Demi Lovato - 'La La Land'
Newsflash: Hollywood is a weird place. A lot of the people who hang out there act weirdly. You probably don't really need me, or indeed Demi Lovato, to tell you that, but just in case you were in need of some convincing, she's written a song about it, with a bit of help from the Jonas Brothers.
As a rule, songs about being famous can be a bit cringeworthy, especially if the whole point of them is to prove that you're not like the rest of those Hollyweirdos. Jennifer Lopez was kind of obsessed with doing this - she just about got away with 'I'm Real', but then completely went overboard with 'Jenny From The Block' (sample lyric: "Love my life and my public/Put God first and can't forget to stay real/To me it's like breathing"), the end result being that most people suspected if you really had to make that much of a point of how your feet are totally on the ground, then they probably aren't.
Hahaha! Oh my good Lord! Have you seen the new Kasabian video? The one which is like a mini-spaghetti western crossed with Reservoir Dogs? It's amazing...just the funniest thing, like, EVER. I think someone in the band or their management is worried about depicting tense, violent exchanges between renegade outlaws - guess who the outlaws are? Damn right - and the police, especially when film tradition dictates that some of these people must get shot and die. 
Everyone knows the difference between a four star and a five star song. Five star songs are songs you're so excited about that you cannot wait to hear it again, even while you are still listening to it. Five star songs are songs you wish you could give six stars to. Or nine. Or twenty. It doesn't matter if you're just caught up in an exciteable moment or you're genuinely hearing something which will take an active role in your life for the rest of your days, so long as you keep adding those imaginary stars, it's worth the full five.
When I was 13 or 14, I used to really like making what would should probably be called sound collages on a cassette tape. At the time I had no name for what it was I was doing, and the term 'sound collage' would've seemed ridiculously pompous, arty and grown-up, especially for someone who couldn't draw. 
Sorry guys, you no longer have a chance with Kelly Clarkson. She's gone all Jo Bro on us, by declaring that she no longer 'hooks up' with anyone. She's slipped on the promise ring and is soon to duet with Demi Lovato on the Mickey Mouse Club (this is a lie). 
Here's how it all starts. A watery ripple of sound, a fairy lady lets loose a spiralling moan, the drums and bass kick into what can only be described as a 'hot groove', and twittery guitars do that chunterfunk thing you don't hear so much of these days. Then Benjamin Grubin steps up to the mic, and we hear this:
Almost 15 years into a sleaze-rock career, and no sign of an early night, Placebo survey the current state of popular music from a very strange place. Critically whipped at home, and yet adored worldwide - including France. Rather than bend with the changing whims of musical fashion, they decide to keep doing what they've always done, which is write pounding European piledriver rock anthems in which a lizardy voice purrs over some ticky noises (verses) and then suddenly, with a boom, every sound becomes louder than every other sound, crushing all life in its path (chorus).
NOT, sadly, a hip hop retooling of Status Quo's ode to shopping in Argos (at least, that's what I think it's about). That kind of thing might be OK for the Flo Ridas of this world, but TI has a little more class. 
Ooh, shame! Had this song been released a few months ago, when there were less properly AMAZING songs around, it would probably stand out a bit more. As it is, it's tough to make it all the way through without wondering if there would any side effects on the human brain after prolongued exposure to 'Bonkers'. Like, would it literally drive you bonkers?
Yes, yes, a very nice song. It's a little bit 'Take Me Out' by Franz Ferdinand and it's a little bit 'The World Should Revolve Around Me' by Little Jackie, only refracted through Booty's bassquake synthpop prism and suitably kaleidoscopic as a result. A slow, loping groove over which she softly tells a tale of an innocent arriving in a new place and becoming a target for con artists, looking to exploit her lack of local knowledge for a fast buck and a free sandwich. 
Y'know that fine line between clever and stupid that Spinal Tap talked about? Turns out not to be there after all, and here's the proof. There is literally nothing bad you can say about a song which starts with a verse full of onomatopoeia and gibberish - "I go 'ooh ooh', you go 'ah ah', alalala alalala" - then takes a detour through some musical stammering, not unlike the musical stammering in 'Womanizer', but more relentless and challenging to keep up with, and then finishes with "right now you're the only thing that's making sense to me".
If this turns out to be a big hit - and the signs are that it might - I'm going to be a little disappointed, and here's why. When 'Soulja Boy' the song shot up the charts 18 months ago, partly off the back of jaw-dropping remix by Travis Barker (let's have another look at him for that, shall we? Yes.), you could have put money on Soulja being just another hip hop one hit wonder. He had a silly dance routine that went viral on the web - very hard to replicate - he didn't so much rap about things as say his own name over and over again with the occasional "OH!" for rhythmic variation, and...well that's it really. 
OMG you will not believe this, right, but according to a TV show I watched over the weekend, 'Fairytale' is officially the best song in the whole of Europe. I know this will come as a shock to some of you, especially if you were hoping for a late surge from the Dizzee Rascal camp. It seems there's been some kind of competition, and lots of songs were considered - although not that many of our recent chart hits, I couldn't help but notice - and this one is the best. It may sound crazy, but you can't argue with democracy.
