Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ

A bumper crop. You know why...

If only I knew how to pronounce "Fleadh" I'd have a right good stab at the Caption Competition.
Neil Franklin, Chandlers Ford, UK

I guess some idiot will have ignored your plea not to submit captions and sent something along the lines of: "The advertised Pole Dancers failed to live up to expectation".
Mike, Newcastle upon Tyne

If you HAD wanted us to send our captions for the non-competition I'd have sent: Sweepstakes were being fiddled at the MM.
Sarah, Trieste, Italy

Is that a picture of the stars of the new musical Fiddler on The Hoof, playing "If I Were a Witch, Man"?
John, Sevenoaks

If only the Caption Competition had returned, then I would suggest "Not blinkin' Riverdance AGAIN!"
Basil Long, Leicester

Heather Mills tries to entice another musician but this time with her Jake the Peg routine.
Lee, Cardiff

If there WERE a caption competition (and just let's all be pleased that the Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ won't have truck with THAT sort of nonsense) I'd have suggested something like: "New London Mayor insists on the merger of Parks and Arts funding to cut budgets."
Mark, Reading

I take it her appeal for him to turn it down was Flatley denied?
Candace, New Jersey, US

If only Not Cap Comp 8 was a Cap Comp, I'd send in "Urban Curling forfeits were getting out of hand."
Phil, Cardiff

Thank you for introducing me to the delight that is Brush Dancing. I have just spent a bewildering half hour on a well known video sharing website. As a consequence, the only caption I can possible think of would be: "What the..."
Stig, London, UK

Perhaps there should be a into why there's no competition on the Monitor.
Simon Rooke

Given that Random Stat appeared on average 0.72 times per day for the first six weeks of the year and has not been seen since a post-Valentine fling on 15 Feb, can we assume that it has been reclassified as a competition?
Alan Crombie, Dingwall, Scotland

As a Brit who has been living in the US for the past few months, I can't thank you enough for explaining what means. I never worked up the courage to ask, in case it wasn't a suitable subject for polite conversation.
Nicolas, Warrenville, US

First we lose our letters on a Thursday, and now no Paper Monitor on a Friday? I accept that Paper Monitor is probably being employed by its superiors to make cups of tea for all those other website writers furiously updating the election results, but I don't feel adequately compensated for the lack of Monitorness. Sniff. We love you, Monitor. Stay away from politics, come back to us!
Susannah, Northampton
Monitor note: Apologies. Paper Monitor did file in a timely manner, only for Technical Gremlins to work their evil magic. And with Paper Monitor then otherwise engaged on tea duties, the gremlins had a freer reign than usual.

YES!!! 0/7 on the . Finally an accomplishment on a Friday.
Ian, Redditch

Re "I am talking Swiss Family Robinson," he says, referring to the famous 1812 novel about a Swiss family that survives after being shipwrecked in the East Indies. "You should have food, water, medicine, clothes. And possibly AK47s to fire over the heads of any guys, depending on how bad things become." I don't remember them having AK47s?
Dan, London

In there's the line: "Perhaps you think of a gun-toting loner in Mid-West America, who lives in a shack surrounded by tinned food and emergency water supplies".
Considering the events of this week, I think we may think of another not entirely suitable person. RisquΓ© publication I say...
Tom, Doncaster

Re the Slashdot Effect (Wednesday letters), when I worked at a "popular ISP" a few years back, we would frequently, albeit accidentally, bring down smaller sites by pointing to their content from the homepage. I always wondered if we could have been a force for good by pointing at some of the nastier sites out there, using the hyperlink "Win Β£10,000!"
Aine, London

Alex Knibb (Wednesday letters), I thought I suffered alone in the spending hours compiling a "hilarious" letter only to re-read it and hit the clear button instead of send. Perhaps there could be a new word invented to describe this? Although I'm in two minds about sending this now.
MCK, Coventry

Apart from the fact that it involves spiders, can someone at the Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ assure me that the video clip in is actually related to the article, and not just some amateur spider porn that someone in the office shot on a potted plant on their desk, with a mobile phone? I think you can even hear badly dubbed moaning from the lady spider in the last few seconds.
Robert, Glasgow

The - is this part of the ?
Dustin Thyme, Aylesbury, UK

Do we have a "Ten Things We Already Knew" category yet? The cannot accurately be called news because it isn't new information. Richard Hammond found his office keyboard had more bacteria on it than a toilet seat at the Glastonbury festival on his "Should I Worry About" series, which was screened on the Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ at least three years ago. I don't think anybody was all that surprised by this discovery then, either.
Liz Woods, Ipswich

The Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ is just sex mad at the minute. As well as the various stories pointed out in Wednesday's letters, today we have been presented with the Japanese worker with an , and a . Well, you know what they say about those who talk too much about it...
Basil Long, Leicester

Oh yes, and I nearly forgot .
Basil Long, Leicester

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