Paper Monitor
12:20 UK time, Thursday, 12 June 2008
A (resumed) service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Miss me?
Fresh off the red-eye from the Big Apple, Paper Monitor races to its post to bring you, dear reader, the recommended daily allowance of newsy nuggets.
Well, I say "races". It takes time, people, to locate one's travelcard when the past few days have been spent hopping in and out of big yellow taxis. And to source a coffee when one's eyes are propped open with matchsticks. Not to mention actually find one's way out of the airport complex.
But there's a job to do, and so to it. Sir Alan finally chose his apprentice last night, but since Paper Monitor has yet to catch up with that crucial episode of its favourite and its best telly show, a veil shall be drawn over the matter.
Which does pose a bit of a problem at the newsstand. With eyes averted, Paper Monitor attempts to chose a newspaper "sans Apprentice" by feel alone...
Oops, that's the Daily Telegraph, best steer clear as a paper that's the choice of captains of industry will surely cover the business sitcom...
The Guardian, Sun, Dailies Star, Mirror and Mail, the Times and Metro all give off a strong whiff of men's cologne, so those in search of an Apprentice-free zone should steer clear.
And that leaves just two choices. The Daily Express, aerated about fuel prices, and the Independent, which gives pause with its front page headline "WINNER... OR LOSER?" but it's a false alarm, despite all its blahing about backroom deals and last-ditch efforts - it's Gordon Brown.
But disaster! Having finally chosen the Indie as a sure bet for an Apprentice-free zone, Paper Monitor is confronted by the grinning mugs of Sir Alan and aiwfroaidsfgvbnsdpfubgeq0tv.
(Monitor note: We apologise for the interruption to this service due to Paper Monitor's sleeping head hitting the keyboard. Normal service will resume tomorrow.)
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