shone a light on the extremely-detailed blog. The writer of said blog, James Ward, is not just obsessed with where and how chocolate bars are sold in his area. He's also got a thing for Blu-Tack. He's been in contact with the company about it's claim that there are "1000s of uses" for the product. He has published his correspondence with the company - which claims one of the uses is as earplugs. However, Ward wonders how the fight is affecting his personal life:

"I just want some indication that it is true to say that Blu-Tack has '1000s of uses'. Not 'lots', not 'many'. '1000s'. They say on the packaging it has '1000s of uses', show me it has '1000s of uses'... I went to a course at work this week. At the start, there was one of those 'ice-breaker' activities where you have to tell everyone your name, explain your role and responsibilities and share one interesting fact about yourself. I hate these things. There are very few interesting facts about me. Under pressure, I said that the interesting fact about me is that I'm currently embroiled in a dispute with Bostik over the accuracy of their claim that Blu-Tack has "1000s of uses". When I said this, everyone laughed, but I'll be honest with you; I think they might have been laughing at me rather than with me."

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"While cheerfulness fosters creativity, gloominess breeds attentiveness and careful thinking" (). As someone who works in a creative industry where attention to detail is important, I'm wondering how I can find a middle ground here... would indifference do it?
Sue, London

Astute readers (and watchers) of the story will notice that the "cymbal" struck by Boris Johnson is in fact a tam-tam. This is not to be confused with a gong, which, as we all know, has a raised boss or nipple and is tuned to a specific pitch.
Sarah, Oxon

I was at a course yesterday which involved some discussion of psychological problems in society and how we view them, and who should show up on screen but Drunk Girl to illustrate addiction (Paper Monitors and Letters passem).
Alex K, Bath

Does anyone know an expression for the emotional rollercoaster you experience when your interest is piqued upon seeing an awesome headline, followed by the disappointment of realising it can't possibly live up to your expectations as you click on it, succeeded by the euphoria of it being than you had initially imagined?
Kat Gregg, Coventry

It is indeed confusing, bx19 (Monday letters). As an English teacher I tell my students that "up to" suggests any number from (in this case) 1 to 70,000, whereas "as many as" suggests an estimate close to 70,000. A perfect example, I feel, of how statistics can be manipulated to mean whatever you want them to mean.
Dick Savage, Plzen, Czech Republic

Jan (Monday letters), a friend in London tells me it's gotten rather cold there. If you were a strawberry, would you grow in this weather?
Nadja, north of Boston, US

Julie - I always blame mine on the cat too. Good try, but I'm on to you...
D Trump, Liverpool, UK

Julie, my brother's cat often startles itself with the noises it produces.
Basil Long, Nottingham

Could you post a link to the story? I'm trying to get it back into the Most Read Top 10 again. Cheers in advance.
Steve Hill, Milwaukee, WI, US
Monitor note: OK, keep an eye out... and may .

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A belated - sorry! - service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

It's been a while since the Daily Express had a Madeleine McCann cover.

But with the release of two age-adjusted photos showing the missing girl as she may look at six-and-a-half, the Express devotes much of page one to a then and now picture spread.

"MADDIE We believe she is alive. Help us to bring her home" runs its headline, using a quote from her parents (who, incidentally, call her Madeleine and never Maddie). But the paper is back on-message in its page five headline and article:

"Tanned and smiling... a new image of Madeleine revealed in fresh appeal.
Experts in the US have produced the two haunting pictures of how Madeleine would look now."

Incidentally - again - on the Express's overly heavy website, Madeleine stories have the usual "have your say" request for comments disabled.

In 2007, the Express reported a similar move on the Leicester Mercury newspaper's message boards in rather hysterical terms: "NOW HER PARENTS FACE HATE CAMPAIGN - Madeleine's home town turns against her parents".

But there's no more of that sort of thing, since that round of apologies last year (Paper Monitor, March 07).

Even for the Express, things have been rather quiet when it comes to Madeleine developments.

The LexisNexis newspaper database shows the last time it touched on the case was 20 October, in which she is mentioned during an interview with a psychic who "helped police solve the murders of Holly and Jessica". So, what's his take on Madeleine's disappearance?

"I would be keen to be involved," he said. "But it's completely against my principles to do anything of the sort without being expressly asked to do so by the parents."

Any hopes of a scoop dashed then.

And the second most recent Madeleine story from the Express stables was on Sunday, 18 October, on how the Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ Secretary was poised to ask US spy chiefs for satellite images of Praia da Luz at the time the little girl vanished in May 2007.

"The quality of pictures taken by satellites in space is now so good they can reputedly identify the colour of someone's eyes."

No further news on that particular angle yet.

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"I don't know what the buns would be in bra sizes but we've gone four sizes up" - Producer of Calendar Girls stage show on enlarging Kelly Brook's buns

A publicity shot of Kelly Brook holding iced buns over her breasts was vetoed by Transport for London because the bakery goods were judged too small. The client grudgingly took remedial action.

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A celebration of the riches of the web.

Today in Web Monitor: the easiest audition, a dog's dinner and extreme-niche blogging.