At last! A hip hop comeback we can really get behind! Eminem might not be wowing people with his frayed new material, but at least we can all count on the Black Eyed Peas to keep the flag flying for quality beats, deft lyrical excellence, and all the other services to the art of hilarious bragging in rhythm. 
Hand on heart, I never got the Paolo Nutini thing. There were just too many record companies signing too many easy-on-the-eye singer-songwriters at the time, and after being forced to listen to Jack Johnson, Newton Faulkner and James Morrison in every cafe and surf shop in town, I developed an irrational dislike of any hot, stubbly troubadour with a tatty Takamine guitar and a notepad full of half-whispered musical diary entries. Plus they all seemed to sing in a really odd accent, somewhere between American and Australian, lots of rounded vowels, made strange by attempting to sing the blues quietly round a campfire, I would imagine.
For someone who has now appeared on three chart hits, Daniel Merriweather is a curiously low-profile singing sensation, judged more by the company he keeps - Ronson, Wiley - than for his winning way with a tune. Which is strange because he's a good looking fella with a more-than-decent set of pipes, by rights we should already be sick of the sight of him, the paps should be all over him like skin on a chicken, and he should be swaggering about like Robbie Williams in a hall of mirrors.
In the extensive research I've done for this amazing example of critical thought in action, I have discovered that the band are releasing different songs from 'Day & Age' as their third single, depending on which territory goes nutsiest over which song from the album.
Ahhh, Eurovision. For about 364 days of the year, it's a ridiculous, outdated embarrassment, and then for one day in May it's VERY VERY IMPORTANT and invariably when we don't win everyone huffs about how the whole thing is rigged. I don't know about the rest of you, but I wouldn't change it for the world.
Don't be fooled by the title. By rights this should be called 'You Set Me On Fire', as this is the hook upon which the entire song rests. It's not clear whether this has been changed for reasons of generating an air of enigma around Ms Hawke - y'know, the uncompromising artist who won't give in to audience demands that her songs are easy to find on the internet - or because she's worried about health and safety officers shutting her down before she's even had a chance to get her feet under the table. 
Have you ever had the experience where, at the moment you first find out about a song which is yet to be released, you KNOW you are going to love it, just from the title? And in fact, rather than rushing to hear it at the first opportunity, you're happy to wait, because it's alway nice to have something to look forward to. That's what happened to me with this very song. 
As tempting as it sometimes is to dismiss trancey dance-type music as a shortcut to mindless euphoria, a state of dancefloor-only total excitement, which is scientifically designed to be reached via the simplest of possible means - hi Basshunter! - there's a growing body of musical evidence which proves that other emotions can be found within its glassy crevices. 
Never underestimate the value of charisma. It's the single biggest factor in determining whether someone is going to be famous, infamous, or not famous at all. It doesn't matter if you're likeable, or enigmatic, or funny or clever or wacky or sexy or...anything at all. If you've got the charisma to back it up, people will want to watch you do what you do, and then talk about it afterwards. 
Rule number one in the music game is this: Know Your Market. For example, if you're going to produce a song and you definitely want it to be bought by a lot of women over 25, it'll need to be either very sensitive and mournful, easy on the ear and sung by a hottie with bright eyes, or a barnstorming disco classic which demands that all the girls get together and celebrate collective womanhood. The pretty things will be putty in your hands, muah-hahahHAHAHA!*
If nothing else, you've got to admire Annie's persistence. Aside from a Top 30 hit back in 2004 with the catchy playground chant 'Chewing Gum', she has yet to reach the massive pop audience her music so clearly deserves. Oh sure, pop bloggers love her, but in the real world her immaculate confections struggle to make headway in the charts. Originally this was attributed to her being signed to a relatively minor label, but her deal with Island didn't work out much better - last year's brilliant 'I Know Ur Girlfriend Hates Me' only limped in at No.54, leading to Annie's departure from the label and joining the relatively lo-fi surroundings of Richard X's Pleasure Master label.
Today, gentle ChartBloggerers, you find me resting twitchily on the horns of a dilemma (which I believe is some kind of moose). I have wedged into my brainspace a piece of music by the Prodigy, and it's fiery, upbeat and wild. These are always good things to have in a tune, and therefore I am happy. However, it is also made up of bits of other songs, in a kind of sound mosaic, and some of the songs it is made from are songs which have already been released by the Prodigy, and that's not as good. The familiar bits tug at my memory, distracting me from getting my party on, and this is making me sad. 
Ah, the joys of simple, well-made pop music. Never too clever, never too stupid. Never self-pitying, over-sensitive or weedy, never worried about longevity or the future. And the best songs are rooted in the one glorious second where the world finally, after years of heartache and painful rubbish nonsense, makes total sense, for the first time ever. 
I really like Maximo Park. 'Apply Some Pressure' suited my frazzled state at the time of its release and 'Books From Boxes' probably makes my top ten songs ever, just for the line "night falls and towns become circuit boards." I was quite excited about them making a new album, in the way you tend to be when a band you really like releases a new album.