ΒιΆΉΤΌΕΔ

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. King Henry VIII was a soppy romantic.

2. Toddlers from well-off families use more hand gestures.

3. The Neanderthals had the speech gene, FOXP2.

4. You can safely eat more than three eggs a week.

5. Nobody really knows when Titian was born.

6. Some of the smells that emanate from chip shops are comparable to butterscotch, onion and ironing boards.

7. Delhi's sewers are cleaned by workers wearing only shorts and rubber gloves.

8. Vladimir Putin prefers the Beatles to Abba.
More details

9. About 6,000 satellites have been put into orbit so far.

10. Paraskavedekatriaphobia is the fear of Friday the 13th.

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Sandra Parker for this photo of 10 galahs, native parrots, in her garden in the Northern Territory, Australia.

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Monitor note: A truncated bunch as the mailbag was swamped with stray caption comp entries.

Hmm. Sofa, books and music I have (Paper Monitor). But I'm supposed to be nice and soft to attract a partner, eh? Is there some form of 12 step plan I can consult?
Susannah, Northampton

Dear Paper Monitor
Papers are read,
Everyone's blue,
All our money has gone,
But at least we have you.
Happy Valentine's Day (for tomorrow).
Anon

It sounds like a great idea to have an , which automatically inflates when you come off the bike. But I'm sure if I had one I'd forget to switch it off at the end of the ride and it would inflate as I walked away from the bike.
Adam, London, UK

Louise (Thursday letters), I believe using "exaggerated" rather than "fabricated" allows the ΒιΆΉΤΌΕΔ to made a pithy allusion to Mark Twain. Well done ΒιΆΉΤΌΕΔ.
Zara, Leeds

Does the picture of all the send a chill down your spine? There, but for the grace of god...
Ian, Bristol

Look, I'll cut to the chase: I want lots of money, but no single person will give it to me.
So how about everyone who reads this letter sends me 1p (or national equivalent) in the post - what's 1p to you? Probably nothing. But if I get enough, I may just be able to afford the paper to send thank-you notes.
Ben Merritt
The Barn
27 Millhouses Lane
Sheffield S7 2HA

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Winning entries in the caption competition.

The competition is now closed.

This week, two tigers tussle with a snowman at Longleat Safari Park in Wiltshire. Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:

6. zapateados
"You just don't see kids playing out these days - I blame computer games."

5. imp1953
"Mmmm - baked Alaskan."

4. Magnum Carter
Whilst always cautious at close range, their keeper grossly underestimated their snowballing abilities.

3. supermatt6000
H.M. Government Public Service Films:
This is Mr Nesbitt, of Harlow, New Town.
He cannot be seen.
Now, I am going to ask him to stand up.
Mr Nesbitt, would you stand up please?
Mr Nesbitt has learnt the value of not being seen. However...

2. youngWillz
Head Teacher: "And so THIS is why we need to close the schools in a cold snap."

1. Vicky S
"No, honestly, you ARE too late, I heard it in the news yesterday - some bloke won it with a horse."

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A service celebrating the riches of the daily press.

Love is in the air. It might be Friday the 13th. We might be in the midst of a global depression recession. But there are reasons to be cheerful (and Paper Monitor is not referring to the welcome but mysterious absence in today's papers of anyone claiming to have devised a formula to prove that this is the most depressing Friday the 13th on record).

No, the reason for general springs in steps is leurve. What a treat to have a Valentine's Day on a Saturday. A long lie-in, perhaps? A special lunch? Perhaps a long walk in the countryside, arm-in-arm with one's loved one (on one side) and a weekend supplement of one's choice (on the other).

In fact the only downside of the day falling on a Saturday is that it denies us the chance to share our annual Snookums Challenge (see , 2007, and 2008) in which the unromantic among us have the chance to show just how little we care.

But that diversion aside, let's look to HM Press for reasons to get in the mood - that is if the between President Sarkozy and Carla Bruni aren't still fresh in the mind.

Best not start with the Sun, which has a who has become a father. Paper Monitor suspects that this alone does not justify its position on the front page, as it's probably more common than one might think. But it's the fact that the boy looks about five years younger than his actual years which gives the paper such impact.

And while we're not reading the Sun, make sure you don't turn to page 11 which has . It's quite some bump, so much so that it will clearly put any ideas of anything going on over the weekend firmly out of mind.