• Jerry Springer has had a long and varied career from Cincinnati mayor to West End performer via host of The Jerry Springer Show, airing a rich array of people's problems. But on Radio 4's Desert Island Discs Springer says it's all down to luck. This may sound modest until how you hear he was cast as Billy Flynn in the musical Chicago:

"It's the first time I've ever been on stage in a play. I mean most people were in plays in high school. So here I am at 65, and they say 'we want you to be in this musical' and I'm not a professional singer or dancer. I figure if they were crazy enough to ask me, then I've got to have at least the guts to say yes. I think they may have been drinking at the time. But they never bothered to figure out if I could sing. Everybody working on the show thought someone else had asked me to sing."

• Dog seems to be on the menu at the moment. "Guilty owner of a medium-sized dog" that dog owners should feel just as culpable for their carbon footprint as SUV drivers. When considering the manufacturing of pet food, a German Shepherd's ecological paw-print is 1.1 hectares. Meanwhile, at what he calls a modest proposal for tossing Fido in the oven:

"Unlike all farmed meat, which requires the creation and maintenance of animals, dogs are practically begging to be eaten. Three to four million dogs and cats are euthanized annually. The simple disposal of these euthanized dogs is an enormous ecological and economic problem. But eating those strays, those runaways, those not-quite-cute-enough-to-take and not-quite-well-behaved-enough-to-keep dogs would be killing a flock of birds with one stone and eating it, too."

• The joy of the web is that you can go as niche as you like. maps where you can buy Cadbury Twirls in central London. Web Monitor was taken aback by the sheer volume of newsagents included in this comprehensive catalogue of shops in James Ward's area, accompanied by a photo, details of storage of the chocolate bars and other notes:

"When I was in the shop, a bald headed man complained to his friend about how much they charge for a Curly Wurly. I considered suggesting to him that he could start a project mapping the prices across London but decided against it."

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Maisy (Letters, Friday), cats most certainly do break wind - very quietly! I have a small black cat named Shirley who makes the most vile smells - just when she has sat on my lap!!
Julie, Leek

I note from this week's 10 Things that bears do not in fact like honey. But has research been done into their liking for porridge? Or indeed pickernic baskets? May childhood beliefs are at stake here...
Charlotte, Crystal Palace, London

"Bears don't like honey" refers to black bears - this is what the TV programme was about. So why have you used a picture of a *brown* bear to illustrate the headline 10 Things - Bears don't like honey and nine other snippets"?
Paul Levy, Lancaster

Pre-promotion nominative determinism visible
Bas, London

I was going to write a witty comment about suggesting that we can still be considered a child at 25. I then realised I'd read it incorrectly, which was disappointing as I thought it meant I'd got a few more years left of taking my laundry home.
Amy-Jo, London

Re : Poppies are NOT sold. They are distributed and donations welcomed and accepted. I assume this is the case in UK as well as Canada.
Ernest Middleton, Dartmouth Nova Scotia Canada

Why have strawberry and rasberry prices risen by 250% in the past week?
Jan Maguire, High Easter, UK

So, which is which?
bx19, Warrington, Euroland

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

We all like a weather story now and again, and several of the papers are singing from the same hymn sheet today with their take on the everyday minor fluctuations of a barometer needle which, in normal times, is simply called the weather forecast.

The Scots certainly have good reason to be alarmed - heavy rain has brought havoc to areas of Scotland. But elsewhere in the UK, the story is largely that it's November and it's damp, windy and a bit chilly.

Hardly front page fodder, unless you are the Daily Express, which last Tuesday had splashed with the story that we were in for a spot of mild weather, sorry, make that a "70F Indian summer".

A point of order before we go further. Ever noticed how newspapers deploy two different scales to measure temperatures depending on whether it's hot or cold? Contrast last week's Express headline with the paper's headline from 5 January this year: "Sub-zero Britain - Temperatures plummet to -9 as longest freeze for a decade tightens its grip."

The Times also pitches into the "it's autumn and the weather is a bit wet" story on its front, with an image of two men in rain gear driving a veteran car on the annual London-Brighton car rally.

Delve inside the paper and you soon come across a picture of a boy wrestling with an inside out umbrella and another image which has been widely reproduced today, of a man surfing in Tyneside. Granted the waves look pretty fierce, but, IT'S NOVEMBER!

But Times weatherman Paul Simons, who deserves a medal for his command of weather stats, raises the stakes by noting this year has seen the driest September and October combined for 53 years.

Staying with the Times, a helping of kudos to the picture desk for forgoing the typical image that accompanies most stories on soft drugs. Its picture of two eyeballs - one heavily dilated from the effects of smoking dope - is hardly the most arresting of images, but at least it's not the same old crumpled cannabis joint that's in just about every other paper.

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For those who arrived here from Monday's Daily Mini-Quiz, here's the picture in full. (For those who didn't, tut-tut, go back to the Magazine index and play by the rules.)

Food artist Prudence Staite used 14 different varieties of the fruit to make six scenes from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

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"Everyone thinks models are stupid, but a lot of them are just really hungry" - Size 16 model Crystal Renn explains fashion's classic vacant look.

The uninitiated may have thought it was just the superwaifs trying to look cool, but it turns out the catwalk's standard glassy stare may just be a product of insufficient calorie intake.

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