Paper Monitor
10:42 UK time, Monday, 13 August 2007
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
With the world's financial markets teetering on the verge of meltdown, Paper Monitor turns to its most trusted steed for such situations: the Financial Times. So, great Pink 'Un, how bad is it? What are we really up against here? Is it time to sell Paper Monitor Towers for a princely cash sum and stuff it all under the mattress?
"Central banks seek to unblock markets"... "Speculation rises over ECB and Fed move"... "Fears over US appetite to lend in Europe". It doesn't exactly answer the buy or sell conundrum.
But inside there's one of those time-honoured pictures of men in front of computer screens, one with his head in his hands. So, surely that means sell. Hold on, what's this: "Big rise in Vix as fears beset markets". Aha, at last common sense appears to be prevailing - this must be the plan to relieve the said blockage by applying liberal amounts of eucalyptus decongestant. Note to FT subs - it's not Vix, but Vicks.
Still, it's not all doom and gloom in the FT's offices - an observation borne out by the paper's effort on Saturday to hitch up to the Silly Season bandwagon, with the editorial "We've found Elvis". So what passes for a spot of summer fun in FT Land exactly? "A private equity consortium is understood to be confident of securing finance for a $500bn bid for General Electric."
Cue the tumbleweed and distant chimes from far-off clocktower.
Besides, Elvis really is alive 30 years after his supposed death. There's an interview with him in the Sun, which has tracked him down to a chippie in Bradford. And it's a corker of an interview. Try this for size:
The Sun: "And what about Pete Doherty and Kate Moss splitting up?"
The King: "He ain't nothin' but a hound dog.
Smoking crack all the time.
Well I'd love to bed his ex-girlfriend,
But he ain't no friend of mine."
Something of a non sequitur, but at 72 years of age, Paper Monitor is willing to excuse His Royal Highness.
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