And don't go near "Romantic Lesley Heague" who spent Β£1,000 recreating the American Beauty rose petal pose that Mena Suvari made famous, all in the interests of pleasing her boyfriend, only to find out that he'd never actually seen the film. It was American Gangster he liked, not American Beauty. Good job it wasn't American Psycho.

Also on a banned list is any story which advertises just how cheaply one can buy red roses. The Daily Mail . But that information isn't going to help either party: the rose-giver will not want to look tight, the rose-receiver will be sure to read it as a slap in the face from a tightwad.

Go nowhere near the Times, either, . Good job Libby Purves is on hand to give us Darwin's take on marriage: "My God it is intolerable to think of spending one's whole life, like a neuter bee, working, working, & nothing after all. -- No, no, won't do. -- Imagine living all one's day solitarily in smoky dirty London House. -- Only picture to yourself a nice soft wife on a sofa with good fire & books and music perhaps...".

Add "weekend supplement" to that picture, and that's something Paper Monitor can do business with. Enjoy, everyone.

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See the Quote of the Day every morning on the .

"Everyone thinks that they're the first person to come up to me and say it..." - West Yorkshire school teacher Benjamin Button

Journalists at Metro have been combing the electorial register by the look of things, and found that six people in the UK share their name with the eponymous lead in the Hollywood movie The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. They're not exactly all chuffed with events.

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"?" - Nicolas Sarkozy. Does this herald more protests from French farmers?
Rob Falconer, Llandough, Wales

I hope Paper Monitor is a man, because I definitely fancy them and if this is not the case I am going to be forced to heavily review my sexual preferences.
Kahla, Leeds

Beccy, Wednesday's letters: I had a similar thing with the headline "Church announces baby" - although I wasn't imagining Charlotte and Gavin at all...
Dr Toes, Carharrack

Well, now you're just doing it on purpose to prove that better than anyone else.
Jo, London

On the subject of height of horses (Tuesday's and Wednesday's letters) I feel that I should point out the 1.5m would not give a Shetland pony. Horses are measured at the withers (shoulder) and 1.5m is only just less than 15 hands so would be a small horse. I hope this clears the matter up.
Mary, Melksham, Wiltshire

""?! How exactly do you "exaggerate" someone's death? Surely the word "fabricated" would be more appropriate?
Louise, Surrey

Re: How to pronounce Scolari. Just start singing the Dean Martin tune after a few drinks, you know the one...
Candace, New Jersey, US

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

How to interpret the portraits of Michelle Obama, which are reproduced in many of the papers?

These are shots taken by the glossy magazine - no relation - Vogue, which has photographed and interviewed every first lady bar one - Bess, wife of Harry Truman. But only two have graced its cover - Hillary Clinton and now Mrs Obama.

The woman the Times dubs the "Mom-in-Chief" is shown relaxing in the Washington DC hotel suite the family called home before their move to the big white place up the road.

For all the laidback mood of the shoot, you can be sure that absolutely nothing was left to chance, and that at least two - or possibly three or more - armies of underlings crouch out of shot, poised to adjust a lock of hair here, a tea cup there, or to sweep aside a fallen rose petal.

Yet for all this behind the scene kerfuffle, the First Lady "persuades us that her telephone conversation is real and her open laptop is no mere photographer's prop," says the Daily Telegraph.

But wait, there's an entire thesaurus of adjectives arrayed across page three: "... relaxed, stylish and business-like..." - pause for breath - "contemplative, serious, devastatingly self-possessed... " - and another - "... statuesque ease... a woman of power and influence... icon... reassuringly real... sinuous and toned... engaging sense of mischief... Who else could make tweed seem so sexy?"

Paper Monitor sure can't.

But then it's been a long time since anyone described Paper Monitor as contemplative, statuesque, toned and serious all in the space of a few paragraphs. Apart from that Valentine last February. Anonymous it was. Wonder who it was from?

...
...
...

Mum, I've told you not to write to me at work!

Anyway, the Guardian adds that the buzz surrounding this 40-something black lawyer "disproves the theory in the fashion world that black women don't make for commercial covers".

Meanwhile, the Daily Mail saves its excitement for the that is to be southern England's steed to the Angel of the North.

"You might expect ROY STRONG, the scourge of so much modern art, to detest the Stallion of the South..." begins its headline on Strong's opinion piece on Mark Wallenger's white horse.

No, wait don't tell me - he loves it? Yes indeed, and he predicts it will "knock the wings off" that rusting angel.

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An occasional guide to words and names in the news from Christine Haunz and Jo Kim of the ΒιΆΉΤΌΕΔ Pronunciation Unit

Football has featured prominently in the news recently as the transfer window closed last week and clubs and their managers parted company.

Monday saw the shock departure of Luiz Felipe Scolari from Chelsea FC. Today, it was confirmed that Guus Hiddink, who has close ties to Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich and is current manager of the Russian national team, has been appointed as interim manager until the end of the season.

The pronunciations of these names are as follows (stressed syllables are in upper case):

Luis Felipe Scolari: loo-EESS fell-EE-pi skol-AR-i (-ee as in meet, -i as y in happy, -ol as in olive, -ar as in car).

Guus Hiddink: KHUESS HIDD-ink (-kh as in Scottish 'loch', -ue as in French 'vu'). You can also hear this name pronounced GUUS (-uu as in book) in some English contexts.

Roman Arkadyevich Abramovich: ruh-MAAN ar-KAAD-yuh-vitch ab-ruh-MOH-vitch (-uh as a in ago, -tch as in church, -oh as in no).

Other footballers recently in the news include the Confederation of African Football's Player of the Year Emmanuel Adebayor, Arsenal's last minute transfer Andrey Arshavin and Brazilian midfielder KakΓ‘.

Emmanuel Adebayor: em-an-WELL add-eb-igh-YOR (-igh as in high)

Andrey Arshavin: an-DRAY ar-SHAA-vin (-ay as in say, -ar as in car, -aa as in father)

°­²Ή°μΓ‘: kack-AA (-aa as in father)

Finally, the pronunciations of some names in football which have inspired debate:

The established anglicisation of Dirk Kuyt's name is DURK KOWT (-ur as in fur, -ow as in now).

Xabi Alonso's own pronunciation of his name is SHABB-i al-ON-soh (-sh as in ship, -al as in pal, -oh as in no).

The name of Czech goalkeeper Petr Čech is pronounced PET-uhr CHEKH (-uh as a in ago, -ch as in church, -kh as in Scottish 'loch'), and the pronunciation for José Bosingwa's name is zhoo-ZAY bozz-EENG-gwuh (-zh as s in measure, -oo as in boot, -z as in zoo, -ay as in say, -ee as in meet, -ng-g as in finger).

To download the ΒιΆΉΤΌΕΔ Pronunciation Unit's guide to text spelling, click here.

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"How could you have stayed eight years with a man who has such ridiculous calves?" - Nicolas Sarkozy to Carla Bruni on the night they met, dissing her ex Mick Jagger.

This is but one of the theatrical lines with which the French president wooed the Italian model-turned-singer/songwriter, according to an eyewitness account by Jacques SΓ©guΓ©la, who invited the pair on a blind date at his home. One hopes the Rolling Stone, left in this picture, will not lose too much sleep over this insult.

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Who else saw and imagined Charlotte and Gavin deep in discussion?!
Beccy

and - is this ΒιΆΉΤΌΕΔ fantasy news?
Martin, Bristol

Stuart from Croydon (Tuesday's Letters), I thought the report said the horse was 33 times normal size, not height. Therefore you have to divide 50m by the cube root of 33 (volume scale factor to length scale factor), to get 15.6m. Hmmm. That still sounds wrong.
Ed, Clacton, UK

What a disturbing example of crunch creep in . Resorting to butchery rather than recruit whole graduates... whatever next?
Kat Murphy, Coventry

Has MM recently learned a new word "passim"? It has turned up rather regularly in the past few weeks!
Viv, TMR, Canada

I know it's childish, but made me think that the rat problem was sorting itself out quite spectacularly...
Richard, Newport

I've never seen the Metro in Nottingham (Tuesday's Letters). You're not thinking of the tram are you? Maybe I need to get out more, I'll get my coat...
Claire, Nottingham

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Let's kick things off with a sexually charged extract from one of today's papers.

"His hand passed over the curves of her body, firmly, without desire, but with soft, intimate knowledge. As she ran home in the twilight the world seemed a dream; the trees in the park seemed bulging and surging at anchor on a tide, and the heave of the slope to the house was alive."

Permit Paper Monitor to loosen the collar a little and mop its perspiring brow. No, this is not a leaked copy of Lembit Opik's Daily Sport column. It's from the Times. Admittedly not the main paper. Rather a supplement - in the form of a free copy of Lady Chatterley's Lover.

The abundance of fruity language makes it a slightly risquΓ© choice to give away. And Paper Monitor couldn't help but wonder how the Thunderer had received the controversial decision to publish DH Lawrence's classic work after it was cleared by jury in a 1960 obscenity trial.

Scrolling back 49 years, it seems this bedrock of the British establishment took a pretty enlightened view, welcoming the publication although cautioning it was a challenge to society to temper itself.. yadda, yadda...

But it's hard to resist raising a smile at the way such matters were discussed in those days.

"He depicts no perverted vice; his characters do not indulge in unnatural practices or abhorrent acts. There is no nastiness in his approach."

This, clearly, was not an audience ready for the literary outings of Timothy Mo and his ilk.

Paper Monitor also idly wonders whether the Times would have been receptive to the idea of a nominative determinism strand in its letters page, after the chairman of Penguin books defended the decision to publish LCL.

"It is difficult to compare the honesty of this novel with the tawdry perversions which now appear to escape official notice..."

Take a bow Mr Robert Lusty.

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"I got back at Christmas and I was like, 'What is this credit crunch?'" - Anna Friel confirms that actors do live in another world

The former Brookside actress really has gone all Hollywood if she's missed any talk of the financial crisis. She may want to refer to .

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I see has moved on a bit? How are they going to stop it from wondering off? I bet it would have made Tony McCoy's record a lot easier to reach as well...
Pip, Corby

It's the I feel sorry for.
Mike, Newcastle upon Tyne

50m divided by 33 equals 1.5m. So a giant then?
Stuart, Croydon

Re: "". According to the picture caption, 'Manufacturers say the problem is a "one-off"', which presumbly refers to the number of blades that fell off. If two had gone, one presumes they would have called it a "two-off"?
HS, Cornwall, England

What absolutely splendid from Tzipi Livni. Just imagine how much more exciting it would be watching the results of elections if everyone followed this advice and closed their eyes while voting.
Adam, London, UK

Re: Gordon Brown reading the letters page of the Metro. This is confirmation of what all of us that live outside London (hint: most of our population) have always suspected; that politicians ONLY care about the opinion of Londoners.
Ian Ferguson, Southampton, UK

Monitor: See letters passim for details of how the Metro is also distributed in Bath, Birmingham, Brighton, Bristol, Cardiff, Derby, Edinburgh, Glasgow, Leeds, Leicester, Liverpool, Manchester, Nottingham, Newcastle and Sheffield.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor has been gripped by one particular story in recent days - that of the necklace. For those readers who haven't been following the Daily Mail's "life-affirming" series, here's a very quick rundown. Thirteen women buy a Β£26,000 necklace that "changed their lives". Really? Changed their lives? Wow.

The ladies met, bought a necklace, made new friends, fell out with said new friends and then made up with them. It's Daily Mail gold - or diamond in this case - being about a group of middle-aged middle-class women, and reads like a slushy novel... which in fact it is. Well, a novel, at least. No wonder it's been strung out for three days.

Where does one purchase just such a life-changing necklace you may ask, but there's no need. The Mail is offering one lucky reader, and their friends of course, the chance to win one by writing 200 words about why they deserve this "life-enhancing piece of jewellery".

It certainly sounds intriguing, mostly in how it will work. If it doesn't change your life will you get a refund for the paper you bought and the postage you spent? And how do you measure what is or isn't life-changing?

Questions, questions... but before the mind begins to churn these imponderables, stop and appreciate how old style this competition is. There's no multiple choice with one blindingly obvious right answer and two moronic options; there's no premium rate phone number. Why, entries can't even be submitted by e-mail. It reminds Paper Monitor of a competition it once entered (and was runner-up in...) that was run by a comic that has long since expired from the newsstand. Complete this sentence in 13 words or fewer... that sort of set-up.

Of the rest of the day's press, front pages and back pages look one and the same. It's all about a certain Portuguese former football manager. Mr Scolari's not going to have to worry about any recession with his reported Β£7.5m pay-off. But in weighing up Big Phil's successors for this poison chalice of a job, why has no one invoked that great Elvis Costello song title? You know the one.

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"Mr Putin is more of a Beatles fan than an Abba one" - Dmitry Peskov, spokesman to the Russian prime minister, in a letter to the Times

Another valuable insight into Vladimir Putin, the ex-KGB agent and former Russian president after his revealing holiday snaps of 2007. In this letter, his spokesman is denying a story that Mr Putin had danced the night away to Abba tribute band, Bjorn Again. Is this perhaps a subtle suggestion that it was in fact the Bootleg Beatles?

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Anne, London, (Friday letters) who commented about water not being blue obviously doesn't watch QI, or have access to a search engine... A quick Google reveals many (credible) sources that explain that pure water is, in fact, blue.
Ross, Essex, UK

Monitor: Thanks to the numerous other readers who made this point.

"": What do you get if you cross a dog with a bacterium? A border coli. I'll get my lab coat.
CS, Manchester, England

Why no camouflage trousers in the shops? They're there - you just can't see them.
Bryan, Reading

I am *so* fed up of people apologising. The next person that apologises is going to be sorry...
Chris Clarke, Grenoble, France

of nominative determinism?
Malcolm Langley, United Kingdom

I think is one of the best nominative determinism cases I've seen. You've been Rumbled.
Jack, Manchester

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Where do you get your copy of Metro? Does the local bus driver have a stack on the dash? Or do you join the scrum around the boxes at the station (get there too late, and the only copies left are the strays left on the train, dog-eared and possibly in need of de-worming)?

But if you are Gordon Brown - morning, prime minister - there is no unseemly elbowing necessary. Not because he doesn't read Metro, but because he's signed up for doorstep deliveries.

In an entirely natural quote, which carries not one whiff of having been crafted in the Number 10 press office, Mr Brown tells paperboy/reporter John Higginson - pictured* making an express delivery to Downing St - that he is an avid reader of the letters page in particular.

"It is important that the voice of those Metro readers is heard," the paper quotes the PM as saying, "which is why ministers in our government read Metro every day."

The article adds that cabinet office minister Liam Byrne is trying to find a way to distribute Metro across Whitehall so "everyone at the heart of government gets the same chance" to read it.

Paper Monitor has a suggestion. Use public transport. This offers an unrivalled opportunity to grab your own Metro, and also experience first-hand what letter-writers often have a beef with.

So here's what troubles Metro's letter-writers and text-your-brainers today. Why do some men sit on trains with their legs so far apart? Why no camouflage trousers in the shops? Grrr, bonuses for "fat cat" bankers. Are you listening, Mr Brown?

Meanwhile, the Guardian's man on the Bafta red carpet plays the oldest journalistic card in the book. Penned in to avoid too much interaction with the stars, he instead writes about the other reporters sharing the enclosure known as "Print Cluster 1", and the conditions under which they must operate. "[A] transparent marquee is held aloft by mirrored pillars, one of which neatly bisects [our] view... the first few stars shoot by in a blur, while the Guardian is helping a colleague with his bow tie..."

But he crafts a nice observation as the rain intensifies - watching the red carpet arrivals is "like watching a series of shiny, expensive automobiles process through a car wash".

And finally, on your behalf, Paper Monitor dutifully bought the Daily Mail on Saturday and watched its free DVD of the Dam Busters, all with the aim of journalistic investigation as to whether it would censor the name of Guy Gibson's dog. But no, the name was there in all its uncomfortable glory. (When ITV showed the film in 2001 it got into trouble for excising the name, as .)

How will Peter Jackson handle this issue in the remake which is reportedly in production (with a screenplay by Stephen Fry, IMDB tells us)? Now the only remaining issue is how to get rid of the Dam Busters' March earworm.

* UPDATE 1502 GMT: For some time Paper Monitor has been meaning to launch a "strange names in the news" strand. What better excuse to kick things off than the photographer's byline accompanying said picture in the Metro: Gretel Insignia.

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"It's not fashionable but I like to spit out of the window of a moving train" - Writer Paul Theroux on how he passes the time on his travels

Now we know what the professional traveller does when crossing continents without someone to play 'I spy' with.

